I know I've been M.I.A. for a while. I've been trying to figure out where I am in all this. I've been doing a good job masking things for a while and I'm afraid to open up and let the flood gates in. You know, blogging kind of has a way of doing that! I was going through and reading past entries and came across the "Ask Me Anything" post. I realized I never finished answering questions so I thought I would finish that up, so....
If you could change anything that you have done with regard to reunion, what would it be and why?
I wish I would have talked to a counselor from the very beginning of our reunion. I went into it completely blindsighted...we both did. I don't think anything can prepare you for the reunion rollercoaster, but I do know once I started talking to a counselor (4 years into my reunion), it helped tremendously!
Do you mind being called an "Adoptee"? Have you ever had any thoughts about it?
I've never thought about this one before. I guess I would have to answer with a yes and no. No, I do not mind being called an adoptee because that is, in fact, what I am. However, I do mind at times being called an adoptee because, in the adoption triad, you have the least amount of say about anything pertaining to you. It is beyond frustrating in that regard. But for the most part, an adoptee is what I am, so I have to be ok with it.
When it comes to talking about adoption with your birthmom...did she initiate the talking about the deep stuff or you?
In our first reunion, it was always me that initiated everything.
If you did, would you have preferred that she did instead? YES!! I totally wished she would have some. It made me feel like I was always "bugging" her or dredging up the past that she, clearly, wasn't overly willing to talk about.
What did you want to know most from her?
I mostly wanted to know why she gave me up and if she regretted it. I really wanted to know if she truly loved me and cared about me or if I was just a distant memory once she gave me away.
Is/was there monetary differences / social class differences between your first family and second family? YES, on both accounts.
What if any affect did that have on your comfort level? Was it awkward or important? Does it matter to me that we have some social and monetary differences? Absolutely not. Once I dove into this whole reunion with my mom, all I ever wanted was to be loved by her. I do not care about receiving fancy, expensive gifts or if she drives a nice car or lives in a huge house. None of that matters to me. I love her a lot and I just want to be loved by her.
The above question reinforces one of my biggest frustrations about adoption. In so many instances mom's feel they need to give their child up so they can have a better life...earthly treasures, more or less. Children do not care about those things. If they know they are loved and feel loved, none of the other stuff matters. In my opinion, your time and attention means more than any monetary thing you can buy. All I ever wanted was her love. Nothing else mattered. Honestly and truly. Sometimes, being an adult adoptee leaves you feeling like a grown child...trying to claw your way back into a family that discarded you. Not a fun feeling! That's a whole 'nother issue though! I guess I'll have to save that one for another post!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
If she had only been stronger...
Would I be more confident in myself? Would I have a better understanding of who I really was? Would I still worry that the people I love in my life were going to leave me? Would I still bend over backwards to please people that hurt me the most? Would I be the same me?
No one knows. No one will ever know. Because she wasn't.
She said that she wonders what would have happened had she only been stronger. She said that she could not watch me be raised by my father's family. She said that she did what she thought was best for me. She said that she has been haunted by her choice her entire life. She said that she wishes she had been stronger.
But she wasn't.
Sometimes I wonder, too. If she had only been stronger, who would I be today? But then I realize, it doesn't matter. The past is the past. That cannot be erased. I am me. I am OK with that. I have to be.
We all have issues in our life that leave us to wonder, given a different situation, if your life would have turned out better. You can't dwell on it. It will only eat you alive. You have to move on. However, a small part of you will always wonder. I will always wonder. If she had only been stronger....
No one knows. No one will ever know. Because she wasn't.
She said that she wonders what would have happened had she only been stronger. She said that she could not watch me be raised by my father's family. She said that she did what she thought was best for me. She said that she has been haunted by her choice her entire life. She said that she wishes she had been stronger.
But she wasn't.
Sometimes I wonder, too. If she had only been stronger, who would I be today? But then I realize, it doesn't matter. The past is the past. That cannot be erased. I am me. I am OK with that. I have to be.
We all have issues in our life that leave us to wonder, given a different situation, if your life would have turned out better. You can't dwell on it. It will only eat you alive. You have to move on. However, a small part of you will always wonder. I will always wonder. If she had only been stronger....
Friday, February 4, 2011
Random Reunion Thoughts
10 years ago, I never, ever would have admitted that I wanted to know my first mom. If somone asked, I would always quickly reply with, "OH, no!! Of course not! I could never do that to my parents. They were the ones that raised me. That just wouldn't be fair to them." And, I actually thought I meant it.
