If she had only been stronger...

Would I be more confident in myself? Would I have a better understanding of who I really was? Would I still worry that the people I love in my life were going to leave me? Would I still bend over backwards to please people that hurt me the most? Would I be the same me?

No one knows. No one will ever know. Because she wasn't.

She said that she wonders what would have happened had she only been stronger. She said that she could not watch me be raised by my father's family. She said that she did what she thought was best for me. She said that she has been haunted by her choice her entire life. She said that she wishes she had been stronger.

But she wasn't.

Sometimes I wonder, too. If she had only been stronger, who would I be today? But then I realize, it doesn't matter. The past is the past. That cannot be erased. I am me. I am OK with that. I have to be.

We all have issues in our life that leave us to wonder, given a different situation, if your life would have turned out better. You can't dwell on it. It will only eat you alive. You have to move on. However, a small part of you will always wonder. I will always wonder. If she had only been stronger....

Random Reunion Thoughts

10 years ago, I never, ever would have admitted that I wanted to know my first mom. If somone asked, I would always quickly reply with, "OH, no!! Of course not! I could never do that to my parents. They were the ones that raised me. That just wouldn't be fair to them." And, I actually thought I meant it.

Well, fast forward to THE day..translated into THE day I found out that she was looking for me, THE day my world turned upside down...and that is all I could think about. She wanted me. She was looking for me. Then I have all this anger directed toward my ap's that I never knew exisited. It literally came out of nowhere. I was so angry at them for making me feel guilty for wanting a relationship with her. I was so hurt that they didn't at least attempt to be supportive and try to understand. I didn't care if it was genuine...just fake it...just pretend to be happy for me so I knew that what I was persuing was ok.

I loved many things about my reunion. Of course the emotions and figuring out 'stuff' was hard, but I LOVED getting to know my mom, and about the family, meeting people I was related to and finding out where I came from. I loved it, until she went away. Just like that, she was gone, again, out of my life. Then I spent the next few years angry at her. I was upset and so guilt-ridden that I ever was angry with my ap's. Angry that I invested so much of my heart into a relationship with her. I was so mad and so hurt.

Four years later, after many hours of counseling and a lot of growing up, I finally reached a point where I was ready to move on. I felt so much peace about it. I truly was ready to let go. Then it happens...she returns. And so it begins, all over again. The emotions can overtake me sometimes.

It has now been a year since my first mom came back into my life after our first reunion...I refer to it as our "re"reunion. Things have been pretty good with us, however, this re-reunion anniversary also marks the tragic death of her mom, her best friend. As you can imagine, that has been very difficult for her. It has also made things much more difficult for us. I always felt that our re-reunion was her way of filling the void that the loss of her mother placed in her heart. In a way, I'm waiting for her to realize that I am not her replacement.

I have to admit that my relationship with her scares me. No matter what I tell myself, there's always that little bit of fear that my last conversation I have with her will be THE last. When she's in my life, I typically take whatever she is willing to give me just because she's there. I'm afraid of losing her. If it were anyone else, I could let it go. I would want to let it go. But with her, it's so difficult. I love her. I just hate that it has to be so hard.

Maternal Bond

I get so disgusted when I read posts and/or comments from AP's talking about adoptee's needing to "get over it" or "quit being so angry". While I do try to stay as positive as I possibly can...it's the only way I know how to cope...everyone reacts to situations in different ways. Whether I agree or not, I would NEVER, EVER tell someone that is grieving to get over it.

Grieving is exactly what you have to go through when you are taken from your mother. I don't care if you're 1 day or 50 years old, besides losing your own child, losing your mother is the hardest loss to grieve.

It goes back to maternal bond. Mothers begin bonding with their babies while they are merely weeks into their pregnancy. A fetus hears its mother's voice, responds to her touch, and even knows her smell. For 38+ weeks, those sounds, touches, and smells are all a baby knows. How scary to come into a cold, bright world full of unfamiliar sounds, smells and touches. Wouldn't you be a bit upset? Just because a "new mother" walks into the picture with the intent to provide you with gentle touches and a soothing voice, that does not replace what was taken away. A baby cries for what was warm, comfortable, and loving. I don't think that's easy to "get over".

