Ignorance is not always bliss..or so I have decided. Since I was adopted as an infant (I was three weeks old), I thought that the only birth certificate I ever had was the one I have carried around with me my whole life. The one with my ap's as my parents, my city of birth was where they resided at the time, the doctor was a friend of my amom's, the hospital was the one my amom worked at, and my name, of course, is what my ap's chose for me.
Until I came across Christina's blog and started talking to her, I was pretty clueless about anything and everything surrounding adoption and my rights as an adoptee. How sad is it that at 33years old, it finally comes to my attention that I have a real, original birth certificate locked away in a undisclosed place downtown?! Anyway, like I said...ignorance is not always bliss.
As a child, I do remember thinking that it was strange that everything on my birth certificate was a lie. My ap's were always very open about the fact that I was adopted...you know, all the basic stuff. I knew where I was born. I knew the situation that led to me being placed for adoption. I knew the name that my nmom had chose for me. I knew quite a bit (or so I thought). But ANYTHING that had ANYTHING to do with me finding my mom or relatives was always vague. I remember my amom telling me that I should never try to find my nmom because she has moved on and has a life of her own. She said if I tried to find her I could cause a lot of problems for her and her family. All I knew was that my adoption was CLOSED...that was it. I didn't know any better.
Now, all that has changed. Thanks to my amom's unintentional intervention, I now know who my natural mother is. I now know that a lot of things I was told growing up were not completely true. I now know that there is a document out there detailing my arrival into this crazy world and I want it.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Tomorrow
I am sitting here unsure about what tomorrow may bring. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and she is supposed to be coming to visit and hang out with me. My brother is supposed to be coming with her. I have not heard from her today so I do not have the slightest idea as to what the plan actually is. That in itself is a little nervewrecking for me, but I am sure it will all go ok.
This whole reunion thing is such a crazy situation. On one hand, I am excited that she is coming to see me and wants to spend part of her birthday with me. On the other hand, I'm slightly concerned that she is not going to show up because she is overwhelmed with the reality of it all. She seems different...in a good way. Our conversations are heartfelt and reassuring. She makes an effort to call and see how things are going with me and the kids. It's all good. So much so that I'm just waiting for the ball to drop. Waiting for the day when the phone calls end. It's not fair to her, but it's my reality. It's what I live with and worry about all the time. I hate to say it, but it's true. I am afraid that she's going to abandon me...again.
It's hard to admit those fears, but they're there. I cannot deny them. However, I can't live my life worried about what tomorrow may bring. I can only take care of and enjoy today. I have tried so hard to have the right perspective in all of this. As hurt as I would be if my relationship with my mom went badly, again, I am so blessed with loving and supportive people in my life that will always be there for me. That has become my focus. Enjoying what I do have..today.
I spent the past couple days with my two very best friends...just hanging out, talking, playing with the kids, eating, shopping....so much fun. They are my sisters, my family, and I love them dearly. My husband and I have our ups and downs, but I trust him 100% and never worry that he will be gone when I wake up the next day. I have three beautiful children that love me unconditionally and make me laugh everyday. I am blessed.
So even though I am a little nervous about tomorrow, I'm going to go to bed with thoughts of today and hopes that tomorrow will be a good one.
This whole reunion thing is such a crazy situation. On one hand, I am excited that she is coming to see me and wants to spend part of her birthday with me. On the other hand, I'm slightly concerned that she is not going to show up because she is overwhelmed with the reality of it all. She seems different...in a good way. Our conversations are heartfelt and reassuring. She makes an effort to call and see how things are going with me and the kids. It's all good. So much so that I'm just waiting for the ball to drop. Waiting for the day when the phone calls end. It's not fair to her, but it's my reality. It's what I live with and worry about all the time. I hate to say it, but it's true. I am afraid that she's going to abandon me...again.
It's hard to admit those fears, but they're there. I cannot deny them. However, I can't live my life worried about what tomorrow may bring. I can only take care of and enjoy today. I have tried so hard to have the right perspective in all of this. As hurt as I would be if my relationship with my mom went badly, again, I am so blessed with loving and supportive people in my life that will always be there for me. That has become my focus. Enjoying what I do have..today.
I spent the past couple days with my two very best friends...just hanging out, talking, playing with the kids, eating, shopping....so much fun. They are my sisters, my family, and I love them dearly. My husband and I have our ups and downs, but I trust him 100% and never worry that he will be gone when I wake up the next day. I have three beautiful children that love me unconditionally and make me laugh everyday. I am blessed.
