Where do I go from here?

I've asked myself that question a hundred times over. I wish I had an answer. Having been through reunion (and re-reunion) with my nmom, I figured I would have it all figured out by now. Or, at the very least, have a better idea of what to expect. I was wrong. I obviously have avoided blogging for the past month. I always wished that I knew about the forum, blogging, etc back when I was in my first reunion with my nmom. I thought it would have been SOOO wonderful to have the support of all my adoptee friends back when I was trying to make it through the throes of adoption and reunion. Well, here I am again in the same situation, however, I have totally neglected utilizing the support. Why? Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking and it all came down to three reasons.

First of all, I've avoided blogging because that's what I do. Anytime I am faced with a stressful situation, I typically try to avoid dealing with it. So, that's exactly what I did. Out of sight, out of mind? Not exactly, but in my mind if I wasn't "talking" about it, then I wasn't having to deal with it.

Secondly, I avoided blogging because I really was not sure how I was feeling. Of course there have been the roller coaster ups and downs, but for the most part, I was unsure and just needed some time to absorb what was happening. I didn't know what to say, what part of the journey to share, what advice to ask for, etc. I just needed time.

And finally, I avoided blogging because I felt guilty. Blogging has been a great source of therapy for me and I know that a lot of you find comfort in following and knowing that you are not alone. But sometimes I feel guilty talking about the difficulties of being reunited with my natural family when so many of you would give ANYTHING to have just a moment with yours. It's really been a struggle for me.

So, am I the only one that feels this way? I've thought about deleting my blog...AGAIN! I've thought about going private. I've thought about just continuing on with the next chapter of my reunion. I guess "un"avoiding is a great start! ;) Any way that I look at it, all thoughts lead back to the same question...Where do I go from here?

This crazy life

In my everyday life, it is fairly easy to go through the motions of the day. Regardless of the personal issues that may be welling up inside me, I am pretty good at masking things just to "get by". I like to stay busy...ALL.THE.TIME. Rarely does a day go by that I do not have something to do. Planned or not, I keep my days (and nights) busy.

I used to just think that I am a busy person. I like to have LOTS to do. That may be true in part, but my friends (and then reiterated by my counselor) helped me to see otherwise. It's really not so much that I stay busy because I LIKE it, it's more because it keeps me from thinking. It's become a way for me to cope. I mean, REALLY...who likes to ponder about their life's struggles? Obviously, not me. It's funny...the things we do to make it through.

I had a conversation with my nmom the other day that kind of spurred my thoughts. We were talking about Christmas and our plans which led to her inviting me to come spend some of Christmas Eve with her dad, sister, nieces/nephews, etc. and then that led us into a conversation about us...me...where/how I fit into the family. When it's just her and I, it's relatively easy. However, those times that I'm hit with the realization that there is a whole family out there that I am related to, but do not know, that's when it's a little harder.

I want to fit in and be a part of the family, but it's really REALLY hard for me right now. I still have a lot of reservations about who I am and my place in the family, especially with the second rejection. It's hard to put myself out there for fear that I may be hurt again. I wish it wasn't so complicating and emotion-filled, but it is what it is. I'm learning to deal.

So, how do you all balance the holidays with your family/friends, first mom, and adoptive family? It is beyond overwhelming to me. For this year, I know that I will not be joining my natural family on Christmas Eve. I am not emotionally ready for it and do not know if/when I'll ever be. I'm sure time will give me plenty of opportunities to think and hopefully provide some clarity. It usually does.

Who's your daddy?

So...I know who my daddy is. I also know that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I've seen him, twice. He didn't know who I was at the time, so it was kind of cool and kind of creepy all the same. I didn't talk to him. I didn't run over to him and give him a hug. I didn't call him repeatedly over the course of a few months begging for his love and acceptance. I did absolutely nothing, but sit in a chair about 10 feet from him and glance his way periodically so not to seem like I was staring. Ok...so, why?

When I think about my birth mom and the idea of her abandoning me again, it breaks my heart. Her absence in my life is so notable. I know I say that a lot, but it is so, so true. My relationship with her is very important to me. I just don't understand why I don't feel the same way about my birth father. Does anyone else feel this way about either parent?

I don't know if it is because she found me and showed interest from the beginning. I don't know if it is because I blame him for not 'being a man' and helping my mom financially so she could keep me. I don't know if it is because I am so emotionally drained from figuring out my relationship with my birth mom that I don't feel like I have room for him. I've wondered if it is because I am a girl and I relate better to my mom. I just don't know.

I guess I don't really have any answers. All things adoption, for me, usually end in a long series of questions and then me saying, "I just don't know." ::sigh:: Maybe one day it will all click and start making sense, but I'm not holding my breath.