Finding Myself

Have any of you seen the movie, "Runaway Bride"? Well, there's a girl who has been engaged multiple times and ends up running off during the actual wedding ceremony each time. A reporter finds it to be an interesting story so he follows her around for a while, interviewing her ex's, etc. One thing that he finds is that in each relationship, whatever kind of eggs her fiancé liked, that was what she liked too. Ever since that movie came out, my best friend has told me that I don't know how I like my eggs. I hate when she says that, but it is true...I guess that's why I hate it. As much as i hate to admit it, I am that girl. The only difference is, I'm not running away from marriages or commitments, I'm running for a different reason. I'm continually running in my best effort to find myself. I have spent the past year getting to know another side of my biological family. It's been good, it's been bad, and it's been everything in between. Through all the ups and downs of it all, I am discovering how little I truly know about myself. Ive learned that I was more or less raised with a distorted sense of who I was supposed to be. That is something that makes me very difficult to understand and essentially affects every relationship I'm in. I've started reading, "Coming Home to Self" by Nancy Newton Verrier, author of The Primal Wound. If you've never read it, you must! It's a very good book for adoptees and really anyone involved in the triad. Anyway, as I was reading, I came across the "Appearance of the Chameleon". Basically, it says that your need for approval causes you to try to fit into every situation by observing others and agreeing with everyone without ever really having any distinct opinions or ideas. It more specifically says, "He may seem nice, but there is nobody home...it is the scared child who is making an appearance. The adult, with ideas, opinions, and suggestions of his own is nowhere to be found." It really bothered me, because I've heard almost the exact same thing from those that are closest to me. I'm present in body, but mentally and emotionally I'm in another place. I'm hoping to find that person. I've spent my whole life trying to be the person I thought was expected of me and not who "me" really is. So, with that said, I guess it is true that I don't really know how I like my eggs, but I'm trying my best to figure it out.

Life is like an hourglass...

...eventually, everything hits the bottom and all you have to do is wait it out until someone comes along and turns it around.

My life has definitely hit an all-time low over the course of the past 9 months. I found the bottom of the hourglass. I have struggled, unknowingly, my entire life with being adopted. I have struggled with my race, knowing that it was the cause of why I was adopted. I have struggled with my ap's, not being like everyone else in my family but the same was expected. I have struggled with what I want as an adult now that I have the option of having my first family in my life. I have struggled with letting people down in my life that have always been there in my quest to get to know my first family. I have struggled with seeming "ungrateful" for my ap's for providing a life for me that my first family did not. I could go on and on. It's just been a constant struggle. Even though I feel like I've hit the bottom, I am fortunate to have a husband, amazing friends, and family to help turn it around. I'm definitely a work in progress, but hopefully I'm returning to a better place.

So, the short version of what's been going on with me....
My dad's wife was the "friend" that was trying to contact me on Facebook. She didn't tell him about her search because she didn't want to disappoint him if she did find me and I didn't want to have anything to do to him. My mom had an EXTREMELY difficult time accepting the fact that my dad actually wanted to be a part of my life. She would call me crying and ranting about how he was a loser and the reason she had to give me away. I really think it was her extreme reaction that made me more curious about him. His wife kept messaging me on Facebook, along with my little brother. I messaged them daily for a couple of months before I finally called my dad. That was the beginning of a whirlwind of things in my life. My mom told me that she could not be in my life as long as he was in it and...that was it. I have not heard from her since...let's see, that's rejection #3 from her in case any of you are keeping track. My relationship with my dad has continued to grow. Don't think for a second that it is perfect, because it is FAR from that. We have had a LOT of issues to work through (mostly me) and I continue to struggle through things almost daily. I have a lot of why's, how's, and what-if's that constantly find their way in my head. It is a day to day process. He and his wife and my three brothers have been more then accepting towards me. I've spent a lot of time with them. My kids know them all very well and enjoy seeing them. His wife and I have become close, as she has been there to listen and help me process all that has transpired in our reunion. She understands things more from his perspective and has helped me see things from his point of view. She has told me what his thoughts were of me over the past 20 years that they've been together and how he's never hidden my existence from her. That was very imprtant for me to hear. I absolutely adore my brothers. It's been so much fun getting to know them and seeing how much we have in common. They call daily and want to know what is going on in all of our lives. It's been an experience completely the opposite of my reunion with my mom. It's very surreal, at times.

Through the course of my reunion with my dad, I have found out that a lot of the things that my mom told me about him and my relinquishment were not true. She openly admitted to a couple of MAJOR discrepancies right before she told me that she was moving on with her life and had no room for me in it. That has been hard, but it has given me a clearer picture of what happened 34 years ago. Being rejected by my mom again was a huge blow, but I definitely know where I stand with her now. It's sad, but I no longer have to wonder what she's thinking and if she cares about me. She has made everything very clear. Clarity is what I've been searching for for a very long time and I can honestly say I have it now.

