Roller Coasters and Tug of War

The roller coaster of emotions are back. On top of that, I feel like I am the rope in a fierce game of tug-of-war. Mom vs dad....AP's vs BP's...guilt vs desire...it's constant. I have not contacted my dad, yet. I have been messaging back and forth with my 15 year old brother. He is super sweet, funny, and extremely curious. A lot has unfolded and I have a lot of updating to do. But for now, I'm going to wait until I talk to my counselor and sort through some of my feelings before I post the latest details. I'm not sure what I think about all of it..or I haven't got to a point where I can verbalize what I'm thinking. It's differnet this time around because I kind of have a clue, but it is still scary. The neverending list of questions are there...What do I do? Where is this new door going to lead me? In the process of potentially pursuing a relationship with my dad and his family, will it ruin the relationship that I have with my mom? I haven't (and probably won't for a while) mentioned any of this to my AP's...I can only imagine what that will be like? Questions that bring up more questions that lead to other questions are constantly running through my mind. I've said on here so many times that I've never had a desire to know my dad or force a relationship. I was OK with the way things were. But, now that the opportunity is here, my feelings about it are beginning to change. I'm just hoping I make decisions because of desire and not because of guilt. I'm hoping that I deal with things in a healthy way. ::Sigh:: Roller coasters and tug-of-war -- will life ever be the same again?

Random Reunion Thoughts

10 years ago, I never, ever would have admitted that I wanted to know my first mom. If somone asked, I would always quickly reply with, "OH, no!! Of course not! I could never do that to my parents. They were the ones that raised me. That just wouldn't be fair to them." And, I actually thought I meant it.

Well, fast forward to THE day..translated into THE day I found out that she was looking for me, THE day my world turned upside down...and that is all I could think about. She wanted me. She was looking for me. Then I have all this anger directed toward my ap's that I never knew exisited. It literally came out of nowhere. I was so angry at them for making me feel guilty for wanting a relationship with her. I was so hurt that they didn't at least attempt to be supportive and try to understand. I didn't care if it was genuine...just fake it...just pretend to be happy for me so I knew that what I was persuing was ok.

I loved many things about my reunion. Of course the emotions and figuring out 'stuff' was hard, but I LOVED getting to know my mom, and about the family, meeting people I was related to and finding out where I came from. I loved it, until she went away. Just like that, she was gone, again, out of my life. Then I spent the next few years angry at her. I was upset and so guilt-ridden that I ever was angry with my ap's. Angry that I invested so much of my heart into a relationship with her. I was so mad and so hurt.

Four years later, after many hours of counseling and a lot of growing up, I finally reached a point where I was ready to move on. I felt so much peace about it. I truly was ready to let go. Then it happens...she returns. And so it begins, all over again. The emotions can overtake me sometimes.

It has now been a year since my first mom came back into my life after our first reunion...I refer to it as our "re"reunion. Things have been pretty good with us, however, this re-reunion anniversary also marks the tragic death of her mom, her best friend. As you can imagine, that has been very difficult for her. It has also made things much more difficult for us. I always felt that our re-reunion was her way of filling the void that the loss of her mother placed in her heart. In a way, I'm waiting for her to realize that I am not her replacement.

I have to admit that my relationship with her scares me. No matter what I tell myself, there's always that little bit of fear that my last conversation I have with her will be THE last. When she's in my life, I typically take whatever she is willing to give me just because she's there. I'm afraid of losing her. If it were anyone else, I could let it go. I would want to let it go. But with her, it's so difficult. I love her. I just hate that it has to be so hard.

This crazy life

In my everyday life, it is fairly easy to go through the motions of the day. Regardless of the personal issues that may be welling up inside me, I am pretty good at masking things just to "get by". I like to stay busy...ALL.THE.TIME. Rarely does a day go by that I do not have something to do. Planned or not, I keep my days (and nights) busy.

I used to just think that I am a busy person. I like to have LOTS to do. That may be true in part, but my friends (and then reiterated by my counselor) helped me to see otherwise. It's really not so much that I stay busy because I LIKE it, it's more because it keeps me from thinking. It's become a way for me to cope. I mean, REALLY...who likes to ponder about their life's struggles? Obviously, not me. It's funny...the things we do to make it through.

I had a conversation with my nmom the other day that kind of spurred my thoughts. We were talking about Christmas and our plans which led to her inviting me to come spend some of Christmas Eve with her dad, sister, nieces/nephews, etc. and then that led us into a conversation about us...me...where/how I fit into the family. When it's just her and I, it's relatively easy. However, those times that I'm hit with the realization that there is a whole family out there that I am related to, but do not know, that's when it's a little harder.

I want to fit in and be a part of the family, but it's really REALLY hard for me right now. I still have a lot of reservations about who I am and my place in the family, especially with the second rejection. It's hard to put myself out there for fear that I may be hurt again. I wish it wasn't so complicating and emotion-filled, but it is what it is. I'm learning to deal.