Well, fast forward to THE day..translated into THE day I found out that she was looking for me, THE day my world turned upside down...and that is all I could think about. She wanted me. She was looking for me. Then I have all this anger directed toward my ap's that I never knew exisited. It literally came out of nowhere. I was so angry at them for making me feel guilty for wanting a relationship with her. I was so hurt that they didn't at least attempt to be supportive and try to understand. I didn't care if it was genuine...just fake it...just pretend to be happy for me so I knew that what I was persuing was ok.
I loved many things about my reunion. Of course the emotions and figuring out 'stuff' was hard, but I LOVED getting to know my mom, and about the family, meeting people I was related to and finding out where I came from. I loved it, until she went away. Just like that, she was gone, again, out of my life. Then I spent the next few years angry at her. I was upset and so guilt-ridden that I ever was angry with my ap's. Angry that I invested so much of my heart into a relationship with her. I was so mad and so hurt.
Four years later, after many hours of counseling and a lot of growing up, I finally reached a point where I was ready to move on. I felt so much peace about it. I truly was ready to let go. Then it happens...she returns. And so it begins, all over again. The emotions can overtake me sometimes.
It has now been a year since my first mom came back into my life after our first reunion...I refer to it as our "re"reunion. Things have been pretty good with us, however, this re-reunion anniversary also marks the tragic death of her mom, her best friend. As you can imagine, that has been very difficult for her. It has also made things much more difficult for us. I always felt that our re-reunion was her way of filling the void that the loss of her mother placed in her heart. In a way, I'm waiting for her to realize that I am not her replacement.
I have to admit that my relationship with her scares me. No matter what I tell myself, there's always that little bit of fear that my last conversation I have with her will be THE last. When she's in my life, I typically take whatever she is willing to give me just because she's there. I'm afraid of losing her. If it were anyone else, I could let it go. I would want to let it go. But with her, it's so difficult. I love her. I just hate that it has to be so hard.
Well, fast forward to THE day..translated into THE day I found out that she was looking for me, THE day my world turned upside down...and that is all I could think about. She wanted me. She was looking for me. Then I have all this anger directed toward my ap's that I never knew exisited. It literally came out of nowhere. I was so angry at them for making me feel guilty for wanting a relationship with her. I was so hurt that they didn't at least attempt to be supportive and try to understand. I didn't care if it was genuine...just fake it...just pretend to be happy for me so I knew that what I was persuing was ok.
I loved many things about my reunion. Of course the emotions and figuring out 'stuff' was hard, but I LOVED getting to know my mom, and about the family, meeting people I was related to and finding out where I came from. I loved it, until she went away. Just like that, she was gone, again, out of my life. Then I spent the next few years angry at her. I was upset and so guilt-ridden that I ever was angry with my ap's. Angry that I invested so much of my heart into a relationship with her. I was so mad and so hurt.
Four years later, after many hours of counseling and a lot of growing up, I finally reached a point where I was ready to move on. I felt so much peace about it. I truly was ready to let go. Then it happens...she returns. And so it begins, all over again. The emotions can overtake me sometimes.
It has now been a year since my first mom came back into my life after our first reunion...I refer to it as our "re"reunion. Things have been pretty good with us, however, this re-reunion anniversary also marks the tragic death of her mom, her best friend. As you can imagine, that has been very difficult for her. It has also made things much more difficult for us. I always felt that our re-reunion was her way of filling the void that the loss of her mother placed in her heart. In a way, I'm waiting for her to realize that I am not her replacement.
I have to admit that my relationship with her scares me. No matter what I tell myself, there's always that little bit of fear that my last conversation I have with her will be THE last. When she's in my life, I typically take whatever she is willing to give me just because she's there. I'm afraid of losing her. If it were anyone else, I could let it go. I would want to let it go. But with her, it's so difficult. I love her. I just hate that it has to be so hard.
Truth #6
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
I hope I NEVER have to bury another one of my kids.
Having to go through the loss of my twins was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life. However, TRYING my best to find a positive in that situation, I have told myself a hundred times over that I am thankful that they were taken sooner. I was thankful that I only had an empty, unused room to come home to. I didn't have to pack away their favorite toys, special outfits, or look at the empty chairs where they sat at meal times around the table. It could have been so much worse. I cannot even imagine having to bury my 9, 4, or 1 year old. As tragic and awful as the twins' deaths were, losing my babies now would be even harder. The thought alone brings me to tears.
