Second Thoughts

I was wondering how many of you have accessed your adoption records. I have been excited about the possibility of having factual, real information about me. However, as I have started the process to obtain my records, I am suddenly a little nervous about it. I am beginning to wonder if opening this up will also bring about new issues...a whole new list is raiding my mind. Who knows what my adoption records...OBC, court proceedings, agency reports, etc... may disclose? What if I discover more lies? Am I ready to find out?

I have a very strong feeling that my AP's knew more than what they ever disclosed to me throughout my life. I have another VERY strong feeling that they already have a copy of my adoption records. There are little things that I have always known about myself that my nmom said she never shared with anyone. The only way that my AP's could know that information to tell me is if they obtained it from my adoption records.

My AP's, I felt, were always fairly open about my adoption. I knew I was adopted. I knew what my nmom had named me. They told me that my nmom was enrolled at a local community college in her hometown. Several details like that I always knew. However, it was always on their terms. If i ever asked my amom something specific abut my nmom, she would give me a vague answer.

Once, my amom told me when I turned 13 she would give me some information that would tell me more about my nmom. I will never forget my 13th birthday. I was expecdting a big envelope full of information about me, my nmom and ndad, my birth, etc. INstead, my amom was out of town with my sister. I called in my own cake to the local bakery, my adad went and picked it up when he finished working, and we ate it. That was it. That was my 13th birthday. No big envelope. No records. Just a cake that I ordered for myself.

I have a strange sense of loyalty to my AP's. I am angry with them about a lot of things that happened growing up, but I also have a hard time expressing my true feelings to them. You know, the whole...because you took me in and saved me from a life of poverty and despair. Because of that, I have felt like I "owed it to them" to be the good girl...dependable and loyal. I guess that it's paid off to an extent. I am the executor to their estate over their biological children. Bottom line, I am the one that they trust. I'm sure if I was ever really honest with them, this would all be thrown in my face.

I am sure many of you are thinking that it's CRAZY to have second thoughts. I think it's pretty crazy too. So, why am I nervous about it? Well for me, NOTHING with my reunion has gone how I thought it would. I don't think anyone could have prepared me for the emotions involved. That is why I am nervous about opening up my adoption records. I am having second thoughts on whether or not I am ready to "go there" and, unfortunately, I won't know until I do it.