I have enjoyed a little blogging hiatus, but am slowly getting back into the swing of things. School has started, and even though I am very, very busy, I must say that I truly enjoy the time I have to sit, catch up on old blogs, and blog myself. I was told by a therapist that blogging would be a very good outlet for me. She could not be any closer to the truth. I do enjoy it and it's better than journaling because I almost always get feedback! Yay! :)
Anyway, my good friend Christina gave me the idea to do a little "ask me anything" post. I say ALMOST anything jokingly. I really don't mind answering any questions. Now if we were having this conversation one on one, that may be a little different! But since I don't have to look you in the eye and admit how twisted and warped I truly am, I'm game for whatever! So, I digress...I have received several e-mails over the past few months about me, adoption, feelings, etc and I have happily answered them. However, I was thinking that this could be a great time to let everyone get in on a little therapy session. You never know when someone else may be wondering the answers to the very same question(s) you've asked, but didn't want to ask themselves. I want everyone to be heard. This journey pretty much sucks a large portion of the time, but if I can use my experience to help others I don't feel like the roller coaster of emotions ware all for nothing! :)
So...any burning questions out there???? If you could ask me any question, what would it be?Ask away, and in a day or two I'll gladly answer them the best that I can! Fire away...
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
The ugly truth
First of all, thank you so much for the e-mails. I have received several wondering if I had fell off the face of the earth! I guess, in a way, I kinda have. So, to catch you up...
Basically, I have been in a blogging slump. I have tried to read other blogs and keep up with my adoptee friends, but I just have not felt like writing about my life at all. I have thoughts, who doesn't, but I haven't been up to writing about them. Honestly, I have gone back into my own delusional world and haven't felt like coming back into reality. May sound sad, but we deal with life the best we can. In my case, I tend to avoid conflict and/or reality. Sad, but like I said, we deal the best we can.
For the majority of my life I have lived in my own world. A happy world. That is how I taught myself to cope with reality. Reality was hard. Reality made me angry. Reality was not a place I ever wanted to be. Reality sucked. So I did the only thing I knew to do...I avoided it.
I have never been one to speak up for myself. If I felt like others were being mistreated, I would have their back in a heartbeat. But growing up, no one had mine. When I was abused as a child, I chose to ignore it. I pushed the memories back in my mind as far as I could push them. I even convinced myself through most of my childhood and early adulthood that the abuse never even existed. For the absolute longest time, too long probably, I could think back on my childhood and believe that it was all wine and roses. I had that happily ever after. I really did believe it. I had convinced myself that I lived a fairytale life. Sure, I had a few trials, but life "could have been so different for me had my aparents not 'chose' to adopt me". I mean, seriously, if you're told something enough it tends to become your truth. My life was no different. I really and truly believed it. My delusional world reigned over my every thought. Things were good. Life was good. I was happy. Then, my mother waltzed back into my life.
Over the course of our relationship, reality slowly started setting in. And when I say slowly, I mean slooooooowly. It took years for me to process what I was actually feeling. Day by day and story by story, every little piece of me that had been covered in a blanket of denial was being exposed...and it hurt.
The more I got to know my mother, the more I hated everything about my past. I hated her mother for making her do it. I hated my aparents for not giving me a life like my siblings, their biological children, had. I hated myself for not trying to find her sooner. I hated life just because I existed. Then...she waltzed out of my life just as quickly as she came into it. More feelings of anger and hatred emerged. I hated her for abandoning me again. I hated her just because she didn't fight harder in the beginning. I hated myself for hating my aparents...they maybe didn't always protect me, but they didn't pop in and out of my life when convenient...their lack of interest in my life was always consistent -- I knew that I could never really count on them. I was overcome with anger that I never knew even existed inside me. It was ugly, and I did not like it at all.
After many hours of therapy, I was once again sloooooooowly learning to deal with life. Then, my mother comes back into my life once again with a whole new perspective on our relationship and life in general. It's been nice. She's been consistent. I feel happy. So...that's where I've been and where I am today. I am upbeat because I have immersed myself back into the sea of happiness. I have forgiven her of the past four years of rejection. I want to believe that she means it this time and she is going to be there for me to the end. But, the only way that I can believe that is to push the past back in my mind as far as I can. I can't change the past, but I can change the way I look at the future.
My life has been such a contradiction. That is why I have not felt like blogging. I know how a lot of you feel about adoption...whether you are an adoptee, first mom/natural mom/birthmom, or AP...there is so much hurt and heartache involved in the triangle. I don't want to get on here and talk about how great my reunion is and how perfect my relationship is with my mother, because it would not be entirely true. However, if I get on here and talk about how angry I am and how hard it is for me to trust anybody, it will be really hard for me to move forward.