So, that's the quick version of the latest news in my adoption story. There are a lot of details that have led me to where I am at now, but I can go back and tell bits and pieces later. I have sat down to type too many times to count and I could never find the right place to start. I hate when I struggle with things because it makes me feel like I am weak. I am slowly learning, though, that my strength comes from within. I am only as strong as my mind is telling me that I am. This is all just a continual work in progress. I'm ready for it to be a completed work, though. I wonder if that's even possible?? I guess time will tell.

We'll try this again...

Have you all forgotten about me? I've kind of forgotten about myself. I have written for over a year about the trials of adoption and reunion. I've talked about all the hurdles I have faced and ways that I've managed to get over them. I thought I was maybe getting closer to understanding my life a little better when a new HUGE hurdle presented itself. I can't decide if I've been at a track meet jumping hurdles over the past few months or at an amusement park on an endless roller coaster...probably a little of both. I am not even sure where to start. When I first started this blog, I was past the initial shock of reunion and was basically looking back on what I had been through and sharing it with you all. Well, this is different. I am in the midst of my renuion with my dad, and there hasn't been anything easy about it. I have tried to write numerous times, but I cannot find the words. I have been happy, sad, angry, resentful, frustrated, and confused. It has been almost 9 months since I received the email saying that my dad was looking for me. It has been a whirlwind ever since. There is so much to write, I am not even sure where to begin. I just wanted to get something out there so you all know I haven't disappeared. As the words come, I will post. This blog has been great therapy for me and I hope that it can continue to be. I look forward to catching up with everyone. It's been too long!

The Next Chapter

Well...it has been an EXTREMELY busy summer around my house. I have sat down to post several times, but just couldn't think of what I wanted to say. So tonight, I decided I would begin to share the story of the next chapter. It'll take a few posts to get it all out there, so bear with me...

I started talking to my mom about the friend of my dad's that was sending me messages on Facebook. I did not know who she was and where this was all coming from. It was so random. I questioned if my dad really wanted to contact me or if this was just a curious friend. The friend left me a number to call to talk to my dad, but I just couldn't do it. I was scared.

Over the week or so that followed, my mom was having an extremely difficult time with everything. It was like she was reliving my relinquishment, regretting what she did, wishing things had played out differently, talking about how my dad was absolutely no help and didn't care about her while she was pregnant or me. It was awful. She kept telling me that I should not trust him or this "friend" of his. She felt like it was all some plan to hurt me because he didn't care about me...and according to her, he never cared.

I felt like I was reliving everything that happened when I told my AP's about my bmom finding me and wanting to be a part of my life. I was confused, I didn't know what to do. In the meantime, I am still getting messages from my dad's friend. I had started answering my brother's messages. He would send several a day. I asked him if his mom knew about me and he said yes. He would tell me things about my dad and my other brothers. We would message back and forth about lots of things. I even asked him, at one point, if he knew who this frined was. He never responded. I like messaging him because it wasn't heavy. We would talk about sports and things we liked and stuff. It was fun getting to know him. It was the first real sibling relationship that I had. I knew my half-brother from my mom, but he rarely talked to me and was not interested at all in having any kind of a relationship. So, this brother wanting to find out about me made me feel really good. I don't think I had ever felt that from anyone in my biological family. Definitely not my half-brother and not fully from my mom.

My mom kept warning me about getting my brother involved. She would call me and talk to me for hours on the phone crying and worried about me and what was going to happen. She kept telling me that she didn't trust my dad and she didn't think his wife would be OK with me. I told her that my brother had said that she knew and my mom told me that she didn't believe it. She warned me about how my dad was and how he's had 9 years to get to know me and he's refused to even try. My brother had asked for my number so we could text and my mom told me that it was not a good idea to give it to him because then my dad might find out and start calling me. My head was spinning. I didn't know what to do. I was slowly realizing that talking to my mom about my dad was not helping the situation.

After the fourth or fifth message that I got from my dad's friend, my mom asked me to give her the phone number the friend gave me and she would call and find out who it was. I did...looking back, maybe not such a great idea but I was at a loss. She called and ended up talking to my dad. What happened next?? NOt at all what I was expecting. But then again, what about reunion goes as expected? I'm still waiting for that moment.

Where do I go from here?

I've asked myself that question a hundred times over. I wish I had an answer. Having been through reunion (and re-reunion) with my nmom, I figured I would have it all figured out by now. Or, at the very least, have a better idea of what to expect. I was wrong. I obviously have avoided blogging for the past month. I always wished that I knew about the forum, blogging, etc back when I was in my first reunion with my nmom. I thought it would have been SOOO wonderful to have the support of all my adoptee friends back when I was trying to make it through the throes of adoption and reunion. Well, here I am again in the same situation, however, I have totally neglected utilizing the support. Why? Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking and it all came down to three reasons.

First of all, I've avoided blogging because that's what I do. Anytime I am faced with a stressful situation, I typically try to avoid dealing with it. So, that's exactly what I did. Out of sight, out of mind? Not exactly, but in my mind if I wasn't "talking" about it, then I wasn't having to deal with it.

Secondly, I avoided blogging because I really was not sure how I was feeling. Of course there have been the roller coaster ups and downs, but for the most part, I was unsure and just needed some time to absorb what was happening. I didn't know what to say, what part of the journey to share, what advice to ask for, etc. I just needed time.

