Friday, January 6, 2012

Life is like an hourglass...

...eventually, everything hits the bottom and all you have to do is wait it out until someone comes along and turns it around.

My life has definitely hit an all-time low over the course of the past 9 months. I found the bottom of the hourglass. I have struggled, unknowingly, my entire life with being adopted. I have struggled with my race, knowing that it was the cause of why I was adopted. I have struggled with my ap's, not being like everyone else in my family but the same was expected. I have struggled with what I want as an adult now that I have the option of having my first family in my life. I have struggled with letting people down in my life that have always been there in my quest to get to know my first family. I have struggled with seeming "ungrateful" for my ap's for providing a life for me that my first family did not. I could go on and on. It's just been a constant struggle. Even though I feel like I've hit the bottom, I am fortunate to have a husband, amazing friends, and family to help turn it around. I'm definitely a work in progress, but hopefully I'm returning to a better place.

So, the short version of what's been going on with me....
My dad's wife was the "friend" that was trying to contact me on Facebook. She didn't tell him about her search because she didn't want to disappoint him if she did find me and I didn't want to have anything to do to him. My mom had an EXTREMELY difficult time accepting the fact that my dad actually wanted to be a part of my life. She would call me crying and ranting about how he was a loser and the reason she had to give me away. I really think it was her extreme reaction that made me more curious about him. His wife kept messaging me on Facebook, along with my little brother. I messaged them daily for a couple of months before I finally called my dad. That was the beginning of a whirlwind of things in my life. My mom told me that she could not be in my life as long as he was in it and...that was it. I have not heard from her since...let's see, that's rejection #3 from her in case any of you are keeping track. My relationship with my dad has continued to grow. Don't think for a second that it is perfect, because it is FAR from that. We have had a LOT of issues to work through (mostly me) and I continue to struggle through things almost daily. I have a lot of why's, how's, and what-if's that constantly find their way in my head. It is a day to day process. He and his wife and my three brothers have been more then accepting towards me. I've spent a lot of time with them. My kids know them all very well and enjoy seeing them. His wife and I have become close, as she has been there to listen and help me process all that has transpired in our reunion. She understands things more from his perspective and has helped me see things from his point of view. She has told me what his thoughts were of me over the past 20 years that they've been together and how he's never hidden my existence from her. That was very imprtant for me to hear. I absolutely adore my brothers. It's been so much fun getting to know them and seeing how much we have in common. They call daily and want to know what is going on in all of our lives. It's been an experience completely the opposite of my reunion with my mom. It's very surreal, at times.

Through the course of my reunion with my dad, I have found out that a lot of the things that my mom told me about him and my relinquishment were not true. She openly admitted to a couple of MAJOR discrepancies right before she told me that she was moving on with her life and had no room for me in it. That has been hard, but it has given me a clearer picture of what happened 34 years ago. Being rejected by my mom again was a huge blow, but I definitely know where I stand with her now. It's sad, but I no longer have to wonder what she's thinking and if she cares about me. She has made everything very clear. Clarity is what I've been searching for for a very long time and I can honestly say I have it now.

So, that's the quick version of the latest news in my adoption story. There are a lot of details that have led me to where I am at now, but I can go back and tell bits and pieces later. I have sat down to type too many times to count and I could never find the right place to start. I hate when I struggle with things because it makes me feel like I am weak. I am slowly learning, though, that my strength comes from within. I am only as strong as my mind is telling me that I am. This is all just a continual work in progress. I'm ready for it to be a completed work, though. I wonder if that's even possible?? I guess time will tell.


  1. Oh, my.....that is so much to take in. I am very happy that your Father, his wife and your siblings have accepted you!! It's a great feeling, and it is the way it should be.

    I have to say that I find your mother's behavior to be VERY familiar. My own Mother has lied many times over to me, my siblings and other members of our family. Knowing that you have a relationship with your father must be threatening to her...because the truth comes out, and the truth doesn't change. And one thing liars cannot tolerate is the truth. Funny how that works, huh?

    My last rejection by my n MOther was crushing, but like you said, I have clarity now. I also have truth, which is so very important to me. Im not sure our adoption experiences will ever be a completed work. We are continually evolving & learning from the first rejection, and we keep learning more about ourselves.

    SO GLAD YOU ARE BACK!!! xoxoxo

  2. Glad too you are back and have clarity, such a valuable place to be!

  3. It is good to see you back. I wish, truly, that your mother could reconcile herself with her past. It isn't as easy as you would think. Recently I have had to tell my daughter that I do not want to be part of her life. I can't handle the ups and downs, lies or recriminations. I don't have the worry about her father, never did. He and I would probably be together today if things were a bit different - including him not being alive. It isn't as easy on mothers as many would like to believe and it is even harder when others want us to be more than human or less than human.

    I am sorry your mother can't bring herself to a point where she can deal. Please don't write her off yet... honestly, you really don't know whose perspective is true or real. No one can be sure except your mother and father.

  4. I am so glad you are back blogging! I've missed you <3.

    I wish your mother could have realized that love isn't finite. People's hearts can care for more than one person at a time and just because you wanted to get to know your father, doesn't mean you love or need her any less.

    I hope she comes around..but this time, it will be on your terms. I'm dealing with the emotional loss of my natural father (he's suddenly gone MIA on me) and I know what you are going through. Keep'll help.

    Love you sweet girl.

  5. Thank you, everyone, for welcoming me back! Blogging is good for me, but finding the right words to express how I'm feeling is what I've struggled with. My brain is on much to say I don't even know where to start!

    "One thing that liars can't tolerate is the truth." Couldn't have said it better myself, Linda!!

    Lori, I've never asked my mom to be more "human". All I've ever wanted from her is to be wanted. She told me that if she could do it all over again and have the choice to give me up or keep me, she would give me up again. I think that says it all right there. She says she loves me, but I honestly have never felt true love from her. I've spent years convincing myself, despite her words and actions, that she does love me. She chose to give me up and she clearly meant that to be a permanent thing. I'll never "write her off", because she is my mom and I do love her. However, I'm tired of putting so much of my emotions and self-worth into figuring out a way to make my mom love me. Being rejected by her multiple times has left scars that will probably never fully heal, but I have too many people in my life that do love me to let her heartlessness overtake me. If I've learned anything from her, I've learned to love my kids unconditionally and let them know it. I can't thank her for much, but Lord knows that I can thank her for that.

    And Christina, I've missed you!! I'm so sorry about your nfather. I know too well how that feels. Thinking about you.

    1. I understand that... I really do. I feel about the same about my daughter. Constant rejection for a decade can mess with anything that you try to build. I never will understand your mother or my daughter. It will never be real. The worst part is, you really can't tell what another person is totally about. For me, my daughter has completely pulled back, sans her blog stalking, and has let me know that she had hoped I was dead. Sadly, I do love her unconditionally, I just don't like her much. I have never felt love from my daughter - not once since our reunion.

      I hope that things work out right for you. In the end all we can really do is be loving, forgiving and understanding. And most of all protect ourselves and care for ourselves.

      Hang in there.