Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
I hope I NEVER have to bury another one of my kids.
Having to go through the loss of my twins was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life. However, TRYING my best to find a positive in that situation, I have told myself a hundred times over that I am thankful that they were taken sooner. I was thankful that I only had an empty, unused room to come home to. I didn't have to pack away their favorite toys, special outfits, or look at the empty chairs where they sat at meal times around the table. It could have been so much worse. I cannot even imagine having to bury my 9, 4, or 1 year old. As tragic and awful as the twins' deaths were, losing my babies now would be even harder. The thought alone brings me to tears.
I am so thankful for my beautiful children!
Showing posts with label 30 Days of Truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 30 Days of Truth. Show all posts
Friday, February 4, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Truth #5
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
There are so many things that I hope to do in my life. I hope to be a good wife. I hope to raise respectable children. I hope to be a good friend. I hope to live a life that is not full of regret. I do not want to die without being able to say that I have done SOMETHING to make the world a better place, but I am sure that is what everyone hopes for! So, I am going to go with something a little more on the selfish side. It is definitely a dream of mine and on the very top of my bucket list!
I hope to someday go to Paris.
Ever since I was a sophomore in high school, it has been my dream trip. Hopefully, that dream will be a reality one day! :)
There are so many things that I hope to do in my life. I hope to be a good wife. I hope to raise respectable children. I hope to be a good friend. I hope to live a life that is not full of regret. I do not want to die without being able to say that I have done SOMETHING to make the world a better place, but I am sure that is what everyone hopes for! So, I am going to go with something a little more on the selfish side. It is definitely a dream of mine and on the very top of my bucket list!
I hope to someday go to Paris.
Ever since I was a sophomore in high school, it has been my dream trip. Hopefully, that dream will be a reality one day! :)
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Truth #4
Being snowed in is really helping me catch up on my blog. Don't get used to it. This blizzard can't last forever! ;) Onto truth #4...
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Like most of us, I have a list of people that I need to forgive. Not so much that they deserve my forgiveness, but in order for me to move on with my life it's something I need to do. However, since my task for Day 4 is to forgive some'one', I will keep this post to that...just one person.
I need to forgive my first mom for giving me away.
That is not something I talk about a lot, but definitely something that I have struggled with for a long time. It is not that I had a terrible, awful childhood and I think I would have had a happier life with her. For me, it has been just knowing that I didn't matter enough to her for her to keep me, raise me, and love me.
There is just something that messes with the psyche to know that your mother did not want to keep you. I know many first moms will say that is not always the case and I know that it is not. However, when your mom tells you about not being able to 'take it' in the home she went to for two days or that she knows her grandmother would have loved you...taken us in...helped take care of you...etc, it kind of takes away from the "I had no other choice" thing. I've heard from her a hundred times, "but it was more complicating then that." That's fine, but it hurts to know that you, your life, did not matter more.
Being in reunion has been like being on the roller coaster ride from hell...to put it lightly. It is never ending. Just when you think things have slowed down, it's getting better and you can breathe a little easier, you find yourself turned upside down and starting the ride all over again. There have been a number of times that I have cried out, "Why?". I just don't get it. But, it is what it is...my life is what it is.
Even though she gave me away once, she found me and then rejected me again, then found me again and God only knows what's going to happen this time around, I still want her in my life. Something about knowing she is there makes me feel better. Even though she is so broken and sad as ever, she's there...my mom is there. If I am going to continue in our relationship, I have to forgive her. Hanging on to anger and fear only damages me and, in turn, keeps me from giving joy, understanding, and compassion to the other loved ones in my life. I know she loves me and never intended to hurt me, so I forgive her.
"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." ~Louis B. Smedes
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Like most of us, I have a list of people that I need to forgive. Not so much that they deserve my forgiveness, but in order for me to move on with my life it's something I need to do. However, since my task for Day 4 is to forgive some'one', I will keep this post to that...just one person.
I need to forgive my first mom for giving me away.
That is not something I talk about a lot, but definitely something that I have struggled with for a long time. It is not that I had a terrible, awful childhood and I think I would have had a happier life with her. For me, it has been just knowing that I didn't matter enough to her for her to keep me, raise me, and love me.
There is just something that messes with the psyche to know that your mother did not want to keep you. I know many first moms will say that is not always the case and I know that it is not. However, when your mom tells you about not being able to 'take it' in the home she went to for two days or that she knows her grandmother would have loved you...taken us in...helped take care of you...etc, it kind of takes away from the "I had no other choice" thing. I've heard from her a hundred times, "but it was more complicating then that." That's fine, but it hurts to know that you, your life, did not matter more.