I do not think that every AP in the world is out to hurt the child that they adopt. Some of them have the very best intentions. Some of them really want to "provide a life for a less fortunate child". The problem? A baby wants his/her mom. Plain and simple. They don't care how educated you are, how much money you make, what kind of car you drive or what kind of house you live in. They just want to be loved by their mother.

I honestly believe that the connections that are made in the uterus are with you forever. Every child has 'issues'...adopted or not. However, I do not feel like an AP can possibly love a child just like they are their own. Not that they don't want to or don't try, but I think naturally you don't have the same bond with another person's baby then you would your own.

Since my natural mom had no plans to place me for adoption throughout most of her pregnancy, she still loved me, sang to me, talked to me, spent everyday loving me. On the other hand, my adoptive mom found out she was getting me just hours before it actually happened. She was actually on vacation with my dad and was contacted by his parents that "they had a baby for them!". My amom's preparation for me consisted of gathering a bunch of people together to go run to Sears and buy every baby item in the store then meet their case worker at the office and take me home with them. Do you see my point?

It's not that my AP's didn't love me, but I truly believe with all of my heart it is a completely different kind of love. The maternal bond is strong. When it is taken away, no matter how old you are, a piece of you is taken with it.

Tomorrow

I am sitting here unsure about what tomorrow may bring. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and she is supposed to be coming to visit and hang out with me. My brother is supposed to be coming with her. I have not heard from her today so I do not have the slightest idea as to what the plan actually is. That in itself is a little nervewrecking for me, but I am sure it will all go ok.

This whole reunion thing is such a crazy situation. On one hand, I am excited that she is coming to see me and wants to spend part of her birthday with me. On the other hand, I'm slightly concerned that she is not going to show up because she is overwhelmed with the reality of it all. She seems different...in a good way. Our conversations are heartfelt and reassuring. She makes an effort to call and see how things are going with me and the kids. It's all good. So much so that I'm just waiting for the ball to drop. Waiting for the day when the phone calls end. It's not fair to her, but it's my reality. It's what I live with and worry about all the time. I hate to say it, but it's true. I am afraid that she's going to abandon me...again.

It's hard to admit those fears, but they're there. I cannot deny them. However, I can't live my life worried about what tomorrow may bring. I can only take care of and enjoy today. I have tried so hard to have the right perspective in all of this. As hurt as I would be if my relationship with my mom went badly, again, I am so blessed with loving and supportive people in my life that will always be there for me. That has become my focus. Enjoying what I do have..today.

I spent the past couple days with my two very best friends...just hanging out, talking, playing with the kids, eating, shopping....so much fun. They are my sisters, my family, and I love them dearly. My husband and I have our ups and downs, but I trust him 100% and never worry that he will be gone when I wake up the next day. I have three beautiful children that love me unconditionally and make me laugh everyday. I am blessed.

So even though I am a little nervous about tomorrow, I'm going to go to bed with thoughts of today and hopes that tomorrow will be a good one.

My wish

I am not a huge country music fan, but I really like Rascal Flatts. This song, in particular, is one of my favorites. Ironically enough, my mom brought this song up not that long ago. She said she fell in love with it when it came out because it always made her think of me.

She has shared so much this second time around. How much she has always loved me. How she wishes she would have chose to keep me. She has told me that more than anything she wished she would have listened to her heart instead of the people that were literally taking me away from her.

There have been so many times that I have wished that things were different. I used to think if I could have one wish, it would be to see the future. The only reason I would want to see the future is to know if the choice I'm facing is going to end with disappointment or sadness. Who wouldn't want to choose the smoother road? I'm slowly learning that the bumpy roads hurt, but they're the ones that we learn the most from. No one said it would be easy, right?

I have been asked so many times, "If you had to do it all over again..." in regards to my reunion. Even knowing now what I was going to go through...the silence, hurt, sadness, anger, resentment, fear, frustration, confusion, etc...I would choose to do it all over again. Why? Because had I chose the smoother road, at the time, I never would have got to feel what it was like to be loved by my mother. To me, even if it was only for a while, it was worth it.

A brand new end

I am not a huge John Mayer fan, but I am a huge fan of music. No matter the mood, be it happy, sad, mad or glad, I can find a song that fits. With that said, I have loved the lyrics to his song, "Say". It has been one of the many anthems in my "re"reunion. One of my favorite verses from the song is, "Have no fear for giving in. Have no fear for giving over. You better know that in the end, it's better to say too much than never to say what you need to say again." I have always had a problem expressing my feelings to others. I grew up in a home that didn't really allow for that, so I don't know if it's a learned behavior or if it's just my personality. My guess is a little of both. Whatever the cause, it is a huge struggle of mine.

