Monday, December 27, 2010

Merry Christmas...

...from my family to yours! :)

We had a nice Christmas, but I must say I am glad that the craziness of it all is over. There is always so much build-up and then it's over in a matter of minutes! The kids had a blast, so that is what's important...mission accomplished!! Ha! :) I am now looking forward to a girls night and exchanging gifts with my bff's later this week. ALWAYS a good time! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

This crazy life

In my everyday life, it is fairly easy to go through the motions of the day. Regardless of the personal issues that may be welling up inside me, I am pretty good at masking things just to "get by". I like to stay busy...ALL.THE.TIME. Rarely does a day go by that I do not have something to do. Planned or not, I keep my days (and nights) busy.

I used to just think that I am a busy person. I like to have LOTS to do. That may be true in part, but my friends (and then reiterated by my counselor) helped me to see otherwise. It's really not so much that I stay busy because I LIKE it, it's more because it keeps me from thinking. It's become a way for me to cope. I mean, REALLY...who likes to ponder about their life's struggles? Obviously, not me. It's funny...the things we do to make it through.

I had a conversation with my nmom the other day that kind of spurred my thoughts. We were talking about Christmas and our plans which led to her inviting me to come spend some of Christmas Eve with her dad, sister, nieces/nephews, etc. and then that led us into a conversation about I fit into the family. When it's just her and I, it's relatively easy. However, those times that I'm hit with the realization that there is a whole family out there that I am related to, but do not know, that's when it's a little harder.

I want to fit in and be a part of the family, but it's really REALLY hard for me right now. I still have a lot of reservations about who I am and my place in the family, especially with the second rejection. It's hard to put myself out there for fear that I may be hurt again. I wish it wasn't so complicating and emotion-filled, but it is what it is. I'm learning to deal.

So, how do you all balance the holidays with your family/friends, first mom, and adoptive family? It is beyond overwhelming to me. For this year, I know that I will not be joining my natural family on Christmas Eve. I am not emotionally ready for it and do not know if/when I'll ever be. I'm sure time will give me plenty of opportunities to think and hopefully provide some clarity. It usually does.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Abortion or Adoption...that is the question

I don't know how many times in my life someone has told me, "You should be so glad that you're adopted. You know, your mom COULD of had an abortion." I have heard that more times then I could possibly begin to count. I grew up believing my mom was so brave and admirable for not aborting me. Instead, she decided to love me, care about me, take care of herself so she, in turn, could take care of me, and THEN give me away. Whether it was at 12 weeks gestation or 2 days postpartum, she still lost me. Is there really a difference?

I have been thinking about this a lot, so I decided to do a little research. What did I find:
Why do women choose abortion?
Three-fourths say that having a baby would interfere with work, school, or other responsibilities; about two-thirds say they cannot afford a child; and half say they do not want to be a single parent or are having problems with their husband or partner.
Why do women choose adoption?
The first situation that leads many pregnant women to consider adoption is the lack of a father figure in her baby’s life; secondly, the mother’s financial situation and the fear that she will struggle handling both her and the baby’s expenses, especially without family support; finally, the mother's desire to continue her education and/or the idea that she is not mature enough to raise a baby.
Is it just me or do you also see the common thread? Although the two are very different, the reasoning behind them are very much the same.

I asked my f mom why she chose to carry me to term. Her mother wanted her to have an abortion, so I wanted to hear why she chose not to. She said that she could not bear to abort me. She thought it was wrong, so she refused to do it. She had every intention of keeping me and raising me on her own, until two weeks before I was born. She realized she was all alone and decided I deserved better then what she could offer. So, she gave me away. She didn't want to, but she did what she felt she had to do.

How many women that have abortions really WANT to do it? In my opinion (and this may be harsh) adoption is a way to consciously (or even morally) feel okay about your decision to lose your baby. I do believe my mom when she tells me that she wanted to keep me...she loved me...she only wanted what was best for me. Do people that have abortions not want or love their baby? Do they feel that they are doing what is best for the child they are carrying? It's something to think about.

I am not posting this to offend any first mom's or women who have had abortions. I realize that every adoption and abortion is not the same. It is something that's been on my mind and I've wondered what others think. I am sure many of you may disagree with some of the things that I have said, and that's okay. I'd love to hear your opinions on the topic. Whether you get what I'm saying or you think I'm way off, I hope you take the time to share.