So, how do you all balance the holidays with your family/friends, first mom, and adoptive family? It is beyond overwhelming to me. For this year, I know that I will not be joining my natural family on Christmas Eve. I am not emotionally ready for it and do not know if/when I'll ever be. I'm sure time will give me plenty of opportunities to think and hopefully provide some clarity. It usually does.

A brand new end

I am not a huge John Mayer fan, but I am a huge fan of music. No matter the mood, be it happy, sad, mad or glad, I can find a song that fits. With that said, I have loved the lyrics to his song, "Say". It has been one of the many anthems in my "re"reunion. One of my favorite verses from the song is, "Have no fear for giving in. Have no fear for giving over. You better know that in the end, it's better to say too much than never to say what you need to say again." I have always had a problem expressing my feelings to others. I grew up in a home that didn't really allow for that, so I don't know if it's a learned behavior or if it's just my personality. My guess is a little of both. Whatever the cause, it is a huge struggle of mine.

After the funeral, I more or less was prepared for my birth mom to slowly drift back out of my life. However, that did not happen. It was actually the complete opposite. She would call me about every other night. We would talk for quite a while, sometimes a couple of hours or more, about anything and everything. We talked about us a lot. She was a lot more forthcoming about her emotions. She talked repeatedly about feeling so guilty for giving me up, but she never really addressed the years of silence. Judging by some of the things she said in our conversations, I could piece together different reasons, but I really needed to hear from her what happened. I didn't want to guess, I wanted to know. Every conversation we had, I wondered if it was the last one for a while. I was tired of living with that fear that she was going to walk out of my life again.

As much as I wanted to just come out and ask her, I was afraid of how she would respond. Would it make her mad? Would she tell me I was being selfish just thinking of myself after her mom just died tragically? Would she hang up on me and never call again? Regardless of my fears, I had to know. I didn't want another conversation to go by without finding out what happened. I didn't want to make the same mistakes again. So, I finally got the nerves to say what I needed to say. Finally.

When I asked her what happened she took a deep breath, followed by another one, and then there was a long pause on the phone. I asked her if she was OK, and she said yes. I could tell she was crying. I quietly started crying as she explained. It basically was all the things I had assumed. Her husband did not know about me and when she told him, he was very upset. Not so much about me, but the fact that my biological father was who he was...a black man. (I guess some things never change.) He gave her a very hard time about that. She also said that she had an overwhelming amount of guilt and sadness about not being there for me. That she gave me away and let total strangers raise me. The fact that she missed it all. She said it was, and still is, very overwhelming.

So, I asked her if all of that was the cause, how was I to believe that things would be better this time around? The feelings were still there, why did she think she could "handle it" now? Again, long pause, deep breaths, lots of tears, followed with another explanation. She told me that she knew she was wrong. She was so disappointed in herself for how she handled our relationship and even during the time she was not talking to me, she thought about me every single day. She said my entire life, a day never went by where she did not think about me several times. She said that losing her mom was a huge wake-up call for her because it happened so quickly and without warning. She did not want something to happen to me and for me to not know how much I meant to her and how much she loved me and always has.

My birth mom and I are alike in so many ways it is often freaky. I don't know how many times I have wondered how you can be so much like a person you spent the majority of your informative years away from. Our similarities are good and bad. One of the bad ones is our lack to truly express how we're feeling. This time around, we have talked about this particular flaw and have vowed to share our feelings with each other and not hold anything back. So far, it has gone very well. I love sharing my life with her. I think we both have our moments where we think about what could have been. Those times are sad, but I'm trying my hardest to move beyond the past. I think my birth mom said it best. She said that no one can go back and make a brand new start, but anyone can start from now and make a brand new end. I'm really counting on it.

Now or Never

I was heavy with sadness. I was so torn as to what I should do. I was angry that it was a decision that I had to even contemplate. What child should have to make a decision as to whether or not it was appropriate to attend their grandmother's funeral? It was, however, my reality and I had a choice to make.

I thought about my relationship with my birth mom. It had been nonexistent for the past four years. But if this accident had truly caused her to change and she really wanted a relationship with me, would I later regret not being there? I beat myself over this for the five days until the funeral.

I felt like I had no one to turn to. I wasn't seeing a therapist at that time and I did not have much support from my husband and friends. I did not blame them at all. I would have been the same way if the tables were turned. I totally understood why. They dealt with my tears, anger and frustration in relation to how she had treated me. They only knew that she had hurt me. They thought I needed to forget about her and move on with my life. If only it was that easy.

