Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I am thankful for... husband. He's consistent and I know that I can trust him 100%. AMAZING BFF's. They are my chosen sisters and life would not be the same without them. three children (and two angels in heaven). They are the epitome of unconditional love.

...all of my parents. They all played some part in making me who I am today. house. It's nice to have shelter. job. We have a love/hate relationship, but I am thankful to have one I enjoy. That of myself, friends, and family.

...Internet. What in the world would we do without the World Wide Web??

...blogs. Writing mine and reading others has been great help and encouragement for me.

...the adoption community. It's nice to know others who have been there and get it.

...rain. There is no sound or smell I love more.

...laughter. No better feeling in the world than when you laugh-so-hard-you-cry. It is pure therapy for me sometimes!

...hard times. They've made me stronger and wiser, and the good times even better.

So, what are you thankful for? Wishing a Happy Thanksgiving, to you and yours!! :)

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Blog of Shame

There are no words to describe how sick I am after seeing this. Hop on over to Christina's blog and you will see why. It's absolutely sickening!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Blog Stalkers Please Come Forward

I admit that I peruse blogs on occasion and do not leave comments saying who I am. I didn't think much of it until I started noticing random URL's and such on my blog. I would love to know who is following my blog so comments are great, but if you're anything like me you only have a small window of opportunity to read other blogs so there's usually not much time to comment. Anyway, blog stalking was not such a big deal to me UNTIL after the crazy dream I had last night.

I dreamt that my AP's and my asister had come across my blog. If you remember THIS POST and my amom's reaction, that was pretty much the reaction in my dream. It was intense. It turned into an absolute nightmare. was scary! SO much so that when I awoke this morning I debated going private. I love the idea that my blog can help others, but I don't want any part of it to hurt someone else.

YES, I am sometimes mad. YES, I am sometimes sad. Yes, I am sometimes angry, disappointed, frustrated, name it, I have been it on my blog. Despite that, my intentions are not to blog so I can talk about people behind their backs. There are occasionally things that I say about my families on my blog that I know I am not ready to say to them in person. BUT, that's how blogging has been GREAT therapy for me. Getting your thoughts out there and off your chest/mind is such a release and receiving feedback from others that understand is even more therapeutic.

So, I was just curious about your thoughts on this topic. How many of your AP's, first/birth/natural mom's, dad's, brother's, sister's, adoptee's, etc (wherever they fit in the triangle) know you have a blog and follow it? If so, did they find it on their own? Did you tell them? How was their reaction? Are/were you glad they found it or you told them about it?

My AP's are not real computer savvy, but my nmom, asister, and abrothers are. However, none of them know that I have a blog so they wouldn't be looking for it. I've totally debated telling my nmom about it, but I'm not sure how she'll react to it. You know, reading the "truth" is not easy.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Second Thoughts

I was wondering how many of you have accessed your adoption records. I have been excited about the possibility of having factual, real information about me. However, as I have started the process to obtain my records, I am suddenly a little nervous about it. I am beginning to wonder if opening this up will also bring about new issues...a whole new list is raiding my mind. Who knows what my adoption records...OBC, court proceedings, agency reports, etc... may disclose? What if I discover more lies? Am I ready to find out?

I have a very strong feeling that my AP's knew more than what they ever disclosed to me throughout my life. I have another VERY strong feeling that they already have a copy of my adoption records. There are little things that I have always known about myself that my nmom said she never shared with anyone. The only way that my AP's could know that information to tell me is if they obtained it from my adoption records.

My AP's, I felt, were always fairly open about my adoption. I knew I was adopted. I knew what my nmom had named me. They told me that my nmom was enrolled at a local community college in her hometown. Several details like that I always knew. However, it was always on their terms. If i ever asked my amom something specific abut my nmom, she would give me a vague answer.

Once, my amom told me when I turned 13 she would give me some information that would tell me more about my nmom. I will never forget my 13th birthday. I was expecdting a big envelope full of information about me, my nmom and ndad, my birth, etc. INstead, my amom was out of town with my sister. I called in my own cake to the local bakery, my adad went and picked it up when he finished working, and we ate it. That was it. That was my 13th birthday. No big envelope. No records. Just a cake that I ordered for myself.

I have a strange sense of loyalty to my AP's. I am angry with them about a lot of things that happened growing up, but I also have a hard time expressing my true feelings to them. You know, the whole...because you took me in and saved me from a life of poverty and despair. Because of that, I have felt like I "owed it to them" to be the good girl...dependable and loyal. I guess that it's paid off to an extent. I am the executor to their estate over their biological children. Bottom line, I am the one that they trust. I'm sure if I was ever really honest with them, this would all be thrown in my face.

I am sure many of you are thinking that it's CRAZY to have second thoughts. I think it's pretty crazy too. So, why am I nervous about it? Well for me, NOTHING with my reunion has gone how I thought it would. I don't think anyone could have prepared me for the emotions involved. That is why I am nervous about opening up my adoption records. I am having second thoughts on whether or not I am ready to "go there" and, unfortunately, I won't know until I do it.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Stepford life

Do you ever read other people's blogs or hear about another person's life and wonder if they ever have any problems? You know, like the "Stepford family" you see at the park. They arrive in their shiny, newly cleaned and waxed minivan. The doors open and mom, dad, big brother and little sister step out, laughing. Brother and sister run to the swings calling out for dad to give them a push. Mom urges dad to go while she lays the blanket out onto the grass and starts unpacking their picnic lunch. You hear their giggles and see their smiles and think of how lucky they are to have THAT.

