Maternal Bond

I get so disgusted when I read posts and/or comments from AP's talking about adoptee's needing to "get over it" or "quit being so angry". While I do try to stay as positive as I possibly can...it's the only way I know how to cope...everyone reacts to situations in different ways. Whether I agree or not, I would NEVER, EVER tell someone that is grieving to get over it.

Grieving is exactly what you have to go through when you are taken from your mother. I don't care if you're 1 day or 50 years old, besides losing your own child, losing your mother is the hardest loss to grieve.

It goes back to maternal bond. Mothers begin bonding with their babies while they are merely weeks into their pregnancy. A fetus hears its mother's voice, responds to her touch, and even knows her smell. For 38+ weeks, those sounds, touches, and smells are all a baby knows. How scary to come into a cold, bright world full of unfamiliar sounds, smells and touches. Wouldn't you be a bit upset? Just because a "new mother" walks into the picture with the intent to provide you with gentle touches and a soothing voice, that does not replace what was taken away. A baby cries for what was warm, comfortable, and loving. I don't think that's easy to "get over".

I do not think that every AP in the world is out to hurt the child that they adopt. Some of them have the very best intentions. Some of them really want to "provide a life for a less fortunate child". The problem? A baby wants his/her mom. Plain and simple. They don't care how educated you are, how much money you make, what kind of car you drive or what kind of house you live in. They just want to be loved by their mother.

I honestly believe that the connections that are made in the uterus are with you forever. Every child has 'issues'...adopted or not. However, I do not feel like an AP can possibly love a child just like they are their own. Not that they don't want to or don't try, but I think naturally you don't have the same bond with another person's baby then you would your own.

Since my natural mom had no plans to place me for adoption throughout most of her pregnancy, she still loved me, sang to me, talked to me, spent everyday loving me. On the other hand, my adoptive mom found out she was getting me just hours before it actually happened. She was actually on vacation with my dad and was contacted by his parents that "they had a baby for them!". My amom's preparation for me consisted of gathering a bunch of people together to go run to Sears and buy every baby item in the store then meet their case worker at the office and take me home with them. Do you see my point?

It's not that my AP's didn't love me, but I truly believe with all of my heart it is a completely different kind of love. The maternal bond is strong. When it is taken away, no matter how old you are, a piece of you is taken with it.

Ignorance and OBC's

Ignorance is not always bliss..or so I have decided. Since I was adopted as an infant (I was three weeks old), I thought that the only birth certificate I ever had was the one I have carried around with me my whole life. The one with my ap's as my parents, my city of birth was where they resided at the time, the doctor was a friend of my amom's, the hospital was the one my amom worked at, and my name, of course, is what my ap's chose for me.

Until I came across Christina's blog and started talking to her, I was pretty clueless about anything and everything surrounding adoption and my rights as an adoptee. How sad is it that at 33years old, it finally comes to my attention that I have a real, original birth certificate locked away in a undisclosed place downtown?! Anyway, like I said...ignorance is not always bliss.

As a child, I do remember thinking that it was strange that everything on my birth certificate was a lie. My ap's were always very open about the fact that I was adopted...you know, all the basic stuff. I knew where I was born. I knew the situation that led to me being placed for adoption. I knew the name that my nmom had chose for me. I knew quite a bit (or so I thought). But ANYTHING that had ANYTHING to do with me finding my mom or relatives was always vague. I remember my amom telling me that I should never try to find my nmom because she has moved on and has a life of her own. She said if I tried to find her I could cause a lot of problems for her and her family. All I knew was that my adoption was CLOSED...that was it. I didn't know any better.

Now, all that has changed. Thanks to my amom's unintentional intervention, I now know who my natural mother is. I now know that a lot of things I was told growing up were not completely true. I now know that there is a document out there detailing my arrival into this crazy world and I want it.

The ugly truth

First of all, thank you so much for the e-mails. I have received several wondering if I had fell off the face of the earth! I guess, in a way, I kinda have. So, to catch you up...

