Sunday, October 17, 2010

My wish

I am not a huge country music fan, but I really like Rascal Flatts. This song, in particular, is one of my favorites. Ironically enough, my mom brought this song up not that long ago. She said she fell in love with it when it came out because it always made her think of me.

She has shared so much this second time around. How much she has always loved me. How she wishes she would have chose to keep me. She has told me that more than anything she wished she would have listened to her heart instead of the people that were literally taking me away from her.

There have been so many times that I have wished that things were different. I used to think if I could have one wish, it would be to see the future. The only reason I would want to see the future is to know if the choice I'm facing is going to end with disappointment or sadness. Who wouldn't want to choose the smoother road? I'm slowly learning that the bumpy roads hurt, but they're the ones that we learn the most from. No one said it would be easy, right?

I have been asked so many times, "If you had to do it all over again..." in regards to my reunion. Even knowing now what I was going to go through...the silence, hurt, sadness, anger, resentment, fear, frustration, confusion, etc...I would choose to do it all over again. Why? Because had I chose the smoother road, at the time, I never would have got to feel what it was like to be loved by my mother. To me, even if it was only for a while, it was worth it.


  1. For me, I get your mother's wishes totally...after all, I seriously doubt anyone truly wants all the pain and I too wished I had followed my heart and my instincts. I find your sentiment to be so beautiful and heartfelt. Maybe because I would like my daughter to actually feel that love, the love I have carried for her entire life, from conception to the present, and it does nothing but grow through my lifetime.

    Do all us mother's a favor, keep your relationship happy, communicate, love and don't let the dissappointments and anger over things that can't be changed color your relationship as so many do.

  2. I have to respectfully disagree with Lori..

    Jen, the only person you have to "do a favor" for is yourself. Is it difficult to deal with the darker side of adoption and reunion? Yes, of course..but forcing yourself into a constant state of happiness if that's not how you're feeling isn't healthy.

    Do what's right for YOU.

  3. Thanks, Christina. I agree. Trying to do what's right is a continual struggle, but I'm learning. It would be SO much easier if there was some kind of instruction book. Can you start on that, please? ;)

    Lori, there are some not so pretty sides to my reunion. Right now, we're at a good place. I'm not always happy and lovey-dovey. However, I can honestly say that I do know that she loves me. That's taken a long time and a lot of maturing on BOTH of our parts. It's a process. I do wish you and your daughter the best and hope you're able to get to a place where you can understand each other.