Being in reunion has been like being on the roller coaster ride from hell...to put it lightly. It is never ending. Just when you think things have slowed down, it's getting better and you can breathe a little easier, you find yourself turned upside down and starting the ride all over again. There have been a number of times that I have cried out, "Why?". I just don't get it. But, it is what it is...my life is what it is.
Even though she gave me away once, she found me and then rejected me again, then found me again and God only knows what's going to happen this time around, I still want her in my life. Something about knowing she is there makes me feel better. Even though she is so broken and sad as ever, she's there...my mom is there. If I am going to continue in our relationship, I have to forgive her. Hanging on to anger and fear only damages me and, in turn, keeps me from giving joy, understanding, and compassion to the other loved ones in my life. I know she loves me and never intended to hurt me, so I forgive her.
"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." ~Louis B. Smedes
Monday, January 31, 2011
Truth #3
I am beginning to think I should have read through this list before I committed. Yikes...it gets kind of deep! I am hoping by the end of this, I will be a more well rounded person. One can hope, right? Moving on...
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
I need to forgive myself for not being the perfect mother.
As long as I can remember I have always LOVED children. It was my dream to one day have 5 or 6 of my own. I have spent most of my life, from probably about 5 on, taking care of children. Whether it was my little brother, my neighbors' children, the nursery at church, teaching bible classes, sponsoring a child through the mail, Camp Fire groups, or babysitting...you name it...I ALWAYS found a way to be around and/or involved with children. I just LOVED kids.
As I got older, I started to realize that my desire to have children wasn't totally because I just loved kids. While that was a huge part of it, I had a very strong desire to have someone in my life that was a part of me. Being an adopted child raised in a family with bio-siblings, you reach a point where you realize that you don't have your mom's nose, your dad's eyes, your grandma's laugh, your aunt's jawline, etc. I reached a point where I wanted to be able to have someone that was my flesh and my blood. Selfish? Totally. But I wanted it all the same.
When I got married and we were expecting out first babies, TWIN girls, I was so excited. Not only was I going to have two babies, they were ours. They would have my genes. Maybe my smile, maybe their dad's nose..honestly, I didn't care. I was just thrilled to have a connection, for the first time, to another being...or two. :) That was until we lost them 6 months into my pregnancy. I was crushed, hurt, and devastated to my core. There are no words to describe that pain. Not only were my baby girls gone, a huge part of me was gone too. Two lives that were a part of me, were now buried in the ground. Only my heart knew the love that I had for them. I got to snuggle their tiny bodies, hold their perfect little hands, and kiss their tiny fingers and toes, and, of course, their little noses (definitely their daddy's!)and then let them go.
Letting go was hard. Choosing a funeral home, finding a cemetery, picking out a casket...there are no words. The days before and after were miserable. I was left to wonder. Why did God take my babies from me? Did he think I would not have been a good enough mother? Did he know that I would fail them time and time again? Did he think I couldn't handle taking care of them? I begged, and pleaded with God for weeks. Promising him that if he would give me another chance I would be THE BEST mom. Well, almost 2 months after we lost our baby girls, I became pregnant again. I was cautiously optimistic throughout the entire pregnancy, but almost 11 months to the date that we lost our little girls, we had our little girl.
I was elated about our newborn, but reality slowly started setting in. Motherhood was nothing like I thought it would be. It didn't matter whose smile or nose she had, there was a LOT of work and emotions that went into raising her. Not only was I dealing with crazy postpartum hormones, but I was also dealing with the loss of the twins and, SURPRISE, my first mom decides she's ready to enter my life. I WAS A MESS! All the promises I made to God about being the very best mother in the world seemed to go right out the window. I hated myself more times then I can count for not being a better mom, making better choices, knowing what to do in all situations, etc. AND to make things even better, 4.5 years later we had a little boy AND 3 years after that we added another little girl to the mix.
I still struggle with motherhood at times. However, I am also starting to realize that it was very unrealistic to think that I should be the perfect mom. Yes, raising children brings an abundance of responsibility upon myself, but I also need to give myself a break every now and then. My thoughts about raising children prior to actually having them were solely based on my need to feel like I belonged somewhere...I wanted "my people", so to speak. My thoughts since having children have drastically changed. Yes, it's nice to finally see myself in another little being (that has turned out to be a bit scarier then I ever realized!!), but there's so much more to it then that. I am so very thankful for my five little blessings. Even though my time with two of my children was short-lived, they have all taught me in one way or another how to be a better person. I'm so thankful for them and also grateful that I have reached a point that I can forgive myself for not being the perfect mother that I feel they deserve.