Basically, I have been in a blogging slump. I have tried to read other blogs and keep up with my adoptee friends, but I just have not felt like writing about my life at all. I have thoughts, who doesn't, but I haven't been up to writing about them. Honestly, I have gone back into my own delusional world and haven't felt like coming back into reality. May sound sad, but we deal with life the best we can. In my case, I tend to avoid conflict and/or reality. Sad, but like I said, we deal the best we can.

For the majority of my life I have lived in my own world. A happy world. That is how I taught myself to cope with reality. Reality was hard. Reality made me angry. Reality was not a place I ever wanted to be. Reality sucked. So I did the only thing I knew to do...I avoided it.

I have never been one to speak up for myself. If I felt like others were being mistreated, I would have their back in a heartbeat. But growing up, no one had mine. When I was abused as a child, I chose to ignore it. I pushed the memories back in my mind as far as I could push them. I even convinced myself through most of my childhood and early adulthood that the abuse never even existed. For the absolute longest time, too long probably, I could think back on my childhood and believe that it was all wine and roses. I had that happily ever after. I really did believe it. I had convinced myself that I lived a fairytale life. Sure, I had a few trials, but life "could have been so different for me had my aparents not 'chose' to adopt me". I mean, seriously, if you're told something enough it tends to become your truth. My life was no different. I really and truly believed it. My delusional world reigned over my every thought. Things were good. Life was good. I was happy. Then, my mother waltzed back into my life.

Over the course of our relationship, reality slowly started setting in. And when I say slowly, I mean slooooooowly. It took years for me to process what I was actually feeling. Day by day and story by story, every little piece of me that had been covered in a blanket of denial was being exposed...and it hurt.

The more I got to know my mother, the more I hated everything about my past. I hated her mother for making her do it. I hated my aparents for not giving me a life like my siblings, their biological children, had. I hated myself for not trying to find her sooner. I hated life just because I existed. Then...she waltzed out of my life just as quickly as she came into it. More feelings of anger and hatred emerged. I hated her for abandoning me again. I hated her just because she didn't fight harder in the beginning. I hated myself for hating my aparents...they maybe didn't always protect me, but they didn't pop in and out of my life when convenient...their lack of interest in my life was always consistent -- I knew that I could never really count on them. I was overcome with anger that I never knew even existed inside me. It was ugly, and I did not like it at all.

After many hours of therapy, I was once again sloooooooowly learning to deal with life. Then, my mother comes back into my life once again with a whole new perspective on our relationship and life in general. It's been nice. She's been consistent. I feel happy. So...that's where I've been and where I am today. I am upbeat because I have immersed myself back into the sea of happiness. I have forgiven her of the past four years of rejection. I want to believe that she means it this time and she is going to be there for me to the end. But, the only way that I can believe that is to push the past back in my mind as far as I can. I can't change the past, but I can change the way I look at the future.

My life has been such a contradiction. That is why I have not felt like blogging. I know how a lot of you feel about adoption...whether you are an adoptee, first mom/natural mom/birthmom, or AP...there is so much hurt and heartache involved in the triangle. I don't want to get on here and talk about how great my reunion is and how perfect my relationship is with my mother, because it would not be entirely true. However, if I get on here and talk about how angry I am and how hard it is for me to trust anybody, it will be really hard for me to move forward.

Who knows where I will be a week, month, year from now. I may look back at this post and laugh at my stupidity. I guess I'll have to be ok with that. All I know is that I don't want to let my past dictate my future. Putting myself out there is not easy, but I can no longer beat myself up about every decision I make regarding my adoption. It is what it is, and I'm trying my best to deal with it.

So, I'm taking time to work on my attitude. I'm working on focusing on the positives in my life instead of dwelling on the negatives. I want to be a better wife, mother, and friend. I want to be there for those who are there for me and I can't do that when I am wallowing in my own self-pity. It's time to make some changes in my life. So, for the past month, that is what I have been working on.

