Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Roller Coasters and Tug of War

The roller coaster of emotions are back. On top of that, I feel like I am the rope in a fierce game of tug-of-war. Mom vs dad....AP's vs BP's...guilt vs desire...it's constant. I have not contacted my dad, yet. I have been messaging back and forth with my 15 year old brother. He is super sweet, funny, and extremely curious. A lot has unfolded and I have a lot of updating to do. But for now, I'm going to wait until I talk to my counselor and sort through some of my feelings before I post the latest details. I'm not sure what I think about all of it..or I haven't got to a point where I can verbalize what I'm thinking. It's differnet this time around because I kind of have a clue, but it is still scary. The neverending list of questions are there...What do I do? Where is this new door going to lead me? In the process of potentially pursuing a relationship with my dad and his family, will it ruin the relationship that I have with my mom? I haven't (and probably won't for a while) mentioned any of this to my AP's...I can only imagine what that will be like? Questions that bring up more questions that lead to other questions are constantly running through my mind. I've said on here so many times that I've never had a desire to know my dad or force a relationship. I was OK with the way things were. But, now that the opportunity is here, my feelings about it are beginning to change. I'm just hoping I make decisions because of desire and not because of guilt. I'm hoping that I deal with things in a healthy way. ::Sigh:: Roller coasters and tug-of-war -- will life ever be the same again?


  1. (((hugs))) Good luck with sorting through. It's so hard sometimes. I really hate the rollar coaster feeling. You're up one day and down the next. Hang on tight! You'll get through it...

  2. Jen, Take a deep breath and know that no matter what you choose, it is your choice. The roller coaster is just that and talking it out with your counselor would be cool. Can I ask you if your bio dad knows that you are speaking to your brother? The reason I ask is that the boy is a minor and sometimes parents that are not ready get very upset and withdraw immediately at an invasion into the family without their knowledge. No judgment, just a thought.

  3. I can relate to the roller coaster! The thing that stands out to me most is this...

    why would having a relationship with your birth father ruin the relationship you have with your birthmother?

    I know your ap's have made things difficult for you as far as your bio family is concerned and I totally get you wanting to tread lightly there, BUT why wouldn't your birthmom WANT you to know your birthfather just like you know her?

    It's where you came from and it is your right. As a birthmother myself I would totally support that relationship. There is enough room in your life for you to love all the different people who belong in it.

    I mean after all you never hear someone say they have too many aunts or uncles right? Or oh we don't talk to those cousins because we have too many anyway... =)

    Your family is just growing and getting bigger which is a good thing in my opinion because it means there are that many more people to love you!

  4. Jen, I'm so terribly sad that you have to worry about your a-parents in this. I know it happens a lot, but I don't think I'll ever get used to hearing it. Geez... (heavy sigh)... I feel like shaking a-parents who make their kid's search and reunion about them. Are you KIDDING ME? I hope you take strength and peace from the love you receive from your cyber-friends. We're all pulling for you, Jen!

  5. I just found your blog and read through the whole thing in just a few short hours. I want to thank you for sharing your story. I'm just going through reunion #2 and I too have been on the emotional roller coaster. It's so validating to hear some else having the same fears and anxiety that I've been living. I just started blogging my story here if you're interested: http://haleyandherfamilies.blogspot.com/ .

    I hope the very best for you as you journey on this rocky adoption road. Again, thank you for sharing. I cried with you today, and it was so good to know I'm not alone.