Friday, August 20, 2010

The ugly truth

First of all, thank you so much for the e-mails. I have received several wondering if I had fell off the face of the earth! I guess, in a way, I kinda have. So, to catch you up...

Basically, I have been in a blogging slump. I have tried to read other blogs and keep up with my adoptee friends, but I just have not felt like writing about my life at all. I have thoughts, who doesn't, but I haven't been up to writing about them. Honestly, I have gone back into my own delusional world and haven't felt like coming back into reality. May sound sad, but we deal with life the best we can. In my case, I tend to avoid conflict and/or reality. Sad, but like I said, we deal the best we can.

For the majority of my life I have lived in my own world. A happy world. That is how I taught myself to cope with reality. Reality was hard. Reality made me angry. Reality was not a place I ever wanted to be. Reality sucked. So I did the only thing I knew to do...I avoided it.

I have never been one to speak up for myself. If I felt like others were being mistreated, I would have their back in a heartbeat. But growing up, no one had mine. When I was abused as a child, I chose to ignore it. I pushed the memories back in my mind as far as I could push them. I even convinced myself through most of my childhood and early adulthood that the abuse never even existed. For the absolute longest time, too long probably, I could think back on my childhood and believe that it was all wine and roses. I had that happily ever after. I really did believe it. I had convinced myself that I lived a fairytale life. Sure, I had a few trials, but life "could have been so different for me had my aparents not 'chose' to adopt me". I mean, seriously, if you're told something enough it tends to become your truth. My life was no different. I really and truly believed it. My delusional world reigned over my every thought. Things were good. Life was good. I was happy. Then, my mother waltzed back into my life.

Over the course of our relationship, reality slowly started setting in. And when I say slowly, I mean slooooooowly. It took years for me to process what I was actually feeling. Day by day and story by story, every little piece of me that had been covered in a blanket of denial was being exposed...and it hurt.

The more I got to know my mother, the more I hated everything about my past. I hated her mother for making her do it. I hated my aparents for not giving me a life like my siblings, their biological children, had. I hated myself for not trying to find her sooner. I hated life just because I existed. Then...she waltzed out of my life just as quickly as she came into it. More feelings of anger and hatred emerged. I hated her for abandoning me again. I hated her just because she didn't fight harder in the beginning. I hated myself for hating my aparents...they maybe didn't always protect me, but they didn't pop in and out of my life when convenient...their lack of interest in my life was always consistent -- I knew that I could never really count on them. I was overcome with anger that I never knew even existed inside me. It was ugly, and I did not like it at all.

After many hours of therapy, I was once again sloooooooowly learning to deal with life. Then, my mother comes back into my life once again with a whole new perspective on our relationship and life in general. It's been nice. She's been consistent. I feel happy. So...that's where I've been and where I am today. I am upbeat because I have immersed myself back into the sea of happiness. I have forgiven her of the past four years of rejection. I want to believe that she means it this time and she is going to be there for me to the end. But, the only way that I can believe that is to push the past back in my mind as far as I can. I can't change the past, but I can change the way I look at the future.

My life has been such a contradiction. That is why I have not felt like blogging. I know how a lot of you feel about adoption...whether you are an adoptee, first mom/natural mom/birthmom, or AP...there is so much hurt and heartache involved in the triangle. I don't want to get on here and talk about how great my reunion is and how perfect my relationship is with my mother, because it would not be entirely true. However, if I get on here and talk about how angry I am and how hard it is for me to trust anybody, it will be really hard for me to move forward.

Who knows where I will be a week, month, year from now. I may look back at this post and laugh at my stupidity. I guess I'll have to be ok with that. All I know is that I don't want to let my past dictate my future. Putting myself out there is not easy, but I can no longer beat myself up about every decision I make regarding my adoption. It is what it is, and I'm trying my best to deal with it.

So, I'm taking time to work on my attitude. I'm working on focusing on the positives in my life instead of dwelling on the negatives. I want to be a better wife, mother, and friend. I want to be there for those who are there for me and I can't do that when I am wallowing in my own self-pity. It's time to make some changes in my life. So, for the past month, that is what I have been working on.

So, that's my ugly truth. That's what I have been up to and why I have not been blogging. I thought about deleting my blog for a while, but I don't want to do that. I think we all have a story to share and in sharing it, we are able to make an impact on others going through a similar situation. This journey is truly a rollercoaster. I can click the "publish post" button, talk to my amother and then suddenly be overcome with a completely different point of view. However, I hope I am able to focus more on what I have now and not on what I have lost. We all need some healing, in one way or another, and I am hoping that this is mine.