We'll try this again...

Have you all forgotten about me? I've kind of forgotten about myself. I have written for over a year about the trials of adoption and reunion. I've talked about all the hurdles I have faced and ways that I've managed to get over them. I thought I was maybe getting closer to understanding my life a little better when a new HUGE hurdle presented itself. I can't decide if I've been at a track meet jumping hurdles over the past few months or at an amusement park on an endless roller coaster...probably a little of both. I am not even sure where to start. When I first started this blog, I was past the initial shock of reunion and was basically looking back on what I had been through and sharing it with you all. Well, this is different. I am in the midst of my renuion with my dad, and there hasn't been anything easy about it. I have tried to write numerous times, but I cannot find the words. I have been happy, sad, angry, resentful, frustrated, and confused. It has been almost 9 months since I received the email saying that my dad was looking for me. It has been a whirlwind ever since. There is so much to write, I am not even sure where to begin. I just wanted to get something out there so you all know I haven't disappeared. As the words come, I will post. This blog has been great therapy for me and I hope that it can continue to be. I look forward to catching up with everyone. It's been too long!

Where do I go from here?

I've asked myself that question a hundred times over. I wish I had an answer. Having been through reunion (and re-reunion) with my nmom, I figured I would have it all figured out by now. Or, at the very least, have a better idea of what to expect. I was wrong. I obviously have avoided blogging for the past month. I always wished that I knew about the forum, blogging, etc back when I was in my first reunion with my nmom. I thought it would have been SOOO wonderful to have the support of all my adoptee friends back when I was trying to make it through the throes of adoption and reunion. Well, here I am again in the same situation, however, I have totally neglected utilizing the support. Why? Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking and it all came down to three reasons.

First of all, I've avoided blogging because that's what I do. Anytime I am faced with a stressful situation, I typically try to avoid dealing with it. So, that's exactly what I did. Out of sight, out of mind? Not exactly, but in my mind if I wasn't "talking" about it, then I wasn't having to deal with it.

Secondly, I avoided blogging because I really was not sure how I was feeling. Of course there have been the roller coaster ups and downs, but for the most part, I was unsure and just needed some time to absorb what was happening. I didn't know what to say, what part of the journey to share, what advice to ask for, etc. I just needed time.

And finally, I avoided blogging because I felt guilty. Blogging has been a great source of therapy for me and I know that a lot of you find comfort in following and knowing that you are not alone. But sometimes I feel guilty talking about the difficulties of being reunited with my natural family when so many of you would give ANYTHING to have just a moment with yours. It's really been a struggle for me.

So, am I the only one that feels this way? I've thought about deleting my blog...AGAIN! I've thought about going private. I've thought about just continuing on with the next chapter of my reunion. I guess "un"avoiding is a great start! ;) Any way that I look at it, all thoughts lead back to the same question...Where do I go from here?

Roller Coasters and Tug of War

The roller coaster of emotions are back. On top of that, I feel like I am the rope in a fierce game of tug-of-war. Mom vs dad....AP's vs BP's...guilt vs desire...it's constant. I have not contacted my dad, yet. I have been messaging back and forth with my 15 year old brother. He is super sweet, funny, and extremely curious. A lot has unfolded and I have a lot of updating to do. But for now, I'm going to wait until I talk to my counselor and sort through some of my feelings before I post the latest details. I'm not sure what I think about all of it..or I haven't got to a point where I can verbalize what I'm thinking. It's differnet this time around because I kind of have a clue, but it is still scary. The neverending list of questions are there...What do I do? Where is this new door going to lead me? In the process of potentially pursuing a relationship with my dad and his family, will it ruin the relationship that I have with my mom? I haven't (and probably won't for a while) mentioned any of this to my AP's...I can only imagine what that will be like? Questions that bring up more questions that lead to other questions are constantly running through my mind. I've said on here so many times that I've never had a desire to know my dad or force a relationship. I was OK with the way things were. But, now that the opportunity is here, my feelings about it are beginning to change. I'm just hoping I make decisions because of desire and not because of guilt. I'm hoping that I deal with things in a healthy way. ::Sigh:: Roller coasters and tug-of-war -- will life ever be the same again?

