Where do I go from here?

I've asked myself that question a hundred times over. I wish I had an answer. Having been through reunion (and re-reunion) with my nmom, I figured I would have it all figured out by now. Or, at the very least, have a better idea of what to expect. I was wrong. I obviously have avoided blogging for the past month. I always wished that I knew about the forum, blogging, etc back when I was in my first reunion with my nmom. I thought it would have been SOOO wonderful to have the support of all my adoptee friends back when I was trying to make it through the throes of adoption and reunion. Well, here I am again in the same situation, however, I have totally neglected utilizing the support. Why? Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking and it all came down to three reasons.

First of all, I've avoided blogging because that's what I do. Anytime I am faced with a stressful situation, I typically try to avoid dealing with it. So, that's exactly what I did. Out of sight, out of mind? Not exactly, but in my mind if I wasn't "talking" about it, then I wasn't having to deal with it.

Secondly, I avoided blogging because I really was not sure how I was feeling. Of course there have been the roller coaster ups and downs, but for the most part, I was unsure and just needed some time to absorb what was happening. I didn't know what to say, what part of the journey to share, what advice to ask for, etc. I just needed time.

And finally, I avoided blogging because I felt guilty. Blogging has been a great source of therapy for me and I know that a lot of you find comfort in following and knowing that you are not alone. But sometimes I feel guilty talking about the difficulties of being reunited with my natural family when so many of you would give ANYTHING to have just a moment with yours. It's really been a struggle for me.

So, am I the only one that feels this way? I've thought about deleting my blog...AGAIN! I've thought about going private. I've thought about just continuing on with the next chapter of my reunion. I guess "un"avoiding is a great start! ;) Any way that I look at it, all thoughts lead back to the same question...Where do I go from here?

A few questions answered

I'm so sorry it's been a long time since I've posted. I've been so busy. It doesn't look like things are going to settle down anytime soon, so I thought I'd take some time to answer a few questions from this post. They've really made me think. That's been a good thing. I tend to ignore real issues, so actually having to reflect isn't bad from time to time! :)

I thought I could answer them all in one post, but I'll have to break it up. I am sure many of you reading may have differing opinions about my responses to some of the following questions, and that's fine. Feel free to add in your comments. I'd actually love to hear how some of you would respond to these questions, so feel free to comment away.

My daughter's birthday is Sat and she agreed that I could send her a gift. I sent her a really nice doll along with a toy car, because we joked about how I wouldn't send a car and she was like asking if I could try. She was joking. In the same box she will get a card that is a daughter card. Then, she will also get flowers with me and my sons signing it. This is the first birthday since I found her and we have yet to me. Do you think I over did it? No, I do not. Would you get mad if your birthmom claimed you as her daughter? Not at all, however, I am sure this is different for everyone. The first time my mom introduced me to someone as her daughter has been in the past couple of months (8 years into reunion). It completely caught me off guard, but it meant a lot to me. For me, it was a turning point in our relationship where I realized that she wasn’t embarrassed of me and really thought of me as a part of her and the family. Figuring out who I was to my natural family has been very difficult for me. I didn’t want to be the one to ask what was ok and not ok. Trying to find my place in a world where I always belonged but was never a part of has been the most difficult part of the whole reunion process.

I've been wondering if you have considered contacting your ndad? Good question. I just talked to my nmom about this the other night. The answer to this is still no. It may be hard for others to understand why. It’s been hard for me. In thinking about it more, the main reason I don’t want to contact him is because I have yet to feel like he actually cares or wants a relationship with me. If you’ve read my blog at all, you know that having a relationship with my mom has been extremely important to me. Having her in my life gives me a feeling of completion. I can’t say, at least not yet, that I’ve ever felt that way about my natural father. I have seen him on a couple of different occasions. They were both very crazy, surreal experiences. However, I have yet to feel that desire to want him in my life. Quite honestly, figuring out everything with my mom has been difficult enough. I’m not quite sure my heart is ready to go down that road.

Have your parents met your mom? No, they have not. Had any communication with her (cards,letters)? No to this one too. Would you like them to be "friends", or would you rather keep them "separate"? I don’t know if they can ever be “friends”, but I do not wish to keep them separate either. How do your parents feel about meeting/communicating with her? I would love for them to have a cordial relationship. It would make everything 100 times easier. My nmom is very open about wanting to meet my ap’s. My ap’s, mainly my amom, have not seemed to share that same desire. I would love for them to all be able to come together for my kids’ activities, parties, etc but, as of now, I am not sure if that’s ever going to be the case.

