I am sitting here unsure about what tomorrow may bring. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and she is supposed to be coming to visit and hang out with me. My brother is supposed to be coming with her. I have not heard from her today so I do not have the slightest idea as to what the plan actually is. That in itself is a little nervewrecking for me, but I am sure it will all go ok.
This whole reunion thing is such a crazy situation. On one hand, I am excited that she is coming to see me and wants to spend part of her birthday with me. On the other hand, I'm slightly concerned that she is not going to show up because she is overwhelmed with the reality of it all. She seems different...in a good way. Our conversations are heartfelt and reassuring. She makes an effort to call and see how things are going with me and the kids. It's all good. So much so that I'm just waiting for the ball to drop. Waiting for the day when the phone calls end. It's not fair to her, but it's my reality. It's what I live with and worry about all the time. I hate to say it, but it's true. I am afraid that she's going to abandon me...again.
It's hard to admit those fears, but they're there. I cannot deny them. However, I can't live my life worried about what tomorrow may bring. I can only take care of and enjoy today. I have tried so hard to have the right perspective in all of this. As hurt as I would be if my relationship with my mom went badly, again, I am so blessed with loving and supportive people in my life that will always be there for me. That has become my focus. Enjoying what I do have..today.
I spent the past couple days with my two very best friends...just hanging out, talking, playing with the kids, eating, shopping....so much fun. They are my sisters, my family, and I love them dearly. My husband and I have our ups and downs, but I trust him 100% and never worry that he will be gone when I wake up the next day. I have three beautiful children that love me unconditionally and make me laugh everyday. I am blessed.
So even though I am a little nervous about tomorrow, I'm going to go to bed with thoughts of today and hopes that tomorrow will be a good one.
::hugs:: Thinking of you today. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking about you today! Call me soon! love you!
ReplyDeleteHope the day goes smooth as possible and you have some fun!
ReplyDeleteHave a great day! I know how you feel, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are having a wonderful day!
ReplyDeleteAs a natural mom in reunion, I also worry that the ball will drop, that my son will decide that he does not want me in his life anymore.
I wish I had known more about the effects of adoption on my son and on myself before it had to become a part of our lives...
@Jen, good luck and remember, sometimes we make our own troubles by worrying. So far, you don't seem to do that. I ditto Susie's response....I wait for the ball to drop and so far, it always does.
ReplyDeleteHope it goes well! x
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for the comments of support. I appreciate it. :)
ReplyDeleteI hope everything went ok. I know what it feels like to want a relationship so badly but you know it is out of your control...always wondering what the other person will do. I am sorry that is your reality, but I do hope your mom can prove to you that she is in it for the long haul. I can't wait to hear how the day went.
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