Being snowed in is really helping me catch up on my blog. Don't get used to it. This blizzard can't last forever! ;) Onto truth #4...
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Like most of us, I have a list of people that I need to forgive. Not so much that they deserve my forgiveness, but in order for me to move on with my life it's something I need to do. However, since my task for Day 4 is to forgive some'one', I will keep this post to that...just one person.
I need to forgive my first mom for giving me away.
That is not something I talk about a lot, but definitely something that I have struggled with for a long time. It is not that I had a terrible, awful childhood and I think I would have had a happier life with her. For me, it has been just knowing that I didn't matter enough to her for her to keep me, raise me, and love me.
There is just something that messes with the psyche to know that your mother did not want to keep you. I know many first moms will say that is not always the case and I know that it is not. However, when your mom tells you about not being able to 'take it' in the home she went to for two days or that she knows her grandmother would have loved you...taken us in...helped take care of you...etc, it kind of takes away from the "I had no other choice" thing. I've heard from her a hundred times, "but it was more complicating then that." That's fine, but it hurts to know that you, your life, did not matter more.
Being in reunion has been like being on the roller coaster ride from hell...to put it lightly. It is never ending. Just when you think things have slowed down, it's getting better and you can breathe a little easier, you find yourself turned upside down and starting the ride all over again. There have been a number of times that I have cried out, "Why?". I just don't get it. But, it is what it is...my life is what it is.
Even though she gave me away once, she found me and then rejected me again, then found me again and God only knows what's going to happen this time around, I still want her in my life. Something about knowing she is there makes me feel better. Even though she is so broken and sad as ever, she's there...my mom is there. If I am going to continue in our relationship, I have to forgive her. Hanging on to anger and fear only damages me and, in turn, keeps me from giving joy, understanding, and compassion to the other loved ones in my life. I know she loves me and never intended to hurt me, so I forgive her.
"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." ~Louis B. Smedes