Random Reunion Thoughts

10 years ago, I never, ever would have admitted that I wanted to know my first mom. If somone asked, I would always quickly reply with, "OH, no!! Of course not! I could never do that to my parents. They were the ones that raised me. That just wouldn't be fair to them." And, I actually thought I meant it.

Well, fast forward to THE day..translated into THE day I found out that she was looking for me, THE day my world turned upside down...and that is all I could think about. She wanted me. She was looking for me. Then I have all this anger directed toward my ap's that I never knew exisited. It literally came out of nowhere. I was so angry at them for making me feel guilty for wanting a relationship with her. I was so hurt that they didn't at least attempt to be supportive and try to understand. I didn't care if it was genuine...just fake it...just pretend to be happy for me so I knew that what I was persuing was ok.

I loved many things about my reunion. Of course the emotions and figuring out 'stuff' was hard, but I LOVED getting to know my mom, and about the family, meeting people I was related to and finding out where I came from. I loved it, until she went away. Just like that, she was gone, again, out of my life. Then I spent the next few years angry at her. I was upset and so guilt-ridden that I ever was angry with my ap's. Angry that I invested so much of my heart into a relationship with her. I was so mad and so hurt.

Four years later, after many hours of counseling and a lot of growing up, I finally reached a point where I was ready to move on. I felt so much peace about it. I truly was ready to let go. Then it happens...she returns. And so it begins, all over again. The emotions can overtake me sometimes.

It has now been a year since my first mom came back into my life after our first reunion...I refer to it as our "re"reunion. Things have been pretty good with us, however, this re-reunion anniversary also marks the tragic death of her mom, her best friend. As you can imagine, that has been very difficult for her. It has also made things much more difficult for us. I always felt that our re-reunion was her way of filling the void that the loss of her mother placed in her heart. In a way, I'm waiting for her to realize that I am not her replacement.

I have to admit that my relationship with her scares me. No matter what I tell myself, there's always that little bit of fear that my last conversation I have with her will be THE last. When she's in my life, I typically take whatever she is willing to give me just because she's there. I'm afraid of losing her. If it were anyone else, I could let it go. I would want to let it go. But with her, it's so difficult. I love her. I just hate that it has to be so hard.

Moving Forward

After our initial meeting, the honeymoon continued. Life was great...the best it had ever been. I was so happy. I knew my parents, especially my mom, were not thrilled with the situation, but it was what it was and they knew they had no control. We dealt with it by not talking about it. Not good,I know, but at that time I was just trying to figure out how to deal with everything and keep my head above water. They never brought it up, so neither did I. We were all just ready to move forward.

A couple months after our initial meeting, my birth mom wanted me to meet her parents. I was apprehensive because I didn't know how I felt about them. After all, if her parents would have supported her decision to keep me I would never have been placed for adoption. I could have grown up with my birth mom instead of meeting her for the first time at 25. They were very close...something else that I felt I missed out on...but I knew it was very important to her that I meet them, so I went through with it. More for her then me, but I was glad that I did.

It was like a mini family reunion. I took my daughter with me. Her parents were there, one of her sisters, two of her aunts, and her niece. They were all so warm and loving. Her mom greeted me with open arms and a few tears. She didn't say much, at first, but she didn't have to. I could see it in her eyes. I looked at photo albums, answered questions about my life, listened to their stories...I enjoyed every minute of it.

I was living a dream. I could not have been happier. Not realizing at the time, I was still enjoying the honeymoon. I had no idea how things were about to change.

The Meeting

We continued talking on the phone and writing letters for about 8 months. During that time, conversation was very easy. We could talk about anything...serious or the mundane. I loved that about her. We had talked about meeting on several different occasions. I wanted to, but I was also scared. I was scared that we would be moving, yet again, to that next level. I loved her and wanted her in my life, but I also was unsure of what the future would hold for us from that point on.

After our initial phone conversation, the next pivotal moment for me was receiving the first letter from her and pictures. I had always had my thoughts on what she looked like, and of course reality was not what I had imagined. I don't mean that in a bad way either. I thought she was beautiful. I absolutely LOVED having pictures of my biological family. Her friend had copied some pictures of my biological father that she found in a yearbook. Those were nice to have too. I don't know why, but I had always been more curious about my birth mom. I mean, it's nice and all to know about your dad and what he looked like and such, but my birth mom was who I really was curious about.