I am so thankful for my beautiful children!
I hope I NEVER have to bury another one of my kids.
Having to go through the loss of my twins was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life. However, TRYING my best to find a positive in that situation, I have told myself a hundred times over that I am thankful that they were taken sooner. I was thankful that I only had an empty, unused room to come home to. I didn't have to pack away their favorite toys, special outfits, or look at the empty chairs where they sat at meal times around the table. It could have been so much worse. I cannot even imagine having to bury my 9, 4, or 1 year old. As tragic and awful as the twins' deaths were, losing my babies now would be even harder. The thought alone brings me to tears.
I am so thankful for my beautiful children!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Truth #5
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
There are so many things that I hope to do in my life. I hope to be a good wife. I hope to raise respectable children. I hope to be a good friend. I hope to live a life that is not full of regret. I do not want to die without being able to say that I have done SOMETHING to make the world a better place, but I am sure that is what everyone hopes for! So, I am going to go with something a little more on the selfish side. It is definitely a dream of mine and on the very top of my bucket list!
I hope to someday go to Paris.
Ever since I was a sophomore in high school, it has been my dream trip. Hopefully, that dream will be a reality one day! :)
There are so many things that I hope to do in my life. I hope to be a good wife. I hope to raise respectable children. I hope to be a good friend. I hope to live a life that is not full of regret. I do not want to die without being able to say that I have done SOMETHING to make the world a better place, but I am sure that is what everyone hopes for! So, I am going to go with something a little more on the selfish side. It is definitely a dream of mine and on the very top of my bucket list!
I hope to someday go to Paris.
Ever since I was a sophomore in high school, it has been my dream trip. Hopefully, that dream will be a reality one day! :)
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Truth #4
Being snowed in is really helping me catch up on my blog. Don't get used to it. This blizzard can't last forever! ;) Onto truth #4...
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Like most of us, I have a list of people that I need to forgive. Not so much that they deserve my forgiveness, but in order for me to move on with my life it's something I need to do. However, since my task for Day 4 is to forgive some'one', I will keep this post to that...just one person.
I need to forgive my first mom for giving me away.
That is not something I talk about a lot, but definitely something that I have struggled with for a long time. It is not that I had a terrible, awful childhood and I think I would have had a happier life with her. For me, it has been just knowing that I didn't matter enough to her for her to keep me, raise me, and love me.
There is just something that messes with the psyche to know that your mother did not want to keep you. I know many first moms will say that is not always the case and I know that it is not. However, when your mom tells you about not being able to 'take it' in the home she went to for two days or that she knows her grandmother would have loved you...taken us in...helped take care of you...etc, it kind of takes away from the "I had no other choice" thing. I've heard from her a hundred times, "but it was more complicating then that." That's fine, but it hurts to know that you, your life, did not matter more.
Being in reunion has been like being on the roller coaster ride from hell...to put it lightly. It is never ending. Just when you think things have slowed down, it's getting better and you can breathe a little easier, you find yourself turned upside down and starting the ride all over again. There have been a number of times that I have cried out, "Why?". I just don't get it. But, it is what it is...my life is what it is.
Even though she gave me away once, she found me and then rejected me again, then found me again and God only knows what's going to happen this time around, I still want her in my life. Something about knowing she is there makes me feel better. Even though she is so broken and sad as ever, she's there...my mom is there. If I am going to continue in our relationship, I have to forgive her. Hanging on to anger and fear only damages me and, in turn, keeps me from giving joy, understanding, and compassion to the other loved ones in my life. I know she loves me and never intended to hurt me, so I forgive her.
"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." ~Louis B. Smedes
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Like most of us, I have a list of people that I need to forgive. Not so much that they deserve my forgiveness, but in order for me to move on with my life it's something I need to do. However, since my task for Day 4 is to forgive some'one', I will keep this post to that...just one person.
I need to forgive my first mom for giving me away.
That is not something I talk about a lot, but definitely something that I have struggled with for a long time. It is not that I had a terrible, awful childhood and I think I would have had a happier life with her. For me, it has been just knowing that I didn't matter enough to her for her to keep me, raise me, and love me.
There is just something that messes with the psyche to know that your mother did not want to keep you. I know many first moms will say that is not always the case and I know that it is not. However, when your mom tells you about not being able to 'take it' in the home she went to for two days or that she knows her grandmother would have loved you...taken us in...helped take care of you...etc, it kind of takes away from the "I had no other choice" thing. I've heard from her a hundred times, "but it was more complicating then that." That's fine, but it hurts to know that you, your life, did not matter more.
