The Next Chapter

Well...it has been an EXTREMELY busy summer around my house. I have sat down to post several times, but just couldn't think of what I wanted to say. So tonight, I decided I would begin to share the story of the next chapter. It'll take a few posts to get it all out there, so bear with me...

I started talking to my mom about the friend of my dad's that was sending me messages on Facebook. I did not know who she was and where this was all coming from. It was so random. I questioned if my dad really wanted to contact me or if this was just a curious friend. The friend left me a number to call to talk to my dad, but I just couldn't do it. I was scared.

Over the week or so that followed, my mom was having an extremely difficult time with everything. It was like she was reliving my relinquishment, regretting what she did, wishing things had played out differently, talking about how my dad was absolutely no help and didn't care about her while she was pregnant or me. It was awful. She kept telling me that I should not trust him or this "friend" of his. She felt like it was all some plan to hurt me because he didn't care about me...and according to her, he never cared.

I felt like I was reliving everything that happened when I told my AP's about my bmom finding me and wanting to be a part of my life. I was confused, I didn't know what to do. In the meantime, I am still getting messages from my dad's friend. I had started answering my brother's messages. He would send several a day. I asked him if his mom knew about me and he said yes. He would tell me things about my dad and my other brothers. We would message back and forth about lots of things. I even asked him, at one point, if he knew who this frined was. He never responded. I like messaging him because it wasn't heavy. We would talk about sports and things we liked and stuff. It was fun getting to know him. It was the first real sibling relationship that I had. I knew my half-brother from my mom, but he rarely talked to me and was not interested at all in having any kind of a relationship. So, this brother wanting to find out about me made me feel really good. I don't think I had ever felt that from anyone in my biological family. Definitely not my half-brother and not fully from my mom.

My mom kept warning me about getting my brother involved. She would call me and talk to me for hours on the phone crying and worried about me and what was going to happen. She kept telling me that she didn't trust my dad and she didn't think his wife would be OK with me. I told her that my brother had said that she knew and my mom told me that she didn't believe it. She warned me about how my dad was and how he's had 9 years to get to know me and he's refused to even try. My brother had asked for my number so we could text and my mom told me that it was not a good idea to give it to him because then my dad might find out and start calling me. My head was spinning. I didn't know what to do. I was slowly realizing that talking to my mom about my dad was not helping the situation.

After the fourth or fifth message that I got from my dad's friend, my mom asked me to give her the phone number the friend gave me and she would call and find out who it was. I did...looking back, maybe not such a great idea but I was at a loss. She called and ended up talking to my dad. What happened next?? NOt at all what I was expecting. But then again, what about reunion goes as expected? I'm still waiting for that moment.

Roller Coasters and Tug of War

The roller coaster of emotions are back. On top of that, I feel like I am the rope in a fierce game of tug-of-war. Mom vs dad....AP's vs BP's...guilt vs desire...it's constant. I have not contacted my dad, yet. I have been messaging back and forth with my 15 year old brother. He is super sweet, funny, and extremely curious. A lot has unfolded and I have a lot of updating to do. But for now, I'm going to wait until I talk to my counselor and sort through some of my feelings before I post the latest details. I'm not sure what I think about all of it..or I haven't got to a point where I can verbalize what I'm thinking. It's differnet this time around because I kind of have a clue, but it is still scary. The neverending list of questions are there...What do I do? Where is this new door going to lead me? In the process of potentially pursuing a relationship with my dad and his family, will it ruin the relationship that I have with my mom? I haven't (and probably won't for a while) mentioned any of this to my AP's...I can only imagine what that will be like? Questions that bring up more questions that lead to other questions are constantly running through my mind. I've said on here so many times that I've never had a desire to know my dad or force a relationship. I was OK with the way things were. But, now that the opportunity is here, my feelings about it are beginning to change. I'm just hoping I make decisions because of desire and not because of guilt. I'm hoping that I deal with things in a healthy way. ::Sigh:: Roller coasters and tug-of-war -- will life ever be the same again?

Blindsided

You know, the craziest things happen when you're not looking for them. At least for me. Finding my husband, getting pregnant with twins, losing my twins, finding out I was pregnant with my 3rd, and , of course, my reunion with my mom totally blindsided me. Those are the first situations that popped in my head that were completely unexpected. I wasn't looking or expecting any of those things to happen, but they did. Some of those situations were for the better and some of them I'm still trying to figure out "why". Regardless, they all came when I least expected it.