I had been talking to my birth mom throughout the week since the accident and before the funeral and had caught up somewhat on what was going on in our lives since she stopped communicating with me. I decided that I would just talk to her about the funeral and why I was not comfortable going. Each time we talked I had the words on the tip of my tongue, but I could not bring myself to do it. It seemed so insensitive on my part. She was grieving her mom's death and, at the time, did not know what her dad's outcome was going to be. She was planning a funeral with her sisters, her dad was in a coma in a hospital in another state unable to even attend his wife's funeral, she had a recurrence of cancer, and she was separated from her husband. I felt like I was just being a baby and I needed to get over myself. This was about her...not me.

However, that was my problem and continues to be to this day. I am always excusing the behavior and actions of others because I feel like I'm being selfish if I mention how I feel. I so often get caught up in what is going on in other's lives that I do not take care of myself. Why would anyone treat me with respect if they know I'll take whatever crap they give me, forgive easily, then move on like nothing ever happened?

Despite my feelings, I still had to decide what to do. I only had a day left to do it. Should I stay or should I go? Did I mention I am a terrible decision maker? I wish I had the support of my adoptee friends I have now at that time. I know it would have helped.

No one ever said it would be easy

When she called the next night, we talked for quite some time. She shared more details about the accident, how her dad was doing, and some of the drama surrounding extended family as well as the plans they had for the funeral. I just listened and tried my hardest to wrap my head around everything that was going on. Why does life have to be like this? Why does everything have to be so complicated? WHY DID I HAVE TO BE ADOPTED?! I found myself in probably the worst dilemma I had ever faced.

On one hand, I had been trying to reach out to my birth mom for years. I wanted her in my life so bad I could hardly stand it. I called, I wrote, called again, wrote again, called, called, called, wrote, wrote, wrote for FOUR YEARS with no response. I cried buckets of tears over the whole situation and put my family and friends through hell and back all because I wanted her in my life. I had FINALLY got to a point where I was nearing acceptance. I had to. I heard how she felt about me. Even though I didn't believe it, she still said those words. She treated me like crap with no regard to my feelings whatsoever. And now, her mother is gone, she's grieving, she's hurting beyond words...and now she's back, and she wants me in her life.

Not only does she want me in her life, but she wants me to be at the funeral. Not just the funeral, she wants me to attend the "family viewing" and stay for the meal afterwards. Seriously? She had not talked to me in four years. At that point, I still did not know if her son knew that I even existed. I guess I should mention that she also shared with me that my name and my children's names were not included in the obituary because it would possibly complicate things for her dad when he got better. OK... BUT I am supposed to attend the family viewing, family dinner, and funeral? SERIOUSLY?!

I was back at square one. I did not feel at all a part of my biological family. I was denied that at birth, and then again 28 years later. My emotions and thoughts were all over the place. Since my birth mom was grieving, I felt it was not the time or place to share why I was not at all comfortable attending. I wanted to so bad. I wanted to know what had happened the four years she ignored me. I wanted to tell her that if she wanted me to be a part of the family she needed to treat me like I was. If she didn't want my name listed as part of the family that was fine, but please do not expect me to come sit with the family and pretend as if I belonged there. I had pretended to feel like I belonged somewhere my whole life. I was tired of lies, deception and feeling inadequate. I wanted to belong, and this was definitely not it.

So, back to my dilemma. I love her. A lot. I wanted to be there for her. She had hurt me, but I knew she was hurting. I didn't want to leave her hanging like she did me. But, as much as her words said she wanted me there, her actions were not showing that. She was still denying me from being a part of the family. I could be there in body, but my name would not be included in anything.

Now, I realize that it can take a traumatic event to make you wake up and realize that life is too short to live with regrets. But how did I know if this was real? How did I know that she was so distraught she was just reaching out to find something to make her feel better. Anything...even if it was her rejected daughter. I loved her, but I did not know if I trusted her.

I had a major decision to make and I am probably one of the worst decision makers EVER. If it involves solely myself, it's not quite as difficult for me to decide what to do. However, if others thoughts and/or feelings are affected by the decision I have to make, in my head it becomes virtually impossible. It does not matter how big or small it is...what movie to watch or whether or not to attend a funeral can be incredibly tough decisions for me. I worry too much about letting others down. It is a definite character flaw that I have abhorred my entire life. I was at a loss. I was afraid if I didn't go, I may regret it later. But I was also afraid that if I did go, everyone would wonder who I was and why was I there? I did not want to feel rejected and out of place. Not again...I didn't know if I could take it.

I was back on the roller coaster. I couldn't think. I wanted so desperately to find a way out of the situation. Unfortunately, there was not one.

The Accident

My daughter had a basketball game the day I received my birth mom's message. It was in a different town, so I knew I would be on the road for a while that afternoon. As I was getting the kids ready to head out the door, I kept playing her message over and over in my mind. I was very curious why she was calling. She sounded alright, maybe a little distracted, but I figured something big had to of happened for her to think she needed to break her silence and call. I decided that I should call her before I left and see if she even would answer. For all I knew I maybe missed my chance to talk to her. So, I took a deep breath and called her back.