As your cheeks start burning with envy, you are pulled back into your reality...YOUR life. Your littlest fell off the jungle gym while you were jealously watching the Stepford family. She's screaming, you're trying to soothe her....meanwhile, your other two children are fighting over the last drink out of the only water bottle you brought. You meant to grab drinks for everyone, but forgot because you were trying to just remember all your children as you were heading out the door. Frustrated that you can't calm your baby and irritated that your others are fighting, you decide to call it quits and head home. Your baby is still screaming, your middle child is throwing a fit because he doesn't want to leave, and your oldest is pouting because you made her give up the last drink of water so ONE of your other two would quit screaming. As your piling your kids back into your dirty, cluttered van, you glance back over at the Stepford family that is now laughing and enjoying their picnic in the park. There, just for a moment, you wish that you had THAT.

The next day, you go to church with your family. Afterwards, you go eat at your favorite restaurant. The kids are behaving AMAZINGLY well. You and hubby enjoy your time talking to each other while the kids are quietly coloring their kids menus and patiently waiting for the food to come. They look so sweet and charming dressed in their Sunday best. The waiter even comments on how well-behaved your children are. You and hubby enjoy the time together as a family. You make plans for the week. Talk about the kids' schedules and work schedules. You laugh at the cute comments your precious little ones are making. It's a great time.

A couple tables away, a mom is there by herself with her two children. The kids are arguing because the food is taking too long. The oldest is mad at mom because she made him order off the kids menu because it was cheaper. The youngest starts pestering big brother and, in the process, knocks her drink over onto mom's new coat. Mom, about to lose her temper, turns and takes a deep breath and slowly starts counting to ten. As she's counting, she sees your family. Mom and dad together, laughing and talking. Three beautiful, well-behaved children. Tears begin to burn her eyes as she wishes, just for a moment, that she had THAT.

Even in the crazy world of adoption, we all have our Stepford moments. Believe it or not, each of us have had some moment where things seemed to be perfect in the eye of a complete stranger. SOme of you may be laughing at this point, but it's true. The outside is not always what it seems...good or bad. I've definitely had those moments where I've read something and wished, for that moment, that I had THAT. Like when I read the latest blog entry of the "Stepford AP's" that spend the holidays and plan vacations with their little adoptlings first mom. Oh, how I wish I could of had that.

I wish that I could be excited when my nmom plans something with me and not afraid that it's not going to happen. I wish that I wasn't paranoid every time she's a day late in returning a phone call that she's backing away from me again. I wish that it felt natural to call her mom or have my children call her grandma. I wish that I wasn't googling my ndad and spending hours looking at pictures of my half siblings that I will probably never know. I wish that things were different, but their not.

So, my point in all of this is that we all have our moments. Just keep in mind when you get to feeling jealous, and wishing that you had someone else's life...they very well may be wishing the same thing about yours. What would we do without the Stepford's? I guess it keeps us dreaming and everyone needs a dream.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Maternal Bond

I get so disgusted when I read posts and/or comments from AP's talking about adoptee's needing to "get over it" or "quit being so angry". While I do try to stay as positive as I possibly's the only way I know how to cope...everyone reacts to situations in different ways. Whether I agree or not, I would NEVER, EVER tell someone that is grieving to get over it.

Grieving is exactly what you have to go through when you are taken from your mother. I don't care if you're 1 day or 50 years old, besides losing your own child, losing your mother is the hardest loss to grieve.

It goes back to maternal bond. Mothers begin bonding with their babies while they are merely weeks into their pregnancy. A fetus hears its mother's voice, responds to her touch, and even knows her smell. For 38+ weeks, those sounds, touches, and smells are all a baby knows. How scary to come into a cold, bright world full of unfamiliar sounds, smells and touches. Wouldn't you be a bit upset? Just because a "new mother" walks into the picture with the intent to provide you with gentle touches and a soothing voice, that does not replace what was taken away. A baby cries for what was warm, comfortable, and loving. I don't think that's easy to "get over".

I do not think that every AP in the world is out to hurt the child that they adopt. Some of them have the very best intentions. Some of them really want to "provide a life for a less fortunate child". The problem? A baby wants his/her mom. Plain and simple. They don't care how educated you are, how much money you make, what kind of car you drive or what kind of house you live in. They just want to be loved by their mother.

I honestly believe that the connections that are made in the uterus are with you forever. Every child has 'issues'...adopted or not. However, I do not feel like an AP can possibly love a child just like they are their own. Not that they don't want to or don't try, but I think naturally you don't have the same bond with another person's baby then you would your own.

Since my natural mom had no plans to place me for adoption throughout most of her pregnancy, she still loved me, sang to me, talked to me, spent everyday loving me. On the other hand, my adoptive mom found out she was getting me just hours before it actually happened. She was actually on vacation with my dad and was contacted by his parents that "they had a baby for them!". My amom's preparation for me consisted of gathering a bunch of people together to go run to Sears and buy every baby item in the store then meet their case worker at the office and take me home with them. Do you see my point?

It's not that my AP's didn't love me, but I truly believe with all of my heart it is a completely different kind of love. The maternal bond is strong. When it is taken away, no matter how old you are, a piece of you is taken with it.