And finally, I avoided blogging because I felt guilty. Blogging has been a great source of therapy for me and I know that a lot of you find comfort in following and knowing that you are not alone. But sometimes I feel guilty talking about the difficulties of being reunited with my natural family when so many of you would give ANYTHING to have just a moment with yours. It's really been a struggle for me.

So, am I the only one that feels this way? I've thought about deleting my blog...AGAIN! I've thought about going private. I've thought about just continuing on with the next chapter of my reunion. I guess "un"avoiding is a great start! ;) Any way that I look at it, all thoughts lead back to the same question...Where do I go from here?

Roller Coasters and Tug of War

The roller coaster of emotions are back. On top of that, I feel like I am the rope in a fierce game of tug-of-war. Mom vs dad....AP's vs BP's...guilt vs desire...it's constant. I have not contacted my dad, yet. I have been messaging back and forth with my 15 year old brother. He is super sweet, funny, and extremely curious. A lot has unfolded and I have a lot of updating to do. But for now, I'm going to wait until I talk to my counselor and sort through some of my feelings before I post the latest details. I'm not sure what I think about all of it..or I haven't got to a point where I can verbalize what I'm thinking. It's differnet this time around because I kind of have a clue, but it is still scary. The neverending list of questions are there...What do I do? Where is this new door going to lead me? In the process of potentially pursuing a relationship with my dad and his family, will it ruin the relationship that I have with my mom? I haven't (and probably won't for a while) mentioned any of this to my AP's...I can only imagine what that will be like? Questions that bring up more questions that lead to other questions are constantly running through my mind. I've said on here so many times that I've never had a desire to know my dad or force a relationship. I was OK with the way things were. But, now that the opportunity is here, my feelings about it are beginning to change. I'm just hoping I make decisions because of desire and not because of guilt. I'm hoping that I deal with things in a healthy way. ::Sigh:: Roller coasters and tug-of-war -- will life ever be the same again?

Blindsided

You know, the craziest things happen when you're not looking for them. At least for me. Finding my husband, getting pregnant with twins, losing my twins, finding out I was pregnant with my 3rd, and , of course, my reunion with my mom totally blindsided me. Those are the first situations that popped in my head that were completely unexpected. I wasn't looking or expecting any of those things to happen, but they did. Some of those situations were for the better and some of them I'm still trying to figure out "why". Regardless, they all came when I least expected it.

Well...as you have probably guessed by now...I have been blindsided once again.

As I was getting ready to leave for school yesterday morning, I noticed that I had an email notifying me of a message someone left for me on facebook. So, I clicked on it just to see who it was. I didn't recognize the name so I started reading the message:

I am helping a friend search for their daughter...we believe you are her call me @ ***-***-****. His name is (first name) (last name), he is your dad

My first thought, being as naive as I can sometimes, was "Oh, someone must be randomly searching for a family member and came across my name." However, when I got to the last line and saw his first and last name, I thought I was going to pass out. It was insane. According to my mom, he's known that she's been in contact with me for 9 years. Why is he trying to find me now? He knows how to get in touch with her. Why isn't he just calling her? Who in the world is this "friend" that's trying to help him? The questions just kept coming.

I sent my mom a text and asked her if she knew the friend by name. She, of course, didn't. I told her the rest of the situation and she said she knew nothing about it and she'd call me after work and we could figure it all out. So I went to school and went on with my normal routine. I thought about the situation off and on all day and wondered what I should do.

I've mentioned before that I don't know how I feel about meeting my dad. It has been so emotionally draining trying to figure out my relationship with my mom that I honestly don;t know if I can pursue another relationship right now. Plus, this one was easy because it was his friend, not him. I thought if he wanted to talk to me, find me, whatever, he could do it himself. It may sound kind of bratty but, unfortunately, my heart is a bit guarded right now. I don't want to be hurt.

When I got home from school, I got on facebook to see if this friend of his had any pictures or other info on her page. She didn't. All it showed was where she lived and that she was a 'she'. No profile pic or anything. I started talking to my husband about it when I noticed another message had popped up. I clicked on it and I read:

I was wondering if you are my sister. (My first, maiden and last names). Daughter of (my mom's first and last name). I was wondering if you know your birth dads name?

I just about died! What on earth is happening? My dad is supposedly looking for me and then my half brother sends me a message the same day looking for me. I could handle the "friend of my dad" situation because it wasn't him, just a friend. But my brother? I don't want to leave him hanging. He has a picture of him with what looks like a girlfriend or something as his profile pic. No other information. I text my mom and she called and told me that he was my dad's middle son with his current wife. He's in high school.

So, like I said...the craziest things happen when you're not looking for them. I haven't messaged anybody back. It just happened yesterday and I'm trying to process it all. What do I want? What should I do? What will I regret if I don't? You know...all the good questions that roll through your mind. I think I might respond to the friend and give her my e-mail and tell her he can contact me that way. i don;t want to call and talk to a complete stranger. As far as my brother's message,I want to respond just to say I got it and yes, I know my birth dad's name. I'm not sure what he wants or is expecting. He's young and obviously has no idea what he's getting himself into. But, really, who does? I know I don't!