So even though I am a little nervous about tomorrow, I'm going to go to bed with thoughts of today and hopes that tomorrow will be a good one.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
My wish
I am not a huge country music fan, but I really like Rascal Flatts. This song, in particular, is one of my favorites. Ironically enough, my mom brought this song up not that long ago. She said she fell in love with it when it came out because it always made her think of me.
She has shared so much this second time around. How much she has always loved me. How she wishes she would have chose to keep me. She has told me that more than anything she wished she would have listened to her heart instead of the people that were literally taking me away from her.
There have been so many times that I have wished that things were different. I used to think if I could have one wish, it would be to see the future. The only reason I would want to see the future is to know if the choice I'm facing is going to end with disappointment or sadness. Who wouldn't want to choose the smoother road? I'm slowly learning that the bumpy roads hurt, but they're the ones that we learn the most from. No one said it would be easy, right?
I have been asked so many times, "If you had to do it all over again..." in regards to my reunion. Even knowing now what I was going to go through...the silence, hurt, sadness, anger, resentment, fear, frustration, confusion, etc...I would choose to do it all over again. Why? Because had I chose the smoother road, at the time, I never would have got to feel what it was like to be loved by my mother. To me, even if it was only for a while, it was worth it.
Friday, October 1, 2010
A few questions answered
I'm so sorry it's been a long time since I've posted. I've been so busy. It doesn't look like things are going to settle down anytime soon, so I thought I'd take some time to answer a few questions from this post. They've really made me think. That's been a good thing. I tend to ignore real issues, so actually having to reflect isn't bad from time to time! :)
I thought I could answer them all in one post, but I'll have to break it up. I am sure many of you reading may have differing opinions about my responses to some of the following questions, and that's fine. Feel free to add in your comments. I'd actually love to hear how some of you would respond to these questions, so feel free to comment away.
My daughter's birthday is Sat and she agreed that I could send her a gift. I sent her a really nice doll along with a toy car, because we joked about how I wouldn't send a car and she was like asking if I could try. She was joking. In the same box she will get a card that is a daughter card. Then, she will also get flowers with me and my sons signing it. This is the first birthday since I found her and we have yet to me. Do you think I over did it? No, I do not. Would you get mad if your birthmom claimed you as her daughter? Not at all, however, I am sure this is different for everyone. The first time my mom introduced me to someone as her daughter has been in the past couple of months (8 years into reunion). It completely caught me off guard, but it meant a lot to me. For me, it was a turning point in our relationship where I realized that she wasn’t embarrassed of me and really thought of me as a part of her and the family. Figuring out who I was to my natural family has been very difficult for me. I didn’t want to be the one to ask what was ok and not ok. Trying to find my place in a world where I always belonged but was never a part of has been the most difficult part of the whole reunion process.
I've been wondering if you have considered contacting your ndad? Good question. I just talked to my nmom about this the other night. The answer to this is still no. It may be hard for others to understand why. It’s been hard for me. In thinking about it more, the main reason I don’t want to contact him is because I have yet to feel like he actually cares or wants a relationship with me. If you’ve read my blog at all, you know that having a relationship with my mom has been extremely important to me. Having her in my life gives me a feeling of completion. I can’t say, at least not yet, that I’ve ever felt that way about my natural father. I have seen him on a couple of different occasions. They were both very crazy, surreal experiences. However, I have yet to feel that desire to want him in my life. Quite honestly, figuring out everything with my mom has been difficult enough. I’m not quite sure my heart is ready to go down that road.
Have your parents met your mom? No, they have not. Had any communication with her (cards,letters)? No to this one too. Would you like them to be "friends", or would you rather keep them "separate"? I don’t know if they can ever be “friends”, but I do not wish to keep them separate either. How do your parents feel about meeting/communicating with her? I would love for them to have a cordial relationship. It would make everything 100 times easier. My nmom is very open about wanting to meet my ap’s. My ap’s, mainly my amom, have not seemed to share that same desire. I would love for them to all be able to come together for my kids’ activities, parties, etc but, as of now, I am not sure if that’s ever going to be the case.
Do you think of your birth mother as an actual mother like you think of your amom or is the relationship different, more like good friends? I definitely think of my nmom as a mother. I mean, why would I not? She is just that…my mother!:) I also think of her as a friend, too. She's easy to talk to and she cares about my life in a way that I never had from my amom. When I talk to her, she genuinely seems interested in what's going on in my life. I must admit, at first, I didn’t know how I felt about her...Or I guess I should rephrase that to say that I didn't know how I was 'supposed' to feel about her. Since my ap’s were beyond devastated about her ‘finding’ me, I felt that it was not at all acceptable to take her in as my mom. She gave me up, I guess I was supposed to say, “To hell with you.” I had to get to a point where I was no longer shamed into feeling guilty for loving my nmom and wanting her in my life. When I got to that point, it was easier.