Who knows where I will be a week, month, year from now. I may look back at this post and laugh at my stupidity. I guess I'll have to be ok with that. All I know is that I don't want to let my past dictate my future. Putting myself out there is not easy, but I can no longer beat myself up about every decision I make regarding my adoption. It is what it is, and I'm trying my best to deal with it.
So, I'm taking time to work on my attitude. I'm working on focusing on the positives in my life instead of dwelling on the negatives. I want to be a better wife, mother, and friend. I want to be there for those who are there for me and I can't do that when I am wallowing in my own self-pity. It's time to make some changes in my life. So, for the past month, that is what I have been working on.
So, that's my ugly truth. That's what I have been up to and why I have not been blogging. I thought about deleting my blog for a while, but I don't want to do that. I think we all have a story to share and in sharing it, we are able to make an impact on others going through a similar situation. This journey is truly a rollercoaster. I can click the "publish post" button, talk to my amother and then suddenly be overcome with a completely different point of view. However, I hope I am able to focus more on what I have now and not on what I have lost. We all need some healing, in one way or another, and I am hoping that this is mine.
Basically, I have been in a blogging slump. I have tried to read other blogs and keep up with my adoptee friends, but I just have not felt like writing about my life at all. I have thoughts, who doesn't, but I haven't been up to writing about them. Honestly, I have gone back into my own delusional world and haven't felt like coming back into reality. May sound sad, but we deal with life the best we can. In my case, I tend to avoid conflict and/or reality. Sad, but like I said, we deal the best we can.
For the majority of my life I have lived in my own world. A happy world. That is how I taught myself to cope with reality. Reality was hard. Reality made me angry. Reality was not a place I ever wanted to be. Reality sucked. So I did the only thing I knew to do...I avoided it.
I have never been one to speak up for myself. If I felt like others were being mistreated, I would have their back in a heartbeat. But growing up, no one had mine. When I was abused as a child, I chose to ignore it. I pushed the memories back in my mind as far as I could push them. I even convinced myself through most of my childhood and early adulthood that the abuse never even existed. For the absolute longest time, too long probably, I could think back on my childhood and believe that it was all wine and roses. I had that happily ever after. I really did believe it. I had convinced myself that I lived a fairytale life. Sure, I had a few trials, but life "could have been so different for me had my aparents not 'chose' to adopt me". I mean, seriously, if you're told something enough it tends to become your truth. My life was no different. I really and truly believed it. My delusional world reigned over my every thought. Things were good. Life was good. I was happy. Then, my mother waltzed back into my life.
Over the course of our relationship, reality slowly started setting in. And when I say slowly, I mean slooooooowly. It took years for me to process what I was actually feeling. Day by day and story by story, every little piece of me that had been covered in a blanket of denial was being exposed...and it hurt.
The more I got to know my mother, the more I hated everything about my past. I hated her mother for making her do it. I hated my aparents for not giving me a life like my siblings, their biological children, had. I hated myself for not trying to find her sooner. I hated life just because I existed. Then...she waltzed out of my life just as quickly as she came into it. More feelings of anger and hatred emerged. I hated her for abandoning me again. I hated her just because she didn't fight harder in the beginning. I hated myself for hating my aparents...they maybe didn't always protect me, but they didn't pop in and out of my life when convenient...their lack of interest in my life was always consistent -- I knew that I could never really count on them. I was overcome with anger that I never knew even existed inside me. It was ugly, and I did not like it at all.
After many hours of therapy, I was once again sloooooooowly learning to deal with life. Then, my mother comes back into my life once again with a whole new perspective on our relationship and life in general. It's been nice. She's been consistent. I feel happy. So...that's where I've been and where I am today. I am upbeat because I have immersed myself back into the sea of happiness. I have forgiven her of the past four years of rejection. I want to believe that she means it this time and she is going to be there for me to the end. But, the only way that I can believe that is to push the past back in my mind as far as I can. I can't change the past, but I can change the way I look at the future.
My life has been such a contradiction. That is why I have not felt like blogging. I know how a lot of you feel about adoption...whether you are an adoptee, first mom/natural mom/birthmom, or AP...there is so much hurt and heartache involved in the triangle. I don't want to get on here and talk about how great my reunion is and how perfect my relationship is with my mother, because it would not be entirely true. However, if I get on here and talk about how angry I am and how hard it is for me to trust anybody, it will be really hard for me to move forward.
Who knows where I will be a week, month, year from now. I may look back at this post and laugh at my stupidity. I guess I'll have to be ok with that. All I know is that I don't want to let my past dictate my future. Putting myself out there is not easy, but I can no longer beat myself up about every decision I make regarding my adoption. It is what it is, and I'm trying my best to deal with it.
So, I'm taking time to work on my attitude. I'm working on focusing on the positives in my life instead of dwelling on the negatives. I want to be a better wife, mother, and friend. I want to be there for those who are there for me and I can't do that when I am wallowing in my own self-pity. It's time to make some changes in my life. So, for the past month, that is what I have been working on.
