The Next Chapter

Well...it has been an EXTREMELY busy summer around my house. I have sat down to post several times, but just couldn't think of what I wanted to say. So tonight, I decided I would begin to share the story of the next chapter. It'll take a few posts to get it all out there, so bear with me...

I started talking to my mom about the friend of my dad's that was sending me messages on Facebook. I did not know who she was and where this was all coming from. It was so random. I questioned if my dad really wanted to contact me or if this was just a curious friend. The friend left me a number to call to talk to my dad, but I just couldn't do it. I was scared.

Over the week or so that followed, my mom was having an extremely difficult time with everything. It was like she was reliving my relinquishment, regretting what she did, wishing things had played out differently, talking about how my dad was absolutely no help and didn't care about her while she was pregnant or me. It was awful. She kept telling me that I should not trust him or this "friend" of his. She felt like it was all some plan to hurt me because he didn't care about me...and according to her, he never cared.

I felt like I was reliving everything that happened when I told my AP's about my bmom finding me and wanting to be a part of my life. I was confused, I didn't know what to do. In the meantime, I am still getting messages from my dad's friend. I had started answering my brother's messages. He would send several a day. I asked him if his mom knew about me and he said yes. He would tell me things about my dad and my other brothers. We would message back and forth about lots of things. I even asked him, at one point, if he knew who this frined was. He never responded. I like messaging him because it wasn't heavy. We would talk about sports and things we liked and stuff. It was fun getting to know him. It was the first real sibling relationship that I had. I knew my half-brother from my mom, but he rarely talked to me and was not interested at all in having any kind of a relationship. So, this brother wanting to find out about me made me feel really good. I don't think I had ever felt that from anyone in my biological family. Definitely not my half-brother and not fully from my mom.

My mom kept warning me about getting my brother involved. She would call me and talk to me for hours on the phone crying and worried about me and what was going to happen. She kept telling me that she didn't trust my dad and she didn't think his wife would be OK with me. I told her that my brother had said that she knew and my mom told me that she didn't believe it. She warned me about how my dad was and how he's had 9 years to get to know me and he's refused to even try. My brother had asked for my number so we could text and my mom told me that it was not a good idea to give it to him because then my dad might find out and start calling me. My head was spinning. I didn't know what to do. I was slowly realizing that talking to my mom about my dad was not helping the situation.

After the fourth or fifth message that I got from my dad's friend, my mom asked me to give her the phone number the friend gave me and she would call and find out who it was. I did...looking back, maybe not such a great idea but I was at a loss. She called and ended up talking to my dad. What happened next?? NOt at all what I was expecting. But then again, what about reunion goes as expected? I'm still waiting for that moment.

Where do I go from here?

I've asked myself that question a hundred times over. I wish I had an answer. Having been through reunion (and re-reunion) with my nmom, I figured I would have it all figured out by now. Or, at the very least, have a better idea of what to expect. I was wrong. I obviously have avoided blogging for the past month. I always wished that I knew about the forum, blogging, etc back when I was in my first reunion with my nmom. I thought it would have been SOOO wonderful to have the support of all my adoptee friends back when I was trying to make it through the throes of adoption and reunion. Well, here I am again in the same situation, however, I have totally neglected utilizing the support. Why? Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking and it all came down to three reasons.

First of all, I've avoided blogging because that's what I do. Anytime I am faced with a stressful situation, I typically try to avoid dealing with it. So, that's exactly what I did. Out of sight, out of mind? Not exactly, but in my mind if I wasn't "talking" about it, then I wasn't having to deal with it.

Secondly, I avoided blogging because I really was not sure how I was feeling. Of course there have been the roller coaster ups and downs, but for the most part, I was unsure and just needed some time to absorb what was happening. I didn't know what to say, what part of the journey to share, what advice to ask for, etc. I just needed time.

And finally, I avoided blogging because I felt guilty. Blogging has been a great source of therapy for me and I know that a lot of you find comfort in following and knowing that you are not alone. But sometimes I feel guilty talking about the difficulties of being reunited with my natural family when so many of you would give ANYTHING to have just a moment with yours. It's really been a struggle for me.

So, am I the only one that feels this way? I've thought about deleting my blog...AGAIN! I've thought about going private. I've thought about just continuing on with the next chapter of my reunion. I guess "un"avoiding is a great start! ;) Any way that I look at it, all thoughts lead back to the same question...Where do I go from here?

