Finding Myself

Have any of you seen the movie, "Runaway Bride"? Well, there's a girl who has been engaged multiple times and ends up running off during the actual wedding ceremony each time. A reporter finds it to be an interesting story so he follows her around for a while, interviewing her ex's, etc. One thing that he finds is that in each relationship, whatever kind of eggs her fiancé liked, that was what she liked too. Ever since that movie came out, my best friend has told me that I don't know how I like my eggs. I hate when she says that, but it is true...I guess that's why I hate it. As much as i hate to admit it, I am that girl. The only difference is, I'm not running away from marriages or commitments, I'm running for a different reason. I'm continually running in my best effort to find myself. I have spent the past year getting to know another side of my biological family. It's been good, it's been bad, and it's been everything in between. Through all the ups and downs of it all, I am discovering how little I truly know about myself. Ive learned that I was more or less raised with a distorted sense of who I was supposed to be. That is something that makes me very difficult to understand and essentially affects every relationship I'm in. I've started reading, "Coming Home to Self" by Nancy Newton Verrier, author of The Primal Wound. If you've never read it, you must! It's a very good book for adoptees and really anyone involved in the triad. Anyway, as I was reading, I came across the "Appearance of the Chameleon". Basically, it says that your need for approval causes you to try to fit into every situation by observing others and agreeing with everyone without ever really having any distinct opinions or ideas. It more specifically says, "He may seem nice, but there is nobody home...it is the scared child who is making an appearance. The adult, with ideas, opinions, and suggestions of his own is nowhere to be found." It really bothered me, because I've heard almost the exact same thing from those that are closest to me. I'm present in body, but mentally and emotionally I'm in another place. I'm hoping to find that person. I've spent my whole life trying to be the person I thought was expected of me and not who "me" really is. So, with that said, I guess it is true that I don't really know how I like my eggs, but I'm trying my best to figure it out.

Life is like an hourglass...

...eventually, everything hits the bottom and all you have to do is wait it out until someone comes along and turns it around.

My life has definitely hit an all-time low over the course of the past 9 months. I found the bottom of the hourglass. I have struggled, unknowingly, my entire life with being adopted. I have struggled with my race, knowing that it was the cause of why I was adopted. I have struggled with my ap's, not being like everyone else in my family but the same was expected. I have struggled with what I want as an adult now that I have the option of having my first family in my life. I have struggled with letting people down in my life that have always been there in my quest to get to know my first family. I have struggled with seeming "ungrateful" for my ap's for providing a life for me that my first family did not. I could go on and on. It's just been a constant struggle. Even though I feel like I've hit the bottom, I am fortunate to have a husband, amazing friends, and family to help turn it around. I'm definitely a work in progress, but hopefully I'm returning to a better place.

So, the short version of what's been going on with me....
My dad's wife was the "friend" that was trying to contact me on Facebook. She didn't tell him about her search because she didn't want to disappoint him if she did find me and I didn't want to have anything to do to him. My mom had an EXTREMELY difficult time accepting the fact that my dad actually wanted to be a part of my life. She would call me crying and ranting about how he was a loser and the reason she had to give me away. I really think it was her extreme reaction that made me more curious about him. His wife kept messaging me on Facebook, along with my little brother. I messaged them daily for a couple of months before I finally called my dad. That was the beginning of a whirlwind of things in my life. My mom told me that she could not be in my life as long as he was in it and...that was it. I have not heard from her since...let's see, that's rejection #3 from her in case any of you are keeping track. My relationship with my dad has continued to grow. Don't think for a second that it is perfect, because it is FAR from that. We have had a LOT of issues to work through (mostly me) and I continue to struggle through things almost daily. I have a lot of why's, how's, and what-if's that constantly find their way in my head. It is a day to day process. He and his wife and my three brothers have been more then accepting towards me. I've spent a lot of time with them. My kids know them all very well and enjoy seeing them. His wife and I have become close, as she has been there to listen and help me process all that has transpired in our reunion. She understands things more from his perspective and has helped me see things from his point of view. She has told me what his thoughts were of me over the past 20 years that they've been together and how he's never hidden my existence from her. That was very imprtant for me to hear. I absolutely adore my brothers. It's been so much fun getting to know them and seeing how much we have in common. They call daily and want to know what is going on in all of our lives. It's been an experience completely the opposite of my reunion with my mom. It's very surreal, at times.

Through the course of my reunion with my dad, I have found out that a lot of the things that my mom told me about him and my relinquishment were not true. She openly admitted to a couple of MAJOR discrepancies right before she told me that she was moving on with her life and had no room for me in it. That has been hard, but it has given me a clearer picture of what happened 34 years ago. Being rejected by my mom again was a huge blow, but I definitely know where I stand with her now. It's sad, but I no longer have to wonder what she's thinking and if she cares about me. She has made everything very clear. Clarity is what I've been searching for for a very long time and I can honestly say I have it now.

So, that's the quick version of the latest news in my adoption story. There are a lot of details that have led me to where I am at now, but I can go back and tell bits and pieces later. I have sat down to type too many times to count and I could never find the right place to start. I hate when I struggle with things because it makes me feel like I am weak. I am slowly learning, though, that my strength comes from within. I am only as strong as my mind is telling me that I am. This is all just a continual work in progress. I'm ready for it to be a completed work, though. I wonder if that's even possible?? I guess time will tell.

We'll try this again...

Have you all forgotten about me? I've kind of forgotten about myself. I have written for over a year about the trials of adoption and reunion. I've talked about all the hurdles I have faced and ways that I've managed to get over them. I thought I was maybe getting closer to understanding my life a little better when a new HUGE hurdle presented itself. I can't decide if I've been at a track meet jumping hurdles over the past few months or at an amusement park on an endless roller coaster...probably a little of both. I am not even sure where to start. When I first started this blog, I was past the initial shock of reunion and was basically looking back on what I had been through and sharing it with you all. Well, this is different. I am in the midst of my renuion with my dad, and there hasn't been anything easy about it. I have tried to write numerous times, but I cannot find the words. I have been happy, sad, angry, resentful, frustrated, and confused. It has been almost 9 months since I received the email saying that my dad was looking for me. It has been a whirlwind ever since. There is so much to write, I am not even sure where to begin. I just wanted to get something out there so you all know I haven't disappeared. As the words come, I will post. This blog has been great therapy for me and I hope that it can continue to be. I look forward to catching up with everyone. It's been too long!