She answered right away. She sounded different. I didn't know if it was because it had been a while or if it was the situation, but something was different about her. She told me she didn't have a long time to talk, but needed to let me know that there had been an accident at her parents' house. She preceded to tell me the specifics....
In a recent ice storm all of the power in the area where her parents lived was lost. They had a propane heater that had malfunctioned, therefore leading to an explosion that burned their house to the ground. Both of her parents were there when it happened. Her dad was severely burned,flown out of state for care and her mom had passed away in the blast.

I was absolutely speechless. Literally, I did not have any words. There was just a long silence. My heart was broken for her for so many different reasons. The accident was horrific. Losing someone you love is hard, but such tragic circumstances seemed to make it that much worse. I also knew that she and her mom were very, very close. Her mom was her best friend. She talked to her about everything. I knew she was devastated.

It took me a minute to finally choke up the words, "I'm so sorry." That was all that I could say. She was crying, but very calm. I could hear a lot of talking in the background. She told me that she was at her parents' house with her sisters trying to find a fireproof safe with documents in it so she needed to go, but would call me when she got home later that evening. She told me she loved me and then hung up.

I was still in a state of shock. I could not believe what had happened. The accident, the phone call, her voice, her telling me that she loved me. I was so confused and so sad. I cried for her, for her family, for myself. After a moment, I got myself back together and headed out the door to my daughter's game.

For the rest of the day, I could not stop thinking about the conversation. Had it really happened? Was her mom, my grandma, really gone? Why did she call me? Why did she think I needed to know? Was she even going to call me back like she said?

For obvious reasons, I was not expecting a call that night. Given the fact that she had not returned one of my calls in years, coupled with the turmoil she was going through, it was a logical conclusion. And I was right. She didn't call. She sent me a text: "I am so sorry for not calling tonight like I promised I would. I got in later than I thought. I will call you tomorrow." And she did.

And the story continues to unfold....

Fast forward to a month after sending the letter to my birthmom. It is now the end of January of 2010. For the first time in the nearly 4 years since being out of contact with my birth mom, I felt that I was at a better place. I had finally reached a point where I realized that my life would not include my biological mother. Did I still think about her? Of course. Was I still disappointed things were not different? Definitely. I still felt the loss, but the sting was finally starting to numb. I had a family of my own that needed me to be the best I could be. So, I was doing just that...trying to be my best.

That all changed one Saturday, when I received a call from my birth mom. When I saw it was her, I immediately shut down. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to answer the phone, but a huge part of me was saying -- 'NOOOOOOO!!!". "What in the world could she want?" "She hasn't called you in 4 years!" "You are FINALLY beginning to cope without her." -- Needless to say, I didn't answer it, but she left a message. I waited a couple of hours to listen to it. I'm not sure why I waited so long. I guess I was trying to prepare myself, but I have no idea what for. When I finally listened to it, this is what she said:

Hi. It's me. I was just calling to tell you that there has been
an accident at mom and dad's and I felt like I needed to tell
you about it. Please call me as soon as you can. I'll talk to
you later. Bye.

So...what do you think happens next? I asked myself a hundred questions after listening to her message several times. I will post the details within the next couple of days. Wondering when the drama will end? Me too! ::Sigh::

Moving on

What could I do other than move on with my life? She had not been a part of my life for a few years, and the chance phone conversation we had obviously gave me quite a bit to think about.

I played the conversation over and over in my head. The more I thought about it, the less I understood why she said all of the things that she said about me to her friend. It was like she was talking about a completely different relationship...not ours. The things she said were not even true. We talked on the phone often, but at random times throughout the day...not way late so I was keeping her up. She usually came to visit me instead of the other way around because of her family at home. She always told me it was easier that way. I am not sure what she meant about not telling my family about her. It was difficult, but I told them about her before I ever started my contact with her.

I was beyond confused, but had no choice other than to move on. I had wanted to know what happened, why she stopped all contact with me...I got my answer. Not at all what I wanted to hear, but it was an answer.

I am pretty good at hiding my feelings. I had years of practice, so it really didn't take much effort to muster up a smile and act like everything was OK. Any spare time that I had, I filled it with other tasks to keep my mind busy. The key was to stay as busy as possible so I didn't have time to think. If I didn't have time to think, I didn't have time to feel. That was the plan, at least. However, this was different. It was much more difficult than I thought.

The fact that I was rejected by my birth mom for the second time hurt me to the core. No matter how hard I tried to bottle it up and stuff it as deep as I could, the reality was still there. Every time I looked at one of my own kids, I wondered "how could a mother reject her own child?". I understood the adoption part of it...she was young, she thought she was doing the right thing by me. I got that. I had accepted that. But to be given a second chance, just to reject me again was like a slap in the face. I started questioning myself and wondering what was wrong with me. Why didn't she want me? What made me so unlovable?