So, that's my ugly truth. That's what I have been up to and why I have not been blogging. I thought about deleting my blog for a while, but I don't want to do that. I think we all have a story to share and in sharing it, we are able to make an impact on others going through a similar situation. This journey is truly a rollercoaster. I can click the "publish post" button, talk to my amother and then suddenly be overcome with a completely different point of view. However, I hope I am able to focus more on what I have now and not on what I have lost. We all need some healing, in one way or another, and I am hoping that this is mine.

Revelation

When I arrived at my parents house my mom was not there. Immediately, I felt somewhat relieved because my dad was easier to talk to about BIG, SHOCKING news then my mom. I knew he would take whatever I said and mull over it before he reacted. My mom, on the other hand, wore her feelings on her sleeve. She could not hide what she was thinking or feeling. So, like I said, I was relieved that I could talk to my dad first.

I am not a very blunt person. I take FOREVER to tell a story because I am very detailed oriented (hence this blog taking 500 posts to tell my story....) and hate to leave something out! Well, on this particular day, I was totally out of sorts. I walked in my parents' house and my dad was sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch. I didn't even ask where my mom was. I just blurted out, "My birth mom is wanting to have contact with me." My dad looked at me with a genuinely surprised expression, and said "Really?! That's great." I immediately relaxed. Maybe this will not be so bad after all, I thought. We talked for a little bit and I told him how I knew and the social worker that had called me, etc. After that, we started talking about my mom. He wanted to make sure that I understood that she probably would not take this news very well. He told me that he felt she would probably feel threatened that she was going to be replaced by a new mom. Of course, I felt guilty and reassured him that I would never do that. After about 30minutes or so of talking my mom came home.

Initially, she was concerned because it was noon and I was at their house and not at work. I told her everything was fine. Then my dad cut in and told my mom I had some big news. I could tell by my mom's face that she thought I was going to share that she was going to be a grandma again or some exciting piece of news of that sort. Again, I just blurted it out. There was no sugar coating it. I will never forget the look of horror on her face. It was as if I told her I had a terminal illness or something catastrophic had happened. She started shaking her head no and telling me that I couldn't talk to her. She said so many terrible things about my birth mom...how she didn't love me, she probably wanted something from me....I mean so many awful things that I can't even bring myself to type. I just sat on the couch and cried. I was so confused. I hated that this was happening. I hated that I was even born. I hated this situation. I hated adoption. I hated that I was feeling worse and worse by the second as I was listening to my mom rant.

After about 20 minutes or so, she calmed down. She wanted to know details about how I knew she was trying to contact me. She was really mad at the state because she felt they should have been contacted first. Even though I was well over the legal age of adulthood, my mom was angry that they were not contacted. She and my dad said, "What if we hadn't told you you were adopted and this was how you found out?" They immediately hired an attorney with the mindset that they were going to work to have laws changed to protect families of adopted children.

At this point, over the next few days, I started to really think about my life. I thought about my childhood and growing up. I thought of my siblings. I thought about my husband and my 9 month old baby. I slowly started to realize that life as I knew it, was changed forever. That in itself made me very angry. The blissful memories of childhood that I had clung to, were now overshadowed by the reality of this situation. Was I ever as happy as I thought I was? I always remeber feeling like I owed my parents my life. I could have ended up anywhere, but they took me in, fed me, clothed me, took me to church..all the things parents are supposed to do. I felt like I owed them the world and I spent a large part of my life 'paying them back'. Oh, the thoughts. They wouldn't go away.

I was raised thinking that my birth mom really loved me. My mom had always told me that she had to love me because she carried me to term instead of having an abortion. My mom would always tell me how brave my birth mom was. How difficult it had to be to know you had a child out there somewhere. How sad she must have felt at every birthday realizing that another year had passed without knowing who I was and if I was OK. The person who was now cursing the moment my birth mom was born, had told me all those things my entire life. I then became angry at my mom. I felt like she believed all those things as long as my birth mom was not in the picture. All I remember about those first couple of weeks was crying a lot. I would go from angry to incredibly sad, to excited, to scared, to sad, to angry, to sad...do you see the roller coaster here?

