Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Who's your daddy?

So...I know who my daddy is. I also know that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I've seen him, twice. He didn't know who I was at the time, so it was kind of cool and kind of creepy all the same. I didn't talk to him. I didn't run over to him and give him a hug. I didn't call him repeatedly over the course of a few months begging for his love and acceptance. I did absolutely nothing, but sit in a chair about 10 feet from him and glance his way periodically so not to seem like I was staring., why?

When I think about my birth mom and the idea of her abandoning me again, it breaks my heart. Her absence in my life is so notable. I know I say that a lot, but it is so, so true. My relationship with her is very important to me. I just don't understand why I don't feel the same way about my birth father. Does anyone else feel this way about either parent?

I don't know if it is because she found me and showed interest from the beginning. I don't know if it is because I blame him for not 'being a man' and helping my mom financially so she could keep me. I don't know if it is because I am so emotionally drained from figuring out my relationship with my birth mom that I don't feel like I have room for him. I've wondered if it is because I am a girl and I relate better to my mom. I just don't know.

I guess I don't really have any answers. All things adoption, for me, usually end in a long series of questions and then me saying, "I just don't know." ::sigh:: Maybe one day it will all click and start making sense, but I'm not holding my breath.


  1. I think it is because we are more "connected" with our Mothers. We were one with them for 9 months. I have found that an overwhelming majority of adoptees have similar feelings.

    For me, the relationship I have with my first Dad was unexpected, and a life saver for me.

  2. Yep, agree we do have more connection.Quite often it seems the fathers 'got away with it'..mine had a wife and four kids at home and walked away.I can't even prove paternity even though his kids accept me as their half-sib.He's dead, we never met but I never wanted to, quite a bit of anger for a long time at how he hadn't suffered but my mother had.
    So many questions.....

  3. Yes, I agree with the connection. It makes sense. I just didn't know if I was the only one out there that had no desire to get to know my father. My mom told me that she had planned to keep me her entire pregnancy. Her mom tried to get her to get an abortion early on, but she wouldn't do it. She wanted her baby. She and my dad had "made a plan" and he was going to get a job, find a place for them to live, and they were going to make it work. Weeks before I was born, he still had not followed through on any of his promises and my mom was scared I would suffer and have a terrible life because that is what she was told repeatedly. She even went to a home for unwed mothers, but said that was a terrible experience in itself. Her mom convinced her it was best for all involved if she placed me for adoption. So, TWO weeks before I was born, that's what she did. SO...any wonder why I despise my birth father? I don't like to be angry, but he has shown that he never, ever cared about me. So why should I waste any of my emotions on him?

  4. Could his age at the time of your birth be a factor at all? If you are angry at him and can't get over that it may not be worth it to reach out to him, but don't you want to hear his side of the story (because there are two sides to every story)?

    I am a first mom and placed my son for adoption at the age of 17. His birth father was only a year older than me. So when our son was born he was just getting ready to graduate from high school. We were both young and he was scared so he did what his parents told him to do, which was to never speak to me again once they found out I was pregnant and that he would be signing his rights away no matter what I chose ~ to keep or to place. He walked away from me at 8 weeks along and we didn't talk again until he came to the hospital to say good bye to his son once he was born.

    I have done a lot to show my son (since he turned 18 and even with the things I sent with him as a newborn) how much I love him and his birth father has done nothing. However, if you talk to the birth father he would tell you he wishes he had stood up for himself and made a different choice. Back then he chose NOT to choose. I know every day of his life he has regretted that and wishes he would've made a choice...and that would have been to keep his son rather than listen to his parents.

    If our son took his birth father's silence as "he didn't want me" then he might miss out on that relationship or feeling the love his birth father has always had for him.

    I have tried not to talk negatively about my son's birth father to him, but I think depending on the level of anger, hurt and frustration on the birth mother's part, this could be hard. If your bmom has painted your bfather in a light that makes him look like he didn't care, that is still just her side of the story.

    I guess I would always just wonder and wouldn't be able to just leave it alone without even asking him how he feels first. He is the only one who can tell you how he feels.

    I do wonder about the gender and connection level as well though because I fear that as our son gets to know us that he will connect more with his bfather than me because they are both male??? It's too soon to tell just yet.

    No matter what you choose to do I hope you can get some peace and closure in the situation.

  5. The connection to mom is made in womb, so to speak. My father once told me that he loved all his children, but it wasn't until they were born that they were ever "real" to him. Even then it took a little bit to bond. He was a good man and I believe him...some fathers are ok from the beginning - but the truth is the connection to mother is very deep.

    My daughter only knew her father as an infant - not his fault - and one meeting as a toddler. He was a very good man and a good person, who died very young - the day before he would have turn 25. He had gone to another state to school so he could support us. We never planned adoption or even considered it - it was thrust upon me after a lot of trickery, lies and basic humiliation and fear - not for me, for her.

    She has no interest at all in his side of the family and barely any interest in either my family or me. I am not sure she ever will.