A couple months had passed and still no word. You would think, by now, I would not be holding on to the hope that she would call or write. She had proven to me that she was not interested. She had completely bashed me and our relationship to a new friend of hers, but there I was...still waiting, wondering if today was going to be the day.

After talking to my bf's one day, I finally got the push that I needed. I was forced into reality and realized that I had 3 babies of my own that needed me. I had been so depressed and so hurt by everything that had happened, that I was not the mother that my own children deserved. It was time for a change. As much as it hurt, as hard as it was, I HAD to let her go. So, I sat down and wrote her a letter.

I can't remember everything that I wrote about. I told her that it would be the last letter or form of contact that she received from me. I took the comments that she had made in her letter into consideration as I wrote it, mentioning several false accusations she had mentioned. It wasn't an angry letter, but it was very honest and straight forward. I mentioned feeling hurt about the things that I heard her say. I told her that if she would have voiced her thoughts and feelings to me, we maybe wouldn't have got to the point we were at. I told her that I was hurt, but needed closure to the situation so I was basically saying good-bye. I told her from that point forward, the ball was in her court. I had tried and tried to force a relationship that she obviously resented and I was done. I wanted her in my life, but I didn't have anything left. I fought for four years, and received nothing...not one letter, one phone call, absolutely nothing.

It was around Christmas when I wrote the letter and for some reason I felt compelled to include our photo Christmas card. She had not seen my 3 year old and 9 month old before. I had withheld sending pictures with any letters I wrote her while we weren't talking. It was really just my way of controlling the situation as much as I could. Crazy, but true. In order to truly move on, I felt like I needed to let go of my anger towards her and the situation as much as possible. I guess the pictures were a peace offering of sorts.

I read the letter twenty times, at least, before I finally sealed the envelope and dropped it in the mail. As I dropped it in the mailbox, I did feel a small glimmer of hope as I walked away. I hoped that maybe she would find it in her to want to call me. Maybe something I said in the letter would move her just enough to want to reconcile our relationship.

Hope was the only thing that kept me going. Others may think of it as a weakness...pathetic, ridiculous, naive..whatever you want to call it. However, for me, hope was the one thing that no one could take from me. When I found myself in the darkest moments of my life, all I could do was hope for a sunnier tomorrow. So that is what I did.

Be careful what you wish for...

'cause you just might get it. You know how I said "If I only had some closure, it would make it easier to move on?". That's what I wished for...and I definitely got it.

After I heard my birthmom say that she had a secret, I was drawn into the conversation. I wanted to hang up, but I couldn't. What I was hearing was tearing me apart, but I still would not hang up. I continued to stay on the phone and listen to her describe our relationship to her friend.

She first explained her secret. She had placed a baby for adoption when she was 17 years old. She had wondered my whole life how I was and where I was. She explained that she had 'found' me when I was 24 and was good with that. That is all she wanted. She didn't want a relationship with me, she just wanted to make sure I was ok. Once she found out I was ok, she was ready to move on. However, I made that difficult for her. I would call her all the time and keep her on the phone really late. She said that was really hard on her because she had to get up and go to work early, and I didn't understand that. She talked about how she would come see me often and I didn't return the 'favor' near as much. She talked about how I wanted her family to know all about me, but I didn't want my family (meaning my adoptive parents) to know about her. She also said that I only wanted it to be her and me, no one else, and that was hard because she had a child at home still to take care of. She said I blamed her for all of my abandonment issues and I made her feel so guilty. She also mentioned how it totally pissed her off that I didn't tell her when I had my son and how she found out that I had him. One thing that sticks out the most is when she said that if she knew it was me, she would not have answered. Ouch. I couldn't stand to hear anymore, so I hung up the phone.

There was more than that said and it was all explained in much more detail. It still breaks my heart to think about it. As I listened, I couldn't believe she was saying all those things. We had some issues, no doubt. There was a huge adjustment period after the honeymoon phase was over, but I NEVER, EVER, EVER thought that I was that much of a burden on her. I could literally feel a physical pain in my chest as I listened to how big of an inconvenience I was to her.

After I hung up, I sat in my husband's recliner. I felt completely numb. I felt like crying, but I was still processing everything I heard. Was that really true? Is that really how she felt about me? In the four years that we were in contact, I never felt that she couldn't stand me. It was a very, very low moment, but even lost in the trenches of that moment I had a little hope that she would call me the next day like she said she would.

I continued to sit there, trying to process everything that she said. I was devising a plan. When she called the next day, I was going to talk to her about what I overheard and explain why I was the way that I was. I was going to tell her the truth about my afamily and the abuse and loneliness that I had experienced growing up. I was going to tell her that I didn't have the fairytale life growing up and I had always longed for her. I would explain that once I had her in my life I tried maybe a little too hard for fear that I would lose her. I had it all figured out. Now that I knew why she had turned her back on me, I was going to talk to her and win her back. I now knew what I needed to do and not do to have the relationship with her that I desired.