Being in reunion has been like being on the roller coaster ride from hell...to put it lightly. It is never ending. Just when you think things have slowed down, it's getting better and you can breathe a little easier, you find yourself turned upside down and starting the ride all over again. There have been a number of times that I have cried out, "Why?". I just don't get it. But, it is what it is...my life is what it is.
Even though she gave me away once, she found me and then rejected me again, then found me again and God only knows what's going to happen this time around, I still want her in my life. Something about knowing she is there makes me feel better. Even though she is so broken and sad as ever, she's there...my mom is there. If I am going to continue in our relationship, I have to forgive her. Hanging on to anger and fear only damages me and, in turn, keeps me from giving joy, understanding, and compassion to the other loved ones in my life. I know she loves me and never intended to hurt me, so I forgive her.
"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." ~Louis B. Smedes
Monday, January 31, 2011
Truth #3
I am beginning to think I should have read through this list before I committed. Yikes...it gets kind of deep! I am hoping by the end of this, I will be a more well rounded person. One can hope, right? Moving on...
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
I need to forgive myself for not being the perfect mother.
As long as I can remember I have always LOVED children. It was my dream to one day have 5 or 6 of my own. I have spent most of my life, from probably about 5 on, taking care of children. Whether it was my little brother, my neighbors' children, the nursery at church, teaching bible classes, sponsoring a child through the mail, Camp Fire groups, or babysitting...you name it...I ALWAYS found a way to be around and/or involved with children. I just LOVED kids.
As I got older, I started to realize that my desire to have children wasn't totally because I just loved kids. While that was a huge part of it, I had a very strong desire to have someone in my life that was a part of me. Being an adopted child raised in a family with bio-siblings, you reach a point where you realize that you don't have your mom's nose, your dad's eyes, your grandma's laugh, your aunt's jawline, etc. I reached a point where I wanted to be able to have someone that was my flesh and my blood. Selfish? Totally. But I wanted it all the same.
When I got married and we were expecting out first babies, TWIN girls, I was so excited. Not only was I going to have two babies, they were ours. They would have my genes. Maybe my smile, maybe their dad's nose..honestly, I didn't care. I was just thrilled to have a connection, for the first time, to another being...or two. :) That was until we lost them 6 months into my pregnancy. I was crushed, hurt, and devastated to my core. There are no words to describe that pain. Not only were my baby girls gone, a huge part of me was gone too. Two lives that were a part of me, were now buried in the ground. Only my heart knew the love that I had for them. I got to snuggle their tiny bodies, hold their perfect little hands, and kiss their tiny fingers and toes, and, of course, their little noses (definitely their daddy's!)and then let them go.
Letting go was hard. Choosing a funeral home, finding a cemetery, picking out a casket...there are no words. The days before and after were miserable. I was left to wonder. Why did God take my babies from me? Did he think I would not have been a good enough mother? Did he know that I would fail them time and time again? Did he think I couldn't handle taking care of them? I begged, and pleaded with God for weeks. Promising him that if he would give me another chance I would be THE BEST mom. Well, almost 2 months after we lost our baby girls, I became pregnant again. I was cautiously optimistic throughout the entire pregnancy, but almost 11 months to the date that we lost our little girls, we had our little girl.
I was elated about our newborn, but reality slowly started setting in. Motherhood was nothing like I thought it would be. It didn't matter whose smile or nose she had, there was a LOT of work and emotions that went into raising her. Not only was I dealing with crazy postpartum hormones, but I was also dealing with the loss of the twins and, SURPRISE, my first mom decides she's ready to enter my life. I WAS A MESS! All the promises I made to God about being the very best mother in the world seemed to go right out the window. I hated myself more times then I can count for not being a better mom, making better choices, knowing what to do in all situations, etc. AND to make things even better, 4.5 years later we had a little boy AND 3 years after that we added another little girl to the mix.
I still struggle with motherhood at times. However, I am also starting to realize that it was very unrealistic to think that I should be the perfect mom. Yes, raising children brings an abundance of responsibility upon myself, but I also need to give myself a break every now and then. My thoughts about raising children prior to actually having them were solely based on my need to feel like I belonged somewhere...I wanted "my people", so to speak. My thoughts since having children have drastically changed. Yes, it's nice to finally see myself in another little being (that has turned out to be a bit scarier then I ever realized!!), but there's so much more to it then that. I am so very thankful for my five little blessings. Even though my time with two of my children was short-lived, they have all taught me in one way or another how to be a better person. I'm so thankful for them and also grateful that I have reached a point that I can forgive myself for not being the perfect mother that I feel they deserve.