Over the next couple of weeks, every time I talked to my parents they were talking about the lawyer, the state, laws, etc. They never once asked how I was holding up, if I had decided to call her, etc. I knew that they were trying to deal with the news the best they could, but once again, I felt forgotten. I wondered if anyone cared about me. Does anyone understand or care to understand how I'm feeling?

My mom did tell me a couple days later that she was wrong for saying bad things about my birth mom. She admitted being upset and overreacting. However, as guilt ridden as I was, I knew my mom would feel betrayed if I ever did talk to my birth mom. Oh, how I wished I could get off the guilt train!! It literally was killing me!

We got to the point where we really didn't talk much about the subject at all. They were ready to move on, and to an extent, I was as well. However, the wedge between us was being driven a little further, pushing us farther apart. I would still be the same loving daughter. I would still be there to help with the family business. I would still be the glue that held my siblings together and keep the family as close as possible. I would still be who what they wanted me to be, but I had no idea who I wanted to be.

I carried my birth mom's name and phone number around in my wallet for several weeks. Based on my mom's reaction, I didn't know if I wanted to talk to my birth mom. I didn't know what she wanted and I was scared to continue putting myself and my family through all of the emotions if she wasn't in it for the right reasons. I have no idea what those 'un'right reasons would be, but I couldn't help but be curious. I never knew that I wanted to know my birth mom until that time came. I was so scared. I was so worried about my future from that point on. I knew as soon as I decided to pursue it, nothing would ever be the same. However, at this point, I felt like it was already too late. I was already changed.

Learning about my birth mom

"Just breathe", was all that I could say to myself. I COULD NOT believe that my birth mom was looking for me. I had a million questions. How did she find me? Did she know who I was? Had I known her my whole life, but didn't know it? Question after question raced through my mind. I was in complete shock. Since I was in the middle of teaching, I told her that I would have to call her back after school.

Needless to say, the rest of my day was drowned in a sea of thoughts. I was really excited. I could not believe that God had answered my prayers in such an amazing way. When I called the lady from the state back, we talked for quite a while. She told me that we were matched in the reunion registry that they have. I thought back to what had happened before I got married, and realized that my mom had mistakenly signed me up. I had the paperwork at my house still in a drawer. I couldn't do it, but at that moment in time, I was SO thankful that my mom had.

After I went home that night, I talked to my husband about it. He was excited for me. Initially, I was thrilled about the idea of getting to know my birth mom. However, as the reality of it all set in and I talked to my two best friends about it, the emotions hit me hard. I cried and cried and could not stop. I never imagined in a million years that this would happen. I was so confused. The roller coaster ride had begun.

The lady from the state needed to know what information she could disclose to my birth mom about me. I told her I needed to think about it. After all, this is a complete stranger. I still didn't know why she wanted to contact me. I felt like I should approach the situation cautiously. My birth mom had given her permission to give me any information that I wanted. The lady from the state asked me if I wanted to know her name. I grabbed a pen and paper. I remember feeling frozen in time as I was about to hear my birth mom's name for the very first time. It seemed like it took her 5 minutes to tell me. She preceded to tell me where she worked, what she looked like (based on a driver's license picture), where she lived, and then she gave me her address and phone number. Wow! Words alone can not begin to describe how I felt. Now I had to decide what to do next.

The fact that my parents did not know was what bothered me the most. I had to tell them. I remember feeling so overwhelmed at school I couldn't focus on my job. My thoughts were consumed with my birth mom. I was so overcome with emotions. I had to ask my principal if I could leave early. I didn't go into detail why I needed to leave, but she understood. I left school after lunch and went straight to my parents house. I had to tell them. They needed to know what was going on. I couldn't move forward until they knew what was happening to me.