I waited the next day for her phone call. I waited, and waited, and waited...as you probably imagined, she did not call back. BUT, I still had hope. I figured maybe she got in later then she planned, so she would call back the next day. I waited again, and again, day after day, OH MY WORD!!!! I am beyond pathetic! I wanted closure, and Lord knows, I had it. I had all the information I needed to know that she did not want me. It hurt, but I needed to move on. I didn't need that in my life. I had my own babies to focus my time and attention on. Let her go!

But, the truth is, I honestly (and still to this day) did not believe she meant any of the horrible things that she said. There is no way. I refused to believe it, because I knew her. I knew how she hurt. I knew how she tried to get me back shortly after I was born and already placed with my adoptive family. I knew how she searched for me. She found me, not the other way around. I had listened to her tell me, on a number of occasions, how much her decision to give me up changed her life and she wished more than anything that she could go back and do it differently. I KNEW that she cared and I KNEW that she loved me. There was no way that she had been lying to me before. I didn't know what was going on with her, but I knew that those things she said were not coming from her. So, I clung to the past and I focused on only the good things that she had said about me and our relationship. Call it naive, but I would not accept what I heard as truth. I continued to hold on to that hope that she would come back to me.

So, back to "be careful what you wish for.."...Was I really looking for closure? No, I was not. I was looking for my mom and I was not going to give up until I found her.

Gone

Had I of known that our last conversation was indeed that, our last conversation, I maybe would have chosen my words a little more carefully. I maybe would have asked for her forgiveness for being so stubborn and not understanding her side of things. I would have given just about anything to have that moment back, but it was too late. The moment had come, and she was gone.

A couple of weeks had gone by and we had not talked. Anymore, that was not unusual to go a while without talking. So, I decided to call her. I wanted to make amends. I missed her and wanted her in my life. I was tired of playing games and being stubborn. I decided to take that first step towards reconciliation and call. So, I called and since there wasn't an answer I left a message. A few days went by, no answer, left another message, no response. I called again, no answer, left a sobbing message, waited a few more days, still no response. Called again, and again, and again....left message after message after message...no response. It had now been close to two months and I had not heard from her at all. I was worried. Worried about her safety, worried that this was the end of us. Just worried.

I then decided to write a letter. I do not know exactly what it said, as I sent several letters after that one. Some were sad and desperate sounding, I'm sure. Some were probably angry, full of questions and blame. She did not return any of my letters either. What was going on with her? We had been in our share of disagreements, but she always called me back or wrote eventually. It may be a few eeeks in between, but I always heard from her eventually. It was nearing my birthday, about 6 months since I had last talked to her. That was going to be my test. Ever since we were reunited, she had NEVER missed calling me and sending a card in the mail on my birthday. I was anxiously awaiting this birthday, for sure. Well, my birthday came...and left...nothing. No phone call, no card, absolutely nothing. I was worried.

I called her mom to make sure she was ok. I was starting to get really angry and I knew if something had happened to her and I wasn't told, I would never forgive myslef for being angry at her. Her mom said she was fine, she just had a lot of 'thinking' to do. I didn't ask what that meant, but figured it wasn't a good thing. I told her that I had wrote letters, made many phone calls, left a number of messages, all with no response. She assured me she would tell her I called and she would call me back soon. Again, weeks went by without a response. Now, I was angry! WHY IS SHE ABANDONING ME AGAIN!! I just wanted to yell, scream, shout, hit something...anything,I was hurt!

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I tried to call or write her. Each phone call, message and letter were BEGGING her to call me or write me. Tell me how horrible I am, tell me that you don;t want anything to do with me. Just tell me something...anything! Nothing, for me, was worse then being ignored. Anything she could have said at that moment could not have hurt worse then I was already feeling. Alone, betrayed, lost...I was absolutely pathetic.

I started to get really irritated at myself for being so ridiculous. Why could I not just get a clue? Move on? You lived 24 years without her, why do you think you need her now? She didn't want me. She was gone. Literally, in a flash, she was completely gone from my life. Even in my anger, I mourned the loss of my birth mom. I never knew how wonderful life could be with her in it until she was there. I never knew that a piece of me was missing and how I had always longed for her until she was there. Now that she was gone, I felt it. I really cannot describe the intense feelings that I had. I cried so many tears over her. I missed her so much, and now she was gone. Now what? Where in the world do I go from here?

Rejection

As time wore on, reality started setting in. The honeymoon was way over. Don't get me wrong, we still enjoyed any time that was spent together and talked almost everyday. It's just all the little things that I had been sweeping under the rug and excusing her from, started to get to me. We had been talking for several months and she still had not told her son about me. By this time, I had even seen him and met him on a couple different occasions and she introduced me as her friend. I was crushed. I thought I was more than a friend to her. I was her daughter. I wanted her to acknowledge that and treat me as such. Was that too much to ask?

