Finding Myself

Have any of you seen the movie, "Runaway Bride"? Well, there's a girl who has been engaged multiple times and ends up running off during the actual wedding ceremony each time. A reporter finds it to be an interesting story so he follows her around for a while, interviewing her ex's, etc. One thing that he finds is that in each relationship, whatever kind of eggs her fiancé liked, that was what she liked too. Ever since that movie came out, my best friend has told me that I don't know how I like my eggs. I hate when she says that, but it is true...I guess that's why I hate it. As much as i hate to admit it, I am that girl. The only difference is, I'm not running away from marriages or commitments, I'm running for a different reason. I'm continually running in my best effort to find myself. I have spent the past year getting to know another side of my biological family. It's been good, it's been bad, and it's been everything in between. Through all the ups and downs of it all, I am discovering how little I truly know about myself. Ive learned that I was more or less raised with a distorted sense of who I was supposed to be. That is something that makes me very difficult to understand and essentially affects every relationship I'm in. I've started reading, "Coming Home to Self" by Nancy Newton Verrier, author of The Primal Wound. If you've never read it, you must! It's a very good book for adoptees and really anyone involved in the triad. Anyway, as I was reading, I came across the "Appearance of the Chameleon". Basically, it says that your need for approval causes you to try to fit into every situation by observing others and agreeing with everyone without ever really having any distinct opinions or ideas. It more specifically says, "He may seem nice, but there is nobody home...it is the scared child who is making an appearance. The adult, with ideas, opinions, and suggestions of his own is nowhere to be found." It really bothered me, because I've heard almost the exact same thing from those that are closest to me. I'm present in body, but mentally and emotionally I'm in another place. I'm hoping to find that person. I've spent my whole life trying to be the person I thought was expected of me and not who "me" really is. So, with that said, I guess it is true that I don't really know how I like my eggs, but I'm trying my best to figure it out.