Looking at the road ahead, I have a long haul in this job as a mom. I want to enjoy it. I want to set a good example for my children. The only way that I feel I can do that is to do what I think is best (and not beat myself up when I later realize that I should have done it differently) and just be entirely me...their imperfect mother that loves them unconditionally with all of my heart and soul.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
I need to forgive myself for not being the perfect mother.
As long as I can remember I have always LOVED children. It was my dream to one day have 5 or 6 of my own. I have spent most of my life, from probably about 5 on, taking care of children. Whether it was my little brother, my neighbors' children, the nursery at church, teaching bible classes, sponsoring a child through the mail, Camp Fire groups, or babysitting...you name it...I ALWAYS found a way to be around and/or involved with children. I just LOVED kids.
As I got older, I started to realize that my desire to have children wasn't totally because I just loved kids. While that was a huge part of it, I had a very strong desire to have someone in my life that was a part of me. Being an adopted child raised in a family with bio-siblings, you reach a point where you realize that you don't have your mom's nose, your dad's eyes, your grandma's laugh, your aunt's jawline, etc. I reached a point where I wanted to be able to have someone that was my flesh and my blood. Selfish? Totally. But I wanted it all the same.
When I got married and we were expecting out first babies, TWIN girls, I was so excited. Not only was I going to have two babies, they were ours. They would have my genes. Maybe my smile, maybe their dad's nose..honestly, I didn't care. I was just thrilled to have a connection, for the first time, to another being...or two. :) That was until we lost them 6 months into my pregnancy. I was crushed, hurt, and devastated to my core. There are no words to describe that pain. Not only were my baby girls gone, a huge part of me was gone too. Two lives that were a part of me, were now buried in the ground. Only my heart knew the love that I had for them. I got to snuggle their tiny bodies, hold their perfect little hands, and kiss their tiny fingers and toes, and, of course, their little noses (definitely their daddy's!)and then let them go.
Letting go was hard. Choosing a funeral home, finding a cemetery, picking out a casket...there are no words. The days before and after were miserable. I was left to wonder. Why did God take my babies from me? Did he think I would not have been a good enough mother? Did he know that I would fail them time and time again? Did he think I couldn't handle taking care of them? I begged, and pleaded with God for weeks. Promising him that if he would give me another chance I would be THE BEST mom. Well, almost 2 months after we lost our baby girls, I became pregnant again. I was cautiously optimistic throughout the entire pregnancy, but almost 11 months to the date that we lost our little girls, we had our little girl.
I was elated about our newborn, but reality slowly started setting in. Motherhood was nothing like I thought it would be. It didn't matter whose smile or nose she had, there was a LOT of work and emotions that went into raising her. Not only was I dealing with crazy postpartum hormones, but I was also dealing with the loss of the twins and, SURPRISE, my first mom decides she's ready to enter my life. I WAS A MESS! All the promises I made to God about being the very best mother in the world seemed to go right out the window. I hated myself more times then I can count for not being a better mom, making better choices, knowing what to do in all situations, etc. AND to make things even better, 4.5 years later we had a little boy AND 3 years after that we added another little girl to the mix.
I still struggle with motherhood at times. However, I am also starting to realize that it was very unrealistic to think that I should be the perfect mom. Yes, raising children brings an abundance of responsibility upon myself, but I also need to give myself a break every now and then. My thoughts about raising children prior to actually having them were solely based on my need to feel like I belonged somewhere...I wanted "my people", so to speak. My thoughts since having children have drastically changed. Yes, it's nice to finally see myself in another little being (that has turned out to be a bit scarier then I ever realized!!), but there's so much more to it then that. I am so very thankful for my five little blessings. Even though my time with two of my children was short-lived, they have all taught me in one way or another how to be a better person. I'm so thankful for them and also grateful that I have reached a point that I can forgive myself for not being the perfect mother that I feel they deserve.
Looking at the road ahead, I have a long haul in this job as a mom. I want to enjoy it. I want to set a good example for my children. The only way that I feel I can do that is to do what I think is best (and not beat myself up when I later realize that I should have done it differently) and just be entirely me...their imperfect mother that loves them unconditionally with all of my heart and soul.
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