I get so disgusted when I read posts and/or comments from AP's talking about adoptee's needing to "get over it" or "quit being so angry". While I do try to stay as positive as I possibly can...it's the only way I know how to cope...everyone reacts to situations in different ways. Whether I agree or not, I would NEVER, EVER tell someone that is grieving to get over it.
Grieving is exactly what you have to go through when you are taken from your mother. I don't care if you're 1 day or 50 years old, besides losing your own child, losing your mother is the hardest loss to grieve.
It goes back to maternal bond. Mothers begin bonding with their babies while they are merely weeks into their pregnancy. A fetus hears its mother's voice, responds to her touch, and even knows her smell. For 38+ weeks, those sounds, touches, and smells are all a baby knows. How scary to come into a cold, bright world full of unfamiliar sounds, smells and touches. Wouldn't you be a bit upset? Just because a "new mother" walks into the picture with the intent to provide you with gentle touches and a soothing voice, that does not replace what was taken away. A baby cries for what was warm, comfortable, and loving. I don't think that's easy to "get over".
I do not think that every AP in the world is out to hurt the child that they adopt. Some of them have the very best intentions. Some of them really want to "provide a life for a less fortunate child". The problem? A baby wants his/her mom. Plain and simple. They don't care how educated you are, how much money you make, what kind of car you drive or what kind of house you live in. They just want to be loved by their mother.
I honestly believe that the connections that are made in the uterus are with you forever. Every child has 'issues'...adopted or not. However, I do not feel like an AP can possibly love a child just like they are their own. Not that they don't want to or don't try, but I think naturally you don't have the same bond with another person's baby then you would your own.
Since my natural mom had no plans to place me for adoption throughout most of her pregnancy, she still loved me, sang to me, talked to me, spent everyday loving me. On the other hand, my adoptive mom found out she was getting me just hours before it actually happened. She was actually on vacation with my dad and was contacted by his parents that "they had a baby for them!". My amom's preparation for me consisted of gathering a bunch of people together to go run to Sears and buy every baby item in the store then meet their case worker at the office and take me home with them. Do you see my point?
It's not that my AP's didn't love me, but I truly believe with all of my heart it is a completely different kind of love. The maternal bond is strong. When it is taken away, no matter how old you are, a piece of you is taken with it.
If there wasn't something to "get over," then they wouldn't have to tell an adoptee to "get over it." I think people who say those things do not see adoption from a loss perspective and listening to others who do interferes with the picture of adoption that suits them best.
ReplyDeleteHow can children be put first in adoption if only one viewpoint matters? *sigh*
I agree. I have always maintained that adoptees do indeed bond with their ap's...it's just different than the natural bond we had/have with our first Mothers.
ReplyDeleteI saw it with my ap's and their bio daughter. Same love, but "different".
But like Amanda said, "If there wasn't something to "get over," then they wouldn't have to tell an adoptee to "get over it."
They are threatened by this bond that they will never have. It is IMPOSSIBLE for them to have it. They did not have US.
It angers me that some people would like to take one of the few things we have left from our first Mothers and deny it and piss on it.
I totally agree with everything you (and Amanda and Linda) said. My adoption happened much the same way as yours..my aparents got a call in the morning that there was a baby for them. They called the troops to scatter and get clothes and other essentials and they picked me up at the agency later that day.
ReplyDeleteI've been working in therapy on the trauma of my birth and relinquishment and it's really opened my eyes to the bond that I have with my natural mother. It's amazing..and heartbreaking at the same time.
Whoa..long winded much? Lol..I love you Jen.
I wonder, as a mother, if this is why so many of the emotions are overwhelming for both the mother and adoptee? After all, for me anyway, I was totally bonded to my child. Like Jen's mother I had absolutely no plans of surrendering my daughter and spent hours talking to her, singing, walking and just living. I guess you could say that I was a very healthy pregnant girl. Then spent three years fighting for her and most of that time she slept in my bed (I tried so hard to break her of that) and went every where with me.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if that, no I am sure that is part of the reason she gets so overwhelmed and runs the other way....the connection that the adopters (she did not have parents) told her was bs and to forget, then told her all kinds of lies...this connection is scary to her....hmmmm....a thinking thing.
I didn't have any plans to place my baby for adoption. Birthparents get told to get over it too. It's all very sad.
ReplyDeleteThe sad thing to me is that adoption is a life long deal. As a birth mother, first mother, natural mother or whatever you want to call it, people think that once our baby is gone/adopted we should already be over it. The only problem is that grief and loss for our child lasts for our lifetime. Since it lasts a lifetime for the mother, I know it must last a lifetime for the child as well.
ReplyDeleteEven if you are to reunite with your mother/child that does not replace what has been lost. It is not something one ever gets over. period.