Looking at the road ahead, I have a long haul in this job as a mom. I want to enjoy it. I want to set a good example for my children. The only way that I feel I can do that is to do what I think is best (and not beat myself up when I later realize that I should have done it differently) and just be entirely me...their imperfect mother that loves them unconditionally with all of my heart and soul.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
I need to forgive myself for not being the perfect mother.
As long as I can remember I have always LOVED children. It was my dream to one day have 5 or 6 of my own. I have spent most of my life, from probably about 5 on, taking care of children. Whether it was my little brother, my neighbors' children, the nursery at church, teaching bible classes, sponsoring a child through the mail, Camp Fire groups, or babysitting...you name it...I ALWAYS found a way to be around and/or involved with children. I just LOVED kids.
As I got older, I started to realize that my desire to have children wasn't totally because I just loved kids. While that was a huge part of it, I had a very strong desire to have someone in my life that was a part of me. Being an adopted child raised in a family with bio-siblings, you reach a point where you realize that you don't have your mom's nose, your dad's eyes, your grandma's laugh, your aunt's jawline, etc. I reached a point where I wanted to be able to have someone that was my flesh and my blood. Selfish? Totally. But I wanted it all the same.
When I got married and we were expecting out first babies, TWIN girls, I was so excited. Not only was I going to have two babies, they were ours. They would have my genes. Maybe my smile, maybe their dad's nose..honestly, I didn't care. I was just thrilled to have a connection, for the first time, to another being...or two. :) That was until we lost them 6 months into my pregnancy. I was crushed, hurt, and devastated to my core. There are no words to describe that pain. Not only were my baby girls gone, a huge part of me was gone too. Two lives that were a part of me, were now buried in the ground. Only my heart knew the love that I had for them. I got to snuggle their tiny bodies, hold their perfect little hands, and kiss their tiny fingers and toes, and, of course, their little noses (definitely their daddy's!)and then let them go.
Letting go was hard. Choosing a funeral home, finding a cemetery, picking out a casket...there are no words. The days before and after were miserable. I was left to wonder. Why did God take my babies from me? Did he think I would not have been a good enough mother? Did he know that I would fail them time and time again? Did he think I couldn't handle taking care of them? I begged, and pleaded with God for weeks. Promising him that if he would give me another chance I would be THE BEST mom. Well, almost 2 months after we lost our baby girls, I became pregnant again. I was cautiously optimistic throughout the entire pregnancy, but almost 11 months to the date that we lost our little girls, we had our little girl.
I was elated about our newborn, but reality slowly started setting in. Motherhood was nothing like I thought it would be. It didn't matter whose smile or nose she had, there was a LOT of work and emotions that went into raising her. Not only was I dealing with crazy postpartum hormones, but I was also dealing with the loss of the twins and, SURPRISE, my first mom decides she's ready to enter my life. I WAS A MESS! All the promises I made to God about being the very best mother in the world seemed to go right out the window. I hated myself more times then I can count for not being a better mom, making better choices, knowing what to do in all situations, etc. AND to make things even better, 4.5 years later we had a little boy AND 3 years after that we added another little girl to the mix.
I still struggle with motherhood at times. However, I am also starting to realize that it was very unrealistic to think that I should be the perfect mom. Yes, raising children brings an abundance of responsibility upon myself, but I also need to give myself a break every now and then. My thoughts about raising children prior to actually having them were solely based on my need to feel like I belonged somewhere...I wanted "my people", so to speak. My thoughts since having children have drastically changed. Yes, it's nice to finally see myself in another little being (that has turned out to be a bit scarier then I ever realized!!), but there's so much more to it then that. I am so very thankful for my five little blessings. Even though my time with two of my children was short-lived, they have all taught me in one way or another how to be a better person. I'm so thankful for them and also grateful that I have reached a point that I can forgive myself for not being the perfect mother that I feel they deserve.
Looking at the road ahead, I have a long haul in this job as a mom. I want to enjoy it. I want to set a good example for my children. The only way that I feel I can do that is to do what I think is best (and not beat myself up when I later realize that I should have done it differently) and just be entirely me...their imperfect mother that loves them unconditionally with all of my heart and soul.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Truth # 2
7 days later and I'm FINALLY getting around to Truth #2?!! Guess you all thought I was just being facetious when I said it would take me a year! Ha! Anyway...
Truth #2: Something you love about yourself.
I've thought about this one a lot over the past few days. I am not one to take a compliment very well, much less compliment myself so this one was hard. BUT I did think of something, finally.
I think the thing that I love about myself is that I have a lot of compassion for others..friend, enemy, or complete stranger...I do not like to see others hurting. I used to think all people were this way, but as I've gotten older I have found that is not necessarily true.
