...eventually, everything hits the bottom and all you have to do is wait it out until someone comes along and turns it around.
My life has definitely hit an all-time low over the course of the past 9 months. I found the bottom of the hourglass. I have struggled, unknowingly, my entire life with being adopted. I have struggled with my race, knowing that it was the cause of why I was adopted. I have struggled with my ap's, not being like everyone else in my family but the same was expected. I have struggled with what I want as an adult now that I have the option of having my first family in my life. I have struggled with letting people down in my life that have always been there in my quest to get to know my first family. I have struggled with seeming "ungrateful" for my ap's for providing a life for me that my first family did not. I could go on and on. It's just been a constant struggle. Even though I feel like I've hit the bottom, I am fortunate to have a husband, amazing friends, and family to help turn it around. I'm definitely a work in progress, but hopefully I'm returning to a better place.
So, the short version of what's been going on with me....
My dad's wife was the "friend" that was trying to contact me on Facebook. She didn't tell him about her search because she didn't want to disappoint him if she did find me and I didn't want to have anything to do to him. My mom had an EXTREMELY difficult time accepting the fact that my dad actually wanted to be a part of my life. She would call me crying and ranting about how he was a loser and the reason she had to give me away. I really think it was her extreme reaction that made me more curious about him. His wife kept messaging me on Facebook, along with my little brother. I messaged them daily for a couple of months before I finally called my dad. That was the beginning of a whirlwind of things in my life. My mom told me that she could not be in my life as long as he was in it and...that was it. I have not heard from her since...let's see, that's rejection #3 from her in case any of you are keeping track. My relationship with my dad has continued to grow. Don't think for a second that it is perfect, because it is FAR from that. We have had a LOT of issues to work through (mostly me) and I continue to struggle through things almost daily. I have a lot of why's, how's, and what-if's that constantly find their way in my head. It is a day to day process. He and his wife and my three brothers have been more then accepting towards me. I've spent a lot of time with them. My kids know them all very well and enjoy seeing them. His wife and I have become close, as she has been there to listen and help me process all that has transpired in our reunion. She understands things more from his perspective and has helped me see things from his point of view. She has told me what his thoughts were of me over the past 20 years that they've been together and how he's never hidden my existence from her. That was very imprtant for me to hear. I absolutely adore my brothers. It's been so much fun getting to know them and seeing how much we have in common. They call daily and want to know what is going on in all of our lives. It's been an experience completely the opposite of my reunion with my mom. It's very surreal, at times.
Through the course of my reunion with my dad, I have found out that a lot of the things that my mom told me about him and my relinquishment were not true. She openly admitted to a couple of MAJOR discrepancies right before she told me that she was moving on with her life and had no room for me in it. That has been hard, but it has given me a clearer picture of what happened 34 years ago. Being rejected by my mom again was a huge blow, but I definitely know where I stand with her now. It's sad, but I no longer have to wonder what she's thinking and if she cares about me. She has made everything very clear. Clarity is what I've been searching for for a very long time and I can honestly say I have it now.
So, that's the quick version of the latest news in my adoption story. There are a lot of details that have led me to where I am at now, but I can go back and tell bits and pieces later. I have sat down to type too many times to count and I could never find the right place to start. I hate when I struggle with things because it makes me feel like I am weak. I am slowly learning, though, that my strength comes from within. I am only as strong as my mind is telling me that I am. This is all just a continual work in progress. I'm ready for it to be a completed work, though. I wonder if that's even possible?? I guess time will tell.