Wednesday, July 14, 2010

A second chance?

I did a post a few weeks ago about regrets. I mentioned within that post that I did have some regrets about how I have handled things along my reunion journey, but I am learning as I go. Since the past cannot be changed, I can only learn from my regrets and hopefully not make the same mistakes again. But, sometimes those second chances come quicker than you think.

This coming Saturday would have been my natural grandmother's 69th birthday. One evening while I was on the phone with my birth mom, she started talking about her mom's upcoming birthday and how hard that day was going to be. I realize that 'firsts' are always hard when you lose someone you love, so we talked about that. The next day, she called to ask me if I would want to go to the cemetery with her and a few family members to put flowers on her mom's grave, then go eat dinner and visit.

I'm sure you're probably thinking I am totally crazy for even momentarily thinking about saying I can't make it. It's so hard for me. I want to see my birth mom. It makes me feel really good to know she wants to include me. I want to be a part of my family. So, why is it so hard? What am I afraid of? I read other adoptee's blogs and am sometimes jealous about the relationship they have with their natural family. It seems so easy, natural, and unforced. I am SO afraid of rejection, that I am maybe a little too guarded. I worry about what people may say, how I will feel, will I be accepted.

So you may be again wondering, "Why is this so hard? What are you thinking?" Well...for me, it all goes back to the very reason why I was placed for adoption. It wasn't because my mom was only 17 and unwed. She had an 18 year old, unwed sister that had two children and one of them was being raised by her mom. She had to give me away because of my race. The fact that my father was black was a huge problem. Unfortunately for them, I cannot change that. I am who I am. I worry that my natural family may not accept me for who I am. If their reactions, issues, etc cause problems with my birth mom, it may lead to more rejection. I want to get past this. I want to be there for my birth mom. I want to do this for myself, but I'm so scared.

My birth mom and I talk quite frequently. Our conversations are good and I always get off the phone feeling better about our relationship then I did before. I have pessimistically waited for the ball to drop, the phone calls to end, the rejection to rear it's ugly head yet again, but so far I have seen nothing like that. I know she loves me and always has. I can hear it in her voice. She has told me too many times to count. She is my mom and I want to be there for her. I'm just scared.

Well, I have a couple of days to decide. She is not at all pressuring me, but I am putting a lot of pressure on myself. Why does it have to be so hard? This is one of those moments that I want to curse the day I was conceived. I didn't ask for any of this, but it is what it is. I've been given a second chance. It's up to me what I choose to do with it.


  1. ((Jen)) You are so right- it is what it is...and it is always hard. Sometimes the fear of rejection is paralyzing.

  2. Fear is so difficult, so is rejection but you won't know until you try.You're a beautiful person and times have hopefully changed.Good luck with your decision!

  3. I've cursed the day I was conceived more times than I care to admit...such a craptastic feeling. Adoption..the gift that keeps on giving.

    Hugs honey..

  4. I think it's better to regret doing something than NOT doing something.

    I think we all have the fear of being rejected, adopted or not, but if you don't put yourself out there you can't make the positive connections you so desperately need and want.

    I am in no way saying it's easy or your fears are not valid, just that I hope you can start to build on each positive experience you have with your birth mother. Good luck!

  5. Thank you all for the encouragement. After talking to my birth mom tonight, I have decided to go. The fear of rejection is almost crippling, but I everything will get easier with time. I never knew how much I needed her and wanted her in my life until she found me. I want to do everything I can to build our relationship. Even if it means putting myself out there, again. You all are so right, it is much better to regret something you did then to regret not doing anything at all. If she means what she says, then she will be there in the end. Thanks again for your encouragement. I definitely needed it!

  6. Yeah, yeah, yeah! I am so happy for you that you were able to realize what you need to do for your relationship to move forward! Even though the fear of rejection is crippling now, I think with each positive interaction you have with your birth mother that will lessen! So happy for you! Can't wait to hear how it turns out.

  7. @Jen, I wish my daughter knew you. We have been in reunion for almost a decade, most of it in silence. I don't know how to help her know that rejection, at least on this side, does not exist for her in my world. goes on.

  8. Jen,
    Thank you so much for writing down your brutally honest perspective of being adopted. I am a birthmom of 18 years. We are in full reunion since my daughters 18th birthday - Ferbruary 2010. I know she hasn't always been happy to be placed for adoption. I do also know she loves her aparents. I'm sure she sometimes does feel disloyal to them by having a relationship with me and her 3 half siblings. I'm so glad adoptees are starting to speak out about the "happiness" of being adopted.