I've asked myself that question a hundred times over. I wish I had an answer. Having been through reunion (and re-reunion) with my nmom, I figured I would have it all figured out by now. Or, at the very least, have a better idea of what to expect. I was wrong. I obviously have avoided blogging for the past month. I always wished that I knew about the forum, blogging, etc back when I was in my first reunion with my nmom. I thought it would have been SOOO wonderful to have the support of all my adoptee friends back when I was trying to make it through the throes of adoption and reunion. Well, here I am again in the same situation, however, I have totally neglected utilizing the support. Why? Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking and it all came down to three reasons.
First of all, I've avoided blogging because that's what I do. Anytime I am faced with a stressful situation, I typically try to avoid dealing with it. So, that's exactly what I did. Out of sight, out of mind? Not exactly, but in my mind if I wasn't "talking" about it, then I wasn't having to deal with it.
Secondly, I avoided blogging because I really was not sure how I was feeling. Of course there have been the roller coaster ups and downs, but for the most part, I was unsure and just needed some time to absorb what was happening. I didn't know what to say, what part of the journey to share, what advice to ask for, etc. I just needed time.
And finally, I avoided blogging because I felt guilty. Blogging has been a great source of therapy for me and I know that a lot of you find comfort in following and knowing that you are not alone. But sometimes I feel guilty talking about the difficulties of being reunited with my natural family when so many of you would give ANYTHING to have just a moment with yours. It's really been a struggle for me.
So, am I the only one that feels this way? I've thought about deleting my blog...AGAIN! I've thought about going private. I've thought about just continuing on with the next chapter of my reunion. I guess "un"avoiding is a great start! ;) Any way that I look at it, all thoughts lead back to the same question...Where do I go from here?
Unavoiding is a great start, if we don't tell the truth of how hard it is for some of us the myths will persist that it is easy, wonderful and full of joy.Just like the rest of adoption really.I've just closed the foor on my father's family and have no regrets.Von
ReplyDeleteJen, you simply put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Sometimes it helps to sort tasks and needs according to what is necessary now, what can wait til tomorrow and the rest, well, as it happens....
ReplyDeleteAs far as the mother thing and the up and down thing, you have to know this.....she is probably as lost as you.
I've thought about going private a few times. But then I get this amazing comment, and decide to keep things open for a bit longer until I have to go private.
ReplyDeleteI think that if blogging makes you feel better, than keep going. No stress. Whatever helps you to process. If that's blogging, than that's what you do. If blogging makes things worse, than take a break. We'd all miss you of course, but you need to do what's best for YOU!
Don't feel guilty when talking about the difficulties! Yes, compared to some you may have a "better" reunion story, but compared to others yours is harder. No reunion is easy, no reunion is perfect. By telling your journey, you may very well be giving insight to someone going through the very same thing. Also, by reading the parts of your journey that are better than theirs at the moment, you may be giving them hope for a better relationship in the future.
ReplyDeleteYour posts help me see what my son may be thinking, they help me to know how something I say that I mean in one way may be interpreted by him in completely a different way. In effect, you are helping my reunion to be a better one.
So. Where do you go from here? One step at a time, one day at a time, and by doing what is best for YOU ~ nobody else.
I am just coming back to blogging too...for me it is so cathartic and soothes my soul. But sometimes I need a break. Don't beat yourself up about needing to take a step back.
ReplyDeleteI owe you a long email....I have missed you! <3