Well...as you have probably guessed by now...I have been blindsided once again.

As I was getting ready to leave for school yesterday morning, I noticed that I had an email notifying me of a message someone left for me on facebook. So, I clicked on it just to see who it was. I didn't recognize the name so I started reading the message:

I am helping a friend search for their daughter...we believe you are her call me @ ***-***-****. His name is (first name) (last name), he is your dad

My first thought, being as naive as I can sometimes, was "Oh, someone must be randomly searching for a family member and came across my name." However, when I got to the last line and saw his first and last name, I thought I was going to pass out. It was insane. According to my mom, he's known that she's been in contact with me for 9 years. Why is he trying to find me now? He knows how to get in touch with her. Why isn't he just calling her? Who in the world is this "friend" that's trying to help him? The questions just kept coming.

I sent my mom a text and asked her if she knew the friend by name. She, of course, didn't. I told her the rest of the situation and she said she knew nothing about it and she'd call me after work and we could figure it all out. So I went to school and went on with my normal routine. I thought about the situation off and on all day and wondered what I should do.

I've mentioned before that I don't know how I feel about meeting my dad. It has been so emotionally draining trying to figure out my relationship with my mom that I honestly don;t know if I can pursue another relationship right now. Plus, this one was easy because it was his friend, not him. I thought if he wanted to talk to me, find me, whatever, he could do it himself. It may sound kind of bratty but, unfortunately, my heart is a bit guarded right now. I don't want to be hurt.

When I got home from school, I got on facebook to see if this friend of his had any pictures or other info on her page. She didn't. All it showed was where she lived and that she was a 'she'. No profile pic or anything. I started talking to my husband about it when I noticed another message had popped up. I clicked on it and I read:

I was wondering if you are my sister. (My first, maiden and last names). Daughter of (my mom's first and last name). I was wondering if you know your birth dads name?

I just about died! What on earth is happening? My dad is supposedly looking for me and then my half brother sends me a message the same day looking for me. I could handle the "friend of my dad" situation because it wasn't him, just a friend. But my brother? I don't want to leave him hanging. He has a picture of him with what looks like a girlfriend or something as his profile pic. No other information. I text my mom and she called and told me that he was my dad's middle son with his current wife. He's in high school.

So, like I said...the craziest things happen when you're not looking for them. I haven't messaged anybody back. It just happened yesterday and I'm trying to process it all. What do I want? What should I do? What will I regret if I don't? You know...all the good questions that roll through your mind. I think I might respond to the friend and give her my e-mail and tell her he can contact me that way. i don;t want to call and talk to a complete stranger. As far as my brother's message,I want to respond just to say I got it and yes, I know my birth dad's name. I'm not sure what he wants or is expecting. He's young and obviously has no idea what he's getting himself into. But, really, who does? I know I don't!

Who's your daddy?

So...I know who my daddy is. I also know that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I've seen him, twice. He didn't know who I was at the time, so it was kind of cool and kind of creepy all the same. I didn't talk to him. I didn't run over to him and give him a hug. I didn't call him repeatedly over the course of a few months begging for his love and acceptance. I did absolutely nothing, but sit in a chair about 10 feet from him and glance his way periodically so not to seem like I was staring. Ok...so, why?

When I think about my birth mom and the idea of her abandoning me again, it breaks my heart. Her absence in my life is so notable. I know I say that a lot, but it is so, so true. My relationship with her is very important to me. I just don't understand why I don't feel the same way about my birth father. Does anyone else feel this way about either parent?

I don't know if it is because she found me and showed interest from the beginning. I don't know if it is because I blame him for not 'being a man' and helping my mom financially so she could keep me. I don't know if it is because I am so emotionally drained from figuring out my relationship with my birth mom that I don't feel like I have room for him. I've wondered if it is because I am a girl and I relate better to my mom. I just don't know.

I guess I don't really have any answers. All things adoption, for me, usually end in a long series of questions and then me saying, "I just don't know." ::sigh:: Maybe one day it will all click and start making sense, but I'm not holding my breath.

A fairytale ending...

...it was not. :( I didn't finish the post yesterday because I felt like they have all been so drab and depressing. I thought maybe a little fantasy world would be a nice change. Anyway...back to the story.