Do you think of your birth mother as an actual mother like you think of your amom or is the relationship different, more like good friends? I definitely think of my nmom as a mother. I mean, why would I not? She is just that…my mother!:) I also think of her as a friend, too. She's easy to talk to and she cares about my life in a way that I never had from my amom. When I talk to her, she genuinely seems interested in what's going on in my life. I must admit, at first, I didn’t know how I felt about her...Or I guess I should rephrase that to say that I didn't know how I was 'supposed' to feel about her. Since my ap’s were beyond devastated about her ‘finding’ me, I felt that it was not at all acceptable to take her in as my mom. She gave me up, I guess I was supposed to say, “To hell with you.” I had to get to a point where I was no longer shamed into feeling guilty for loving my nmom and wanting her in my life. When I got to that point, it was easier.

How soon were you ok with hearing that your birth mother loved you? As in her saying "I love you". I don’t think I could of heard that one soon enough. I had wondered my entire life if she really did love me. I wondered if it was easy for her to give me up. I wanted to know that she cared and had wondered about me her entire life. For me, that was very, very important. I wanted to hear her say that she did love me, it was a hard decision, and if she could go back and change it she would in a heartbeat. I think I lived every day of my life wanting to hear her say that was how she truly felt. Feeling rejected by your mother, your flesh and blood, is not a good feeling. If you feel like your own mother doesn’t love you, then you wonder who ever will.

I will try to finish up the other questions and post in the next few days. Thanks for making me 'think'! :)

Ask me anything....well, ALMOST anything :)

I have enjoyed a little blogging hiatus, but am slowly getting back into the swing of things. School has started, and even though I am very, very busy, I must say that I truly enjoy the time I have to sit, catch up on old blogs, and blog myself. I was told by a therapist that blogging would be a very good outlet for me. She could not be any closer to the truth. I do enjoy it and it's better than journaling because I almost always get feedback! Yay! :)

Anyway, my good friend Christina gave me the idea to do a little "ask me anything" post. I say ALMOST anything jokingly. I really don't mind answering any questions. Now if we were having this conversation one on one, that may be a little different! But since I don't have to look you in the eye and admit how twisted and warped I truly am, I'm game for whatever! So, I digress...I have received several e-mails over the past few months about me, adoption, feelings, etc and I have happily answered them. However, I was thinking that this could be a great time to let everyone get in on a little therapy session. You never know when someone else may be wondering the answers to the very same question(s) you've asked, but didn't want to ask themselves. I want everyone to be heard. This journey pretty much sucks a large portion of the time, but if I can use my experience to help others I don't feel like the roller coaster of emotions ware all for nothing! :)

So...any burning questions out there???? If you could ask me any question, what would it be?Ask away, and in a day or two I'll gladly answer them the best that I can! Fire away...

Who's your daddy?

So...I know who my daddy is. I also know that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I've seen him, twice. He didn't know who I was at the time, so it was kind of cool and kind of creepy all the same. I didn't talk to him. I didn't run over to him and give him a hug. I didn't call him repeatedly over the course of a few months begging for his love and acceptance. I did absolutely nothing, but sit in a chair about 10 feet from him and glance his way periodically so not to seem like I was staring. Ok...so, why?

When I think about my birth mom and the idea of her abandoning me again, it breaks my heart. Her absence in my life is so notable. I know I say that a lot, but it is so, so true. My relationship with her is very important to me. I just don't understand why I don't feel the same way about my birth father. Does anyone else feel this way about either parent?

I don't know if it is because she found me and showed interest from the beginning. I don't know if it is because I blame him for not 'being a man' and helping my mom financially so she could keep me. I don't know if it is because I am so emotionally drained from figuring out my relationship with my birth mom that I don't feel like I have room for him. I've wondered if it is because I am a girl and I relate better to my mom. I just don't know.

I guess I don't really have any answers. All things adoption, for me, usually end in a long series of questions and then me saying, "I just don't know." ::sigh:: Maybe one day it will all click and start making sense, but I'm not holding my breath.