If someone is hurting, whether I know them or not, I hurt too. You may think this falls under the "people pleasing" umbrella, but in my mind it doesn't. People pleasing is more of a selfish thing, which is why I DO NOT like that about myself. (I mean, really? Who likes to think of themselves as being a selfish person?) In recent years I have discovered that I please others to, unknowingly, make myself feel better. That is not the case with compassion. I have compassion for others, because I care for people and do not like to see others suffer.
I'm sure there is some grand psychological reasoning to why some people are naturally compassionate, while others can laugh at the sight/thought of an "enemy' in pain. Whether it is how I was raised or because of things that I have had to overcome in my life, who knows? Whatever the reason, I do like that I can look past whatever crap I have been handed to lend a hand, an ear, or a shoulder to cry on...even if they would not do the same for me.
Truth #2: Something you love about yourself.
I've thought about this one a lot over the past few days. I am not one to take a compliment very well, much less compliment myself so this one was hard. BUT I did think of something, finally.
I think the thing that I love about myself is that I have a lot of compassion for others..friend, enemy, or complete stranger...I do not like to see others hurting. I used to think all people were this way, but as I've gotten older I have found that is not necessarily true.
If someone is hurting, whether I know them or not, I hurt too. You may think this falls under the "people pleasing" umbrella, but in my mind it doesn't. People pleasing is more of a selfish thing, which is why I DO NOT like that about myself. (I mean, really? Who likes to think of themselves as being a selfish person?) In recent years I have discovered that I please others to, unknowingly, make myself feel better. That is not the case with compassion. I have compassion for others, because I care for people and do not like to see others suffer.
I'm sure there is some grand psychological reasoning to why some people are naturally compassionate, while others can laugh at the sight/thought of an "enemy' in pain. Whether it is how I was raised or because of things that I have had to overcome in my life, who knows? Whatever the reason, I do like that I can look past whatever crap I have been handed to lend a hand, an ear, or a shoulder to cry on...even if they would not do the same for me.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
30 Days of Truth
I have been inspired to attempt to do the "30 Days of Truth" challenge. At the rate that I have been posting lately, it may take me all year to do it, but it will get done. Besides, I never read that it had to be done in 30 consecutive days!!! :)
So here goes...
Truth #1: Something you dislike about yourself.
I can easily think of a hundred different things that I dislike about myself. However, my biggest dislike is the fact that I am a people pleaser. I drive myself nuts sometimes trying to make others happy. I will give up my only break at school to help someone else out. I volunteer to do jobs I really do not have time to do just because someone asked and said "they coudn't find anyone else to do it". I would give my last dollar to a total stranger just because they asked and I know I would feel awful later if I didn't help. I will even put myself (and sometimes my family)in harm's way by giving said stranger a ride to their apartment a few miles away because they said they were too tired to walk back home.
I know...it's a little crazy...but that's me. I don't even have to know the person to want to please them. It's something I do without much thought. It's just a natural reaction. I don't know if it's a normal reaction, but it's what I do.
The thing I dislike the most about it is that people take total advantage of the people pleaser types. I think my willingness to do whatever I am asked makes me come across as 'easy'. Anyone will ask me to do anything because they know I'll do it. I guess since I realize all this to be true, it does make me seem kind of ignorant. However, I am fully aware of who takes advantage of me and who loves me for who I truly am...not a people pleaser, just ME! Those are the people that I try to please the most! :)
So here goes...
Truth #1: Something you dislike about yourself.
I can easily think of a hundred different things that I dislike about myself. However, my biggest dislike is the fact that I am a people pleaser. I drive myself nuts sometimes trying to make others happy. I will give up my only break at school to help someone else out. I volunteer to do jobs I really do not have time to do just because someone asked and said "they coudn't find anyone else to do it". I would give my last dollar to a total stranger just because they asked and I know I would feel awful later if I didn't help. I will even put myself (and sometimes my family)in harm's way by giving said stranger a ride to their apartment a few miles away because they said they were too tired to walk back home.
I know...it's a little crazy...but that's me. I don't even have to know the person to want to please them. It's something I do without much thought. It's just a natural reaction. I don't know if it's a normal reaction, but it's what I do.
The thing I dislike the most about it is that people take total advantage of the people pleaser types. I think my willingness to do whatever I am asked makes me come across as 'easy'. Anyone will ask me to do anything because they know I'll do it. I guess since I realize all this to be true, it does make me seem kind of ignorant. However, I am fully aware of who takes advantage of me and who loves me for who I truly am...not a people pleaser, just ME! Those are the people that I try to please the most! :)
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