As I made eye contact with my bdad and he smiled and nodded, my first thought was 'I have to go tell him who I am.' My birth mom did not have very encouraging things to say about him when we were talking. I knew she had told him about me and that we were talking. He told her that he did not want to have anything to do with me because his wife would not be ok with it. I also knew that he had 2 other children that he did not have any kind of a relationship with either. So what made me so special? I definitely was not in the mood for rejection. However, the fact that my birth mom wasn't talking to me made me want to reach out to him that much more, but something kept holding me back. I am sure it was fear..the unknown. I didn't know if I even wanted to go there. Needless to say, the moment came and went and I didn't do anything about it.

His boys were there for a week. They were in 6th. 7th, and 8th grade. Much too young to be drug into the situation, I thought. Since my husband works there, I usually go there several times throughout the week with the kids to hang out and visit. That week, I did not go one time. I didn't know what to do. If he happened to be there again, what would I say? Would I leave him alone and pretend to not know that he is my dad or do I throw caution in the wind and belt out the news to him that would surely cause him to panic. I couldn't think anymore. I was so sad and confused. Once again, I hated myself, my life, my adoption. WHY did it have to happen? More then anything, I missed my birth mom. I would have given anything to talk to her at that moment. Ask her if she would come down and approach him with me or see if she would call and tell him the story of how I saw him. I really missed her.

I was given the very same opportunity the following summer. Same camp, same scenario...he leaning against the wall talking to everyone who passed. When he caught me looking his way, this time he smiled and said, 'How are you doing?'. There were soooo many ways I could have answered that question. I chose the easy route and said, "Fine, thank you."

That was the last encounter I had with him. I know his name and where he lives. I am sure I could easily find his address. I could write him a letter and explain everything. But the truth is, I am scared. I don't know if I'm ready for the risk. I am so afraid it's not going to work out. No matter what I tell myself going into it, if it doesn't work out I will be devastated...again. I'm just tired and fearful for the unknown. I put it all out on the line for my birth mom, and I think because of that I have become a little more guarded. I may later regret not having a conversation with him, but for now it's something I am willing to live with until I feel like I have the strength to pursue another relationship with my natural family.

A chance encounter

Life goes on because it has to, NOT that I wanted it to. I thought about her all of the time. I had my days where I was so angry at her I couldn't see straight. She only lived an hour and a half away, so I contemplated driving to her house. I wanted her to look me in the eyes and tell me what I did wrong, why she was mad, and why she's completely turning her back on me again. I don't know what kept me from doing just that. Some of it was probably fear. I was afraid what I would find if I did that. I finally learned that this was my life now. I was grateful for the time we had together. I decided it was time to move on. It had to.

Over a year had passed since I had last talked to my birth mom. I still thought about her often and wondered where she was and how she was doing, but I moved on the best I could. I stayed busy with my kids, hanging out with my friends, teaching, gardening, and in the summers I helped at a camp that my husband helped direct. Busying myself was, and still is, how I cope with things. Basically, I don't cope, I just stay as busy as I possibly can so I don't have to think. Good plan, right?

Anyway, I was working registration at camp one afternoon with another girl. I overheard the girl I was working with talking to some campers' mom about the same hometown where I was born. Anytime I heard talk about my birthplace, my ears perked up a little. For one, it is in fact where i was born so that sparks some interest. It also is a very small town and if they grew up there, chances are they could very well know about me and my family. I look at them and wonder if somehow I am related to them or if they knew my biological family.

As the mother of the campers was writing a check to pay their camp balance, I asked the girl I was working with what their last name was. She showed me their registration card. I gasped as I read the name on the card. Would you believe me if I told you that they had the SAME last name as my biological dad? Turns out, it was the wife of my biological father and she was registering their three boys....my half brothers. Crazy!!!!

My heart skipped a beat as I was processing all of this. I quickly scoured over the small crowd that was there looking to see if I saw my biological dad. And I did. He was standing about twenty feet away from me, leaning against the wall and talking to a group of people. He caught me looking his way, tilted his hat and smiled at me. (Just being friendly. He didn't have a clue who I was. ) OMG...I could not get over it. What are the odds that this would happen? There in front of me was my DAD! I could not get over it. A million things raced through my mind (of course, my first thought was "I have to call my birth mom! She will not believe this!" I did later that evening. She did not answer or return my call though.)

So, what do you think I did? I'm interested to hear how you all would write the rest of this story. We need to have a little fun in all of this. The last few posts have been pretty depressing! Let me know how you think this encounter ended and I will tell the rest of the story tomorrow!