In my everyday life, it is fairly easy to go through the motions of the day. Regardless of the personal issues that may be welling up inside me, I am pretty good at masking things just to "get by". I like to stay busy...ALL.THE.TIME. Rarely does a day go by that I do not have something to do. Planned or not, I keep my days (and nights) busy.
I used to just think that I am a busy person. I like to have LOTS to do. That may be true in part, but my friends (and then reiterated by my counselor) helped me to see otherwise. It's really not so much that I stay busy because I LIKE it, it's more because it keeps me from thinking. It's become a way for me to cope. I mean, REALLY...who likes to ponder about their life's struggles? Obviously, not me. It's funny...the things we do to make it through.
I had a conversation with my nmom the other day that kind of spurred my thoughts. We were talking about Christmas and our plans which led to her inviting me to come spend some of Christmas Eve with her dad, sister, nieces/nephews, etc. and then that led us into a conversation about us...me...where/how I fit into the family. When it's just her and I, it's relatively easy. However, those times that I'm hit with the realization that there is a whole family out there that I am related to, but do not know, that's when it's a little harder.
I want to fit in and be a part of the family, but it's really REALLY hard for me right now. I still have a lot of reservations about who I am and my place in the family, especially with the second rejection. It's hard to put myself out there for fear that I may be hurt again. I wish it wasn't so complicating and emotion-filled, but it is what it is. I'm learning to deal.
So, how do you all balance the holidays with your family/friends, first mom, and adoptive family? It is beyond overwhelming to me. For this year, I know that I will not be joining my natural family on Christmas Eve. I am not emotionally ready for it and do not know if/when I'll ever be. I'm sure time will give me plenty of opportunities to think and hopefully provide some clarity. It usually does.