Friday, February 4, 2011

Random Reunion Thoughts

10 years ago, I never, ever would have admitted that I wanted to know my first mom. If somone asked, I would always quickly reply with, "OH, no!! Of course not! I could never do that to my parents. They were the ones that raised me. That just wouldn't be fair to them." And, I actually thought I meant it.

Well, fast forward to THE day..translated into THE day I found out that she was looking for me, THE day my world turned upside down...and that is all I could think about. She wanted me. She was looking for me. Then I have all this anger directed toward my ap's that I never knew exisited. It literally came out of nowhere. I was so angry at them for making me feel guilty for wanting a relationship with her. I was so hurt that they didn't at least attempt to be supportive and try to understand. I didn't care if it was genuine...just fake it...just pretend to be happy for me so I knew that what I was persuing was ok.

I loved many things about my reunion. Of course the emotions and figuring out 'stuff' was hard, but I LOVED getting to know my mom, and about the family, meeting people I was related to and finding out where I came from. I loved it, until she went away. Just like that, she was gone, again, out of my life. Then I spent the next few years angry at her. I was upset and so guilt-ridden that I ever was angry with my ap's. Angry that I invested so much of my heart into a relationship with her. I was so mad and so hurt.

Four years later, after many hours of counseling and a lot of growing up, I finally reached a point where I was ready to move on. I felt so much peace about it. I truly was ready to let go. Then it happens...she returns. And so it begins, all over again. The emotions can overtake me sometimes.

It has now been a year since my first mom came back into my life after our first reunion...I refer to it as our "re"reunion. Things have been pretty good with us, however, this re-reunion anniversary also marks the tragic death of her mom, her best friend. As you can imagine, that has been very difficult for her. It has also made things much more difficult for us. I always felt that our re-reunion was her way of filling the void that the loss of her mother placed in her heart. In a way, I'm waiting for her to realize that I am not her replacement.

I have to admit that my relationship with her scares me. No matter what I tell myself, there's always that little bit of fear that my last conversation I have with her will be THE last. When she's in my life, I typically take whatever she is willing to give me just because she's there. I'm afraid of losing her. If it were anyone else, I could let it go. I would want to let it go. But with her, it's so difficult. I love her. I just hate that it has to be so hard.

Truth #6

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I NEVER have to bury another one of my kids.

Having to go through the loss of my twins was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life. However, TRYING my best to find a positive in that situation, I have told myself a hundred times over that I am thankful that they were taken sooner. I was thankful that I only had an empty, unused room to come home to. I didn't have to pack away their favorite toys, special outfits, or look at the empty chairs where they sat at meal times around the table. It could have been so much worse. I cannot even imagine having to bury my 9, 4, or 1 year old. As tragic and awful as the twins' deaths were, losing my babies now would be even harder. The thought alone brings me to tears.

I am so thankful for my beautiful children!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Truth #5

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

There are so many things that I hope to do in my life. I hope to be a good wife. I hope to raise respectable children. I hope to be a good friend. I hope to live a life that is not full of regret. I do not want to die without being able to say that I have done SOMETHING to make the world a better place, but I am sure that is what everyone hopes for! So, I am going to go with something a little more on the selfish side. It is definitely a dream of mine and on the very top of my bucket list!

I hope to someday go to Paris.

Ever since I was a sophomore in high school, it has been my dream trip. Hopefully, that dream will be a reality one day! :)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Truth #4

Being snowed in is really helping me catch up on my blog. Don't get used to it. This blizzard can't last forever! ;) Onto truth #4...

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Like most of us, I have a list of people that I need to forgive. Not so much that they deserve my forgiveness, but in order for me to move on with my life it's something I need to do. However, since my task for Day 4 is to forgive some'one', I will keep this post to that...just one person.

I need to forgive my first mom for giving me away.

That is not something I talk about a lot, but definitely something that I have struggled with for a long time. It is not that I had a terrible, awful childhood and I think I would have had a happier life with her. For me, it has been just knowing that I didn't matter enough to her for her to keep me, raise me, and love me.

There is just something that messes with the psyche to know that your mother did not want to keep you. I know many first moms will say that is not always the case and I know that it is not. However, when your mom tells you about not being able to 'take it' in the home she went to for two days or that she knows her grandmother would have loved you...taken us in...helped take care of you...etc, it kind of takes away from the "I had no other choice" thing. I've heard from her a hundred times, "but it was more complicating then that." That's fine, but it hurts to know that you, your life, did not matter more.

Being in reunion has been like being on the roller coaster ride from put it lightly. It is never ending. Just when you think things have slowed down, it's getting better and you can breathe a little easier, you find yourself turned upside down and starting the ride all over again. There have been a number of times that I have cried out, "Why?". I just don't get it. But, it is what it life is what it is.

Even though she gave me away once, she found me and then rejected me again, then found me again and God only knows what's going to happen this time around, I still want her in my life. Something about knowing she is there makes me feel better. Even though she is so broken and sad as ever, she's mom is there. If I am going to continue in our relationship, I have to forgive her. Hanging on to anger and fear only damages me and, in turn, keeps me from giving joy, understanding, and compassion to the other loved ones in my life. I know she loves me and never intended to hurt me, so I forgive her.

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." ~Louis B. Smedes