Friday, February 4, 2011

Random Reunion Thoughts

10 years ago, I never, ever would have admitted that I wanted to know my first mom. If somone asked, I would always quickly reply with, "OH, no!! Of course not! I could never do that to my parents. They were the ones that raised me. That just wouldn't be fair to them." And, I actually thought I meant it.

Well, fast forward to THE day..translated into THE day I found out that she was looking for me, THE day my world turned upside down...and that is all I could think about. She wanted me. She was looking for me. Then I have all this anger directed toward my ap's that I never knew exisited. It literally came out of nowhere. I was so angry at them for making me feel guilty for wanting a relationship with her. I was so hurt that they didn't at least attempt to be supportive and try to understand. I didn't care if it was genuine...just fake it...just pretend to be happy for me so I knew that what I was persuing was ok.

I loved many things about my reunion. Of course the emotions and figuring out 'stuff' was hard, but I LOVED getting to know my mom, and about the family, meeting people I was related to and finding out where I came from. I loved it, until she went away. Just like that, she was gone, again, out of my life. Then I spent the next few years angry at her. I was upset and so guilt-ridden that I ever was angry with my ap's. Angry that I invested so much of my heart into a relationship with her. I was so mad and so hurt.

Four years later, after many hours of counseling and a lot of growing up, I finally reached a point where I was ready to move on. I felt so much peace about it. I truly was ready to let go. Then it happens...she returns. And so it begins, all over again. The emotions can overtake me sometimes.

It has now been a year since my first mom came back into my life after our first reunion...I refer to it as our "re"reunion. Things have been pretty good with us, however, this re-reunion anniversary also marks the tragic death of her mom, her best friend. As you can imagine, that has been very difficult for her. It has also made things much more difficult for us. I always felt that our re-reunion was her way of filling the void that the loss of her mother placed in her heart. In a way, I'm waiting for her to realize that I am not her replacement.

I have to admit that my relationship with her scares me. No matter what I tell myself, there's always that little bit of fear that my last conversation I have with her will be THE last. When she's in my life, I typically take whatever she is willing to give me just because she's there. I'm afraid of losing her. If it were anyone else, I could let it go. I would want to let it go. But with her, it's so difficult. I love her. I just hate that it has to be so hard.


  1. Thanks for writing this. Linking over from my blog, so my readers can see it!

  2. Jen, I get that. Moms have the same thoughts.... what happens if the "I love you" or "You left me" is the last thing you hear.... We all have those fears. I know I definitely do. There will be a time when you realize that she probably knows that you are not the consolation prize, the replacement! Oh yes, talk to her. Tell her. There is nothing worse than spending your time wondering if that is how she feels or thinks... I know I do that with my daughter, never knowing if she feels that I am the consolation prize for something or if she is going to just walk away (for the 6th time).

    The thing is, maybe she had to grow up too? Maybe she had to realize that she needed you as much as you needed her.... and her mother's death confirmed what her heart knows. That no matter what, you need each other.

  3. Beautiful words. Isn't it amazing how no matter what side we are on in the adoption triad that we all have fears?

    Your aps were afraid you would like your first mom more then them, you are afraid your first mom will leave you again, what is your first mom afraid of? I know I am afraid my son won't like me once he gets to know me better for who I really am.

    We can't let the fear drive us or take over our relationships. So much easier to say than to do. Investing with your whole heart in reunion is a leap of faith.

  4. This was exactly how it was with my nmom - I first contacted her when I was 20 and when I was twenty three she sent me a letter that essentially ended the reunion, even though we had not met face to face. It was 20 years again before I had the guts to try to contact her again and this time she was delightfully willing to include me in her life...but I found myself at arms length even pushing her away in some respects because I couldnt bear the thought of her deciding at the last minute to drop me again.