After the funeral, I more or less was prepared for my birth mom to slowly drift back out of my life. However, that did not happen. It was actually the complete opposite. She would call me about every other night. We would talk for quite a while, sometimes a couple of hours or more, about anything and everything. We talked about us a lot. She was a lot more forthcoming about her emotions. She talked repeatedly about feeling so guilty for giving me up, but she never really addressed the years of silence. Judging by some of the things she said in our conversations, I could piece together different reasons, but I really needed to hear from her what happened. I didn't want to guess, I wanted to know. Every conversation we had, I wondered if it was the last one for a while. I was tired of living with that fear that she was going to walk out of my life again.

As much as I wanted to just come out and ask her, I was afraid of how she would respond. Would it make her mad? Would she tell me I was being selfish just thinking of myself after her mom just died tragically? Would she hang up on me and never call again? Regardless of my fears, I had to know. I didn't want another conversation to go by without finding out what happened. I didn't want to make the same mistakes again. So, I finally got the nerves to say what I needed to say. Finally.

When I asked her what happened she took a deep breath, followed by another one, and then there was a long pause on the phone. I asked her if she was OK, and she said yes. I could tell she was crying. I quietly started crying as she explained. It basically was all the things I had assumed. Her husband did not know about me and when she told him, he was very upset. Not so much about me, but the fact that my biological father was who he was...a black man. (I guess some things never change.) He gave her a very hard time about that. She also said that she had an overwhelming amount of guilt and sadness about not being there for me. That she gave me away and let total strangers raise me. The fact that she missed it all. She said it was, and still is, very overwhelming.

So, I asked her if all of that was the cause, how was I to believe that things would be better this time around? The feelings were still there, why did she think she could "handle it" now? Again, long pause, deep breaths, lots of tears, followed with another explanation. She told me that she knew she was wrong. She was so disappointed in herself for how she handled our relationship and even during the time she was not talking to me, she thought about me every single day. She said my entire life, a day never went by where she did not think about me several times. She said that losing her mom was a huge wake-up call for her because it happened so quickly and without warning. She did not want something to happen to me and for me to not know how much I meant to her and how much she loved me and always has.

My birth mom and I are alike in so many ways it is often freaky. I don't know how many times I have wondered how you can be so much like a person you spent the majority of your informative years away from. Our similarities are good and bad. One of the bad ones is our lack to truly express how we're feeling. This time around, we have talked about this particular flaw and have vowed to share our feelings with each other and not hold anything back. So far, it has gone very well. I love sharing my life with her. I think we both have our moments where we think about what could have been. Those times are sad, but I'm trying my hardest to move beyond the past. I think my birth mom said it best. She said that no one can go back and make a brand new start, but anyone can start from now and make a brand new end. I'm really counting on it.

Mama, do you love me?

If you have small children, you more than likely have come across this book before while perusing the bookstore or library. Maybe it's the elementary teacher coming out in me, but I LOVE children's books. They're simple, sweet, and full of meaning. This book is no different. It is a touching story about a little girl who imagines different scenarios to test her mother's love and devotion. No matter what scenario the little girl comes up with, her mother reassures her and lets her know how deep her love is for her. It's a very sweet story about a child's insecurities and a mother's unconditional love.

I really struggle with this very thing in my reunion with my birth mom. Love is such a complex emotion. It is sometimes hard for me to understand how she could possibly love me. She says it, but how do I know she really means it? In some ways, I'm a little jealous of the girl in the story. I didn't have the opportunity to grow up in a world where I could ask that simple question, "Mama, do you love me?". After all, my mom gave me away. If she loved me, she would have kept me. She would have tried harder, fought longer, found a way to make it work. Now, here I am an adult... she was in my life, then out of my life, now she's back in and she's telling me she loves me? How do I know?

The connection I have with my birth mom cannot be described with words. I love her very much. Having her in my life is so very important to me. Deep down, I believe her when she tells me she loves me. I really do. It's just sometimes the child inside me fears that love could fade based on the different scenarios that I've imagined. But, I am slowly learning to trust. I just wish it were all a little easier.