I became a lot more verbal about my feelings towards her. I loved her, and I definitely told her that, but I also shared things with her that really bothered me. I asked her why she had not told her son. She explained again that she didn't know how he would handle it. He was 14 at the time, and she thought that was a difficult age to understand something like that. She went on and on giving me excuse after excuse. I told her that it bothered me because it made me feel like she was ashamed of me or I wasn't important to her. I began to feel that all the things she had been telling me for months about loving me and wanting me, etc were not true, but only what I wanted to hear.

She was taking a trip to see one of her best friends and was taking her son with her. She had told me that since it was a several hour drive, she would talk to him about me while they were on the road. Sounded like the perfect plan to me. I was nervous for her and wondered the whole time she was gone if it had happened yet, when it happened, how did he react, what was said, etc. When I talked to her after the trip, I was waiting for her to share with me what went on when she told him. She didn't bring it up, so I finally did. She told me that she didn't talk to him about me. It didn't 'come up' so she felt like it wasn't the right time. She shared that she felt like I was pushing her/pressuring her to do something she wasn't comfortable with. It was not a real positive conversation. I was so upset and frustrated with her.

I began to feel that this was more then I could handle. I wanted so bad to have her in my life. I would do just about anything for her acknowledgement. I was in such an emotional rut that I was having a very hard time getting myself out of it. My other relationships were starting to be affected. I knew I needed help. I needed a professional!This was the first time I had been to see a therapist. To admit that I had a problem was very difficult for me, but I knew I couldn't do this on my own.

My therapist was very helpful. After going to him for several sessions, I felt like a different person. I was HEALED!!, or so I thought. It was, more or less, a temporary fix. The roller coaster ride that I talk about so frequently on this journey had finally reached the top of another peak. What I didn't realize was that it was about to go plummeting down the other side and crash at the bottom. My world was about to be turned inside out.

The Meeting

We continued talking on the phone and writing letters for about 8 months. During that time, conversation was very easy. We could talk about anything...serious or the mundane. I loved that about her. We had talked about meeting on several different occasions. I wanted to, but I was also scared. I was scared that we would be moving, yet again, to that next level. I loved her and wanted her in my life, but I also was unsure of what the future would hold for us from that point on.

After our initial phone conversation, the next pivotal moment for me was receiving the first letter from her and pictures. I had always had my thoughts on what she looked like, and of course reality was not what I had imagined. I don't mean that in a bad way either. I thought she was beautiful. I absolutely LOVED having pictures of my biological family. Her friend had copied some pictures of my biological father that she found in a yearbook. Those were nice to have too. I don't know why, but I had always been more curious about my birth mom. I mean, it's nice and all to know about your dad and what he looked like and such, but my birth mom was who I really was curious about.

I stared at the pictures over and over again. Pieces of the puzzle were slowly put together as I looked at them. I had wondered my whole life where my dimples came from. Not one person in my adoptive family had dimples. When I saw her picture, that was the first thing I noticed...I got my dimples from her! I CRIED big time as I looked at the pictures and especially when I read her letter.

We continued to stay in touch. I talked to her on the phone about once a week for the first month. After that it progressed to about a couple of times a week, and at times about every other night. Sometimes I would talk to her each day for several days in a row. It was like an addiction of sorts -- weird sounding, I know, but that's the only way I can think to describe it. I WANTED to talk to her all the time. There was so much that we had to catch up on. I craved her attention and affection. The more we talked, the more I wanted to know her and have her in my life. I knew it was time and I was ready to meet face to face.

We had talked often about when/where we were going to meet. Neither of us wanted it to be a big, all family thing. We thought it would be best if it was just her and I for that first time. Her son still did not know about me. She told me all the time that she wanted to tell him, but was waiting for the right time. I kept telling her I understood and, at the time, I thought I did. As long as she reassured me she loved me and had always loved me, I was pacified enough to take whatever she was willing to give me. We finally decided on a date.

I will never forget that day (I find myself saying that a lot when talking about this). My friends had my daughter for the day. My husband, a coach, had a basketball game that evening so he was out for the day. I was alone. I was ready for a couple of hours before she got there. I wanted everything to be perfect. I examined my outfit several times. I STILL remember to this day what I was wearing. I was so worried about what she would think of me. Would she think that I was pretty? Would she like me? Probably the usual questions when meeting someone for the first time. However, when you're meeting your mom face to face for the first time at the age of 25...the emotions are crazy! I wanted SO bad to be accepted by her and have her approval. I was so nervous.