How soon were you ok with hearing that your birth mother loved you? As in her saying "I love you". I don’t think I could of heard that one soon enough. I had wondered my entire life if she really did love me. I wondered if it was easy for her to give me up. I wanted to know that she cared and had wondered about me her entire life. For me, that was very, very important. I wanted to hear her say that she did love me, it was a hard decision, and if she could go back and change it she would in a heartbeat. I think I lived every day of my life wanting to hear her say that was how she truly felt. Feeling rejected by your mother, your flesh and blood, is not a good feeling. If you feel like your own mother doesn’t love you, then you wonder who ever will.
I will try to finish up the other questions and post in the next few days. Thanks for making me 'think'! :)
I thought I could answer them all in one post, but I'll have to break it up. I am sure many of you reading may have differing opinions about my responses to some of the following questions, and that's fine. Feel free to add in your comments. I'd actually love to hear how some of you would respond to these questions, so feel free to comment away.
My daughter's birthday is Sat and she agreed that I could send her a gift. I sent her a really nice doll along with a toy car, because we joked about how I wouldn't send a car and she was like asking if I could try. She was joking. In the same box she will get a card that is a daughter card. Then, she will also get flowers with me and my sons signing it. This is the first birthday since I found her and we have yet to me. Do you think I over did it? No, I do not. Would you get mad if your birthmom claimed you as her daughter? Not at all, however, I am sure this is different for everyone. The first time my mom introduced me to someone as her daughter has been in the past couple of months (8 years into reunion). It completely caught me off guard, but it meant a lot to me. For me, it was a turning point in our relationship where I realized that she wasn’t embarrassed of me and really thought of me as a part of her and the family. Figuring out who I was to my natural family has been very difficult for me. I didn’t want to be the one to ask what was ok and not ok. Trying to find my place in a world where I always belonged but was never a part of has been the most difficult part of the whole reunion process.
I've been wondering if you have considered contacting your ndad? Good question. I just talked to my nmom about this the other night. The answer to this is still no. It may be hard for others to understand why. It’s been hard for me. In thinking about it more, the main reason I don’t want to contact him is because I have yet to feel like he actually cares or wants a relationship with me. If you’ve read my blog at all, you know that having a relationship with my mom has been extremely important to me. Having her in my life gives me a feeling of completion. I can’t say, at least not yet, that I’ve ever felt that way about my natural father. I have seen him on a couple of different occasions. They were both very crazy, surreal experiences. However, I have yet to feel that desire to want him in my life. Quite honestly, figuring out everything with my mom has been difficult enough. I’m not quite sure my heart is ready to go down that road.
Have your parents met your mom? No, they have not. Had any communication with her (cards,letters)? No to this one too. Would you like them to be "friends", or would you rather keep them "separate"? I don’t know if they can ever be “friends”, but I do not wish to keep them separate either. How do your parents feel about meeting/communicating with her? I would love for them to have a cordial relationship. It would make everything 100 times easier. My nmom is very open about wanting to meet my ap’s. My ap’s, mainly my amom, have not seemed to share that same desire. I would love for them to all be able to come together for my kids’ activities, parties, etc but, as of now, I am not sure if that’s ever going to be the case.
Do you think of your birth mother as an actual mother like you think of your amom or is the relationship different, more like good friends? I definitely think of my nmom as a mother. I mean, why would I not? She is just that…my mother!:) I also think of her as a friend, too. She's easy to talk to and she cares about my life in a way that I never had from my amom. When I talk to her, she genuinely seems interested in what's going on in my life. I must admit, at first, I didn’t know how I felt about her...Or I guess I should rephrase that to say that I didn't know how I was 'supposed' to feel about her. Since my ap’s were beyond devastated about her ‘finding’ me, I felt that it was not at all acceptable to take her in as my mom. She gave me up, I guess I was supposed to say, “To hell with you.” I had to get to a point where I was no longer shamed into feeling guilty for loving my nmom and wanting her in my life. When I got to that point, it was easier.
How soon were you ok with hearing that your birth mother loved you? As in her saying "I love you". I don’t think I could of heard that one soon enough. I had wondered my entire life if she really did love me. I wondered if it was easy for her to give me up. I wanted to know that she cared and had wondered about me her entire life. For me, that was very, very important. I wanted to hear her say that she did love me, it was a hard decision, and if she could go back and change it she would in a heartbeat. I think I lived every day of my life wanting to hear her say that was how she truly felt. Feeling rejected by your mother, your flesh and blood, is not a good feeling. If you feel like your own mother doesn’t love you, then you wonder who ever will.
I will try to finish up the other questions and post in the next few days. Thanks for making me 'think'! :)
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