So, that's my ugly truth. That's what I have been up to and why I have not been blogging. I thought about deleting my blog for a while, but I don't want to do that. I think we all have a story to share and in sharing it, we are able to make an impact on others going through a similar situation. This journey is truly a rollercoaster. I can click the "publish post" button, talk to my amother and then suddenly be overcome with a completely different point of view. However, I hope I am able to focus more on what I have now and not on what I have lost. We all need some healing, in one way or another, and I am hoping that this is mine.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Rejection
As time wore on, reality started setting in. The honeymoon was way over. Don't get me wrong, we still enjoyed any time that was spent together and talked almost everyday. It's just all the little things that I had been sweeping under the rug and excusing her from, started to get to me. We had been talking for several months and she still had not told her son about me. By this time, I had even seen him and met him on a couple different occasions and she introduced me as her friend. I was crushed. I thought I was more than a friend to her. I was her daughter. I wanted her to acknowledge that and treat me as such. Was that too much to ask?
I became a lot more verbal about my feelings towards her. I loved her, and I definitely told her that, but I also shared things with her that really bothered me. I asked her why she had not told her son. She explained again that she didn't know how he would handle it. He was 14 at the time, and she thought that was a difficult age to understand something like that. She went on and on giving me excuse after excuse. I told her that it bothered me because it made me feel like she was ashamed of me or I wasn't important to her. I began to feel that all the things she had been telling me for months about loving me and wanting me, etc were not true, but only what I wanted to hear.
She was taking a trip to see one of her best friends and was taking her son with her. She had told me that since it was a several hour drive, she would talk to him about me while they were on the road. Sounded like the perfect plan to me. I was nervous for her and wondered the whole time she was gone if it had happened yet, when it happened, how did he react, what was said, etc. When I talked to her after the trip, I was waiting for her to share with me what went on when she told him. She didn't bring it up, so I finally did. She told me that she didn't talk to him about me. It didn't 'come up' so she felt like it wasn't the right time. She shared that she felt like I was pushing her/pressuring her to do something she wasn't comfortable with. It was not a real positive conversation. I was so upset and frustrated with her.
I began to feel that this was more then I could handle. I wanted so bad to have her in my life. I would do just about anything for her acknowledgement. I was in such an emotional rut that I was having a very hard time getting myself out of it. My other relationships were starting to be affected. I knew I needed help. I needed a professional!This was the first time I had been to see a therapist. To admit that I had a problem was very difficult for me, but I knew I couldn't do this on my own.
My therapist was very helpful. After going to him for several sessions, I felt like a different person. I was HEALED!!, or so I thought. It was, more or less, a temporary fix. The roller coaster ride that I talk about so frequently on this journey had finally reached the top of another peak. What I didn't realize was that it was about to go plummeting down the other side and crash at the bottom. My world was about to be turned inside out.
I became a lot more verbal about my feelings towards her. I loved her, and I definitely told her that, but I also shared things with her that really bothered me. I asked her why she had not told her son. She explained again that she didn't know how he would handle it. He was 14 at the time, and she thought that was a difficult age to understand something like that. She went on and on giving me excuse after excuse. I told her that it bothered me because it made me feel like she was ashamed of me or I wasn't important to her. I began to feel that all the things she had been telling me for months about loving me and wanting me, etc were not true, but only what I wanted to hear.
She was taking a trip to see one of her best friends and was taking her son with her. She had told me that since it was a several hour drive, she would talk to him about me while they were on the road. Sounded like the perfect plan to me. I was nervous for her and wondered the whole time she was gone if it had happened yet, when it happened, how did he react, what was said, etc. When I talked to her after the trip, I was waiting for her to share with me what went on when she told him. She didn't bring it up, so I finally did. She told me that she didn't talk to him about me. It didn't 'come up' so she felt like it wasn't the right time. She shared that she felt like I was pushing her/pressuring her to do something she wasn't comfortable with. It was not a real positive conversation. I was so upset and frustrated with her.
I began to feel that this was more then I could handle. I wanted so bad to have her in my life. I would do just about anything for her acknowledgement. I was in such an emotional rut that I was having a very hard time getting myself out of it. My other relationships were starting to be affected. I knew I needed help. I needed a professional!This was the first time I had been to see a therapist. To admit that I had a problem was very difficult for me, but I knew I couldn't do this on my own.
My therapist was very helpful. After going to him for several sessions, I felt like a different person. I was HEALED!!, or so I thought. It was, more or less, a temporary fix. The roller coaster ride that I talk about so frequently on this journey had finally reached the top of another peak. What I didn't realize was that it was about to go plummeting down the other side and crash at the bottom. My world was about to be turned inside out.
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