As I was waiting for her to get to my house, reality was setting in. I wondered what it was going to be like to actually see her. By now, her voice was very familiar and comforting to me. After all, we had talked to each other hundreds of times over the phone. I wondered if talking in person would be any different or less comfortable. I wondered if it was going to be one of those emotional, made for TV kind of reunions. I had lots of thoughts. That day, that time before she arrived is still so vivid. I remember looking out the window 500 times. I remember fixing the wreath on the door and sweeping off the stray leaves that had made their way onto the front porch again. I even walked out to the driveway and looked at my house, trying to get a 'picture' in my mind of what she would see when she drove up. Tired of pacing, I finally just sat on the couch and thought about how life could have been so different.

I finally heard her pull into my driveway. Peeking out the window, my eyes filled with tears as I saw her step out of her car and look around. There she was...my birth mom. My very own flesh and blood. Again, there are no words to fully describe the emotions of that moment. I quickly got myself together and opened the door to greet her. As she stepped through the doorway and embraced me, it was the best feeling. I am a very 'huggy' kind of person anyway, but I literally could feel how much she loved me in that one hug. I can't adequately describe the moment, but I can still feel it today.

There were not too many tears. Some teary moments, but nothing uncontrollable. She brought some photo albums of herself growing up and her family. I really enjoyed looking at them and hearing about and seeing everyone. We ate lunch together and discovered our favorite entree was the same. We discovered that we both had the same habit of pulling on the bottom of our shirt when we're talking or nervous. Silly things, but those silly little similarities meant a lot to me. We went and picked up my daughter from my friends' house. She was so great with her. We went and got ice cream and then went to my husband's game. I was so glad she got to meet the people in my life that meant the most to me. It was one of the best days of my life. I didn't want the day to end.

After she got home that night, she called me to tell me how wonderful the day was for her. She told me that she thought I was beautiful and I was a great wife and mom. She talked for a couple of hours. We both cried. I mainly listened as she shared her regrets with me and played her own 'what if' game. She said she wondered if she could have done it, if she could have just kept me. What would have happened to us? Would I have been as well adjusted. I felt for her. I think, more than anything, she was regretting the fact that she missed 25 years of my life. I understood probably more than she thought I did. I understood because I missed that with her too.

The Phone Call

The fact that I was only a phone call away from talking to my birth mom for the very first time was beginning to drive me nuts. I was so scared to make the call. For weeks the biggest thought on my mind was "What in the world do I say? How do I start the conversation? Who do I tell her I am?" I also knew once I called her, there was no turning around. The fantasy of my birth mom would no longer exist. Instead, there would be a new reality.

I was hanging out with my two very best friends. They are my family. We are very close and they are always so supportive of me. Anyway, we were talking about the 'phone call' for the millionth time. They knew I wanted to, but they also knew I was scared. After much talk, coaxing, and even bribing (I know, how pathetic am I?), I went into the bedroom and made the phone call that would forever change me.

She answered after a couple of rings. I was taken aback just upon hearing her voice. How I knew it was her, I don't know. It could have been anyone -- a daughter, mother, sister -- but I just knew. I stumbled around at the beginning, pausing for a few seconds after each sentence waiting for her to say something. I guess I was expecting an "OMG!!" kind of thing, but she was very quiet. I could tell she was emotional, but holding it together. She said she had been waiting for me to call for a few weeks. The social worker had told her I had her number and would be calling. I felt guilty that I had kept her waiting.[I have to add this side note...As my story unfolds on this blog, I am driving myself nuts at how many times I say I feel guilty about something. Is it just as annoying to read?!]

Anyway...we talked for about 20 minutes. She wanted to know how I was and if I was happy. It felt good to know that she cared. The social worker had told her I was a teacher and that I was married and had a baby. She asked about my adoptive parents and family. I, of course, told her how wonderful everyone was and I had a great life. After all, isn't that how it was supposed to be? She told me that she had a son. He was 10 years younger than me. He did not know about me. For some reason, I wasn't surprised by that and at the time it didn't bother me. She was married and had two step children as well. We talked about my biological father. She still saw him from time to time. He was married and had three boys. For some reason, I always had in my fairy tale that they ended up married and lived happily ever after. However, if that had truly happened, I am sure I would have been totally pissed that I was not a part of that family. Needless to say, it was probably best that my fairy tale had not played out.

Her voice was so calm and quiet the whole time I talked to her. Towards the end of the conversation, I gave her my phone number and address. I told her I would send her pictures of me. She said she would do the same. It was so surreal. I will never forget how I felt. I can't tell you every word of the conversation, but I remember feeling like I was dreaming...just waiting to jolt up from bed realizing it was all just a really great dream. I NEVER, EVER, EVER, imagined that this would be happening to me. I held it together very well while I was talking to her. I remember taking several deep breaths, but made it through the conversation just fine. However, when I hung up the phone I just lost it. I was releasing all the anxiety that had been building over the weeks prior. It all hit me at once...she had found me. We had found each other. What now?