I stared at the pictures over and over again. Pieces of the puzzle were slowly put together as I looked at them. I had wondered my whole life where my dimples came from. Not one person in my adoptive family had dimples. When I saw her picture, that was the first thing I noticed...I got my dimples from her! I CRIED big time as I looked at the pictures and especially when I read her letter.

We continued to stay in touch. I talked to her on the phone about once a week for the first month. After that it progressed to about a couple of times a week, and at times about every other night. Sometimes I would talk to her each day for several days in a row. It was like an addiction of sorts -- weird sounding, I know, but that's the only way I can think to describe it. I WANTED to talk to her all the time. There was so much that we had to catch up on. I craved her attention and affection. The more we talked, the more I wanted to know her and have her in my life. I knew it was time and I was ready to meet face to face.

We had talked often about when/where we were going to meet. Neither of us wanted it to be a big, all family thing. We thought it would be best if it was just her and I for that first time. Her son still did not know about me. She told me all the time that she wanted to tell him, but was waiting for the right time. I kept telling her I understood and, at the time, I thought I did. As long as she reassured me she loved me and had always loved me, I was pacified enough to take whatever she was willing to give me. We finally decided on a date.

I will never forget that day (I find myself saying that a lot when talking about this). My friends had my daughter for the day. My husband, a coach, had a basketball game that evening so he was out for the day. I was alone. I was ready for a couple of hours before she got there. I wanted everything to be perfect. I examined my outfit several times. I STILL remember to this day what I was wearing. I was so worried about what she would think of me. Would she think that I was pretty? Would she like me? Probably the usual questions when meeting someone for the first time. However, when you're meeting your mom face to face for the first time at the age of 25...the emotions are crazy! I wanted SO bad to be accepted by her and have her approval. I was so nervous.

As I was waiting for her to get to my house, reality was setting in. I wondered what it was going to be like to actually see her. By now, her voice was very familiar and comforting to me. After all, we had talked to each other hundreds of times over the phone. I wondered if talking in person would be any different or less comfortable. I wondered if it was going to be one of those emotional, made for TV kind of reunions. I had lots of thoughts. That day, that time before she arrived is still so vivid. I remember looking out the window 500 times. I remember fixing the wreath on the door and sweeping off the stray leaves that had made their way onto the front porch again. I even walked out to the driveway and looked at my house, trying to get a 'picture' in my mind of what she would see when she drove up. Tired of pacing, I finally just sat on the couch and thought about how life could have been so different.

I finally heard her pull into my driveway. Peeking out the window, my eyes filled with tears as I saw her step out of her car and look around. There she was...my birth mom. My very own flesh and blood. Again, there are no words to fully describe the emotions of that moment. I quickly got myself together and opened the door to greet her. As she stepped through the doorway and embraced me, it was the best feeling. I am a very 'huggy' kind of person anyway, but I literally could feel how much she loved me in that one hug. I can't adequately describe the moment, but I can still feel it today.

There were not too many tears. Some teary moments, but nothing uncontrollable. She brought some photo albums of herself growing up and her family. I really enjoyed looking at them and hearing about and seeing everyone. We ate lunch together and discovered our favorite entree was the same. We discovered that we both had the same habit of pulling on the bottom of our shirt when we're talking or nervous. Silly things, but those silly little similarities meant a lot to me. We went and picked up my daughter from my friends' house. She was so great with her. We went and got ice cream and then went to my husband's game. I was so glad she got to meet the people in my life that meant the most to me. It was one of the best days of my life. I didn't want the day to end.

After she got home that night, she called me to tell me how wonderful the day was for her. She told me that she thought I was beautiful and I was a great wife and mom. She talked for a couple of hours. We both cried. I mainly listened as she shared her regrets with me and played her own 'what if' game. She said she wondered if she could have done it, if she could have just kept me. What would have happened to us? Would I have been as well adjusted. I felt for her. I think, more than anything, she was regretting the fact that she missed 25 years of my life. I understood probably more than she thought I did. I understood because I missed that with her too.