Roller Coasters and Tug of War

The roller coaster of emotions are back. On top of that, I feel like I am the rope in a fierce game of tug-of-war. Mom vs dad....AP's vs BP's...guilt vs desire...it's constant. I have not contacted my dad, yet. I have been messaging back and forth with my 15 year old brother. He is super sweet, funny, and extremely curious. A lot has unfolded and I have a lot of updating to do. But for now, I'm going to wait until I talk to my counselor and sort through some of my feelings before I post the latest details. I'm not sure what I think about all of it..or I haven't got to a point where I can verbalize what I'm thinking. It's differnet this time around because I kind of have a clue, but it is still scary. The neverending list of questions are there...What do I do? Where is this new door going to lead me? In the process of potentially pursuing a relationship with my dad and his family, will it ruin the relationship that I have with my mom? I haven't (and probably won't for a while) mentioned any of this to my AP's...I can only imagine what that will be like? Questions that bring up more questions that lead to other questions are constantly running through my mind. I've said on here so many times that I've never had a desire to know my dad or force a relationship. I was OK with the way things were. But, now that the opportunity is here, my feelings about it are beginning to change. I'm just hoping I make decisions because of desire and not because of guilt. I'm hoping that I deal with things in a healthy way. ::Sigh:: Roller coasters and tug-of-war -- will life ever be the same again?

Blindsided

You know, the craziest things happen when you're not looking for them. At least for me. Finding my husband, getting pregnant with twins, losing my twins, finding out I was pregnant with my 3rd, and , of course, my reunion with my mom totally blindsided me. Those are the first situations that popped in my head that were completely unexpected. I wasn't looking or expecting any of those things to happen, but they did. Some of those situations were for the better and some of them I'm still trying to figure out "why". Regardless, they all came when I least expected it.

Well...as you have probably guessed by now...I have been blindsided once again.

As I was getting ready to leave for school yesterday morning, I noticed that I had an email notifying me of a message someone left for me on facebook. So, I clicked on it just to see who it was. I didn't recognize the name so I started reading the message:

I am helping a friend search for their daughter...we believe you are her call me @ ***-***-****. His name is (first name) (last name), he is your dad

My first thought, being as naive as I can sometimes, was "Oh, someone must be randomly searching for a family member and came across my name." However, when I got to the last line and saw his first and last name, I thought I was going to pass out. It was insane. According to my mom, he's known that she's been in contact with me for 9 years. Why is he trying to find me now? He knows how to get in touch with her. Why isn't he just calling her? Who in the world is this "friend" that's trying to help him? The questions just kept coming.

I sent my mom a text and asked her if she knew the friend by name. She, of course, didn't. I told her the rest of the situation and she said she knew nothing about it and she'd call me after work and we could figure it all out. So I went to school and went on with my normal routine. I thought about the situation off and on all day and wondered what I should do.

I've mentioned before that I don't know how I feel about meeting my dad. It has been so emotionally draining trying to figure out my relationship with my mom that I honestly don;t know if I can pursue another relationship right now. Plus, this one was easy because it was his friend, not him. I thought if he wanted to talk to me, find me, whatever, he could do it himself. It may sound kind of bratty but, unfortunately, my heart is a bit guarded right now. I don't want to be hurt.

When I got home from school, I got on facebook to see if this friend of his had any pictures or other info on her page. She didn't. All it showed was where she lived and that she was a 'she'. No profile pic or anything. I started talking to my husband about it when I noticed another message had popped up. I clicked on it and I read:

I was wondering if you are my sister. (My first, maiden and last names). Daughter of (my mom's first and last name). I was wondering if you know your birth dads name?

I just about died! What on earth is happening? My dad is supposedly looking for me and then my half brother sends me a message the same day looking for me. I could handle the "friend of my dad" situation because it wasn't him, just a friend. But my brother? I don't want to leave him hanging. He has a picture of him with what looks like a girlfriend or something as his profile pic. No other information. I text my mom and she called and told me that he was my dad's middle son with his current wife. He's in high school.

So, like I said...the craziest things happen when you're not looking for them. I haven't messaged anybody back. It just happened yesterday and I'm trying to process it all. What do I want? What should I do? What will I regret if I don't? You know...all the good questions that roll through your mind. I think I might respond to the friend and give her my e-mail and tell her he can contact me that way. i don;t want to call and talk to a complete stranger. As far as my brother's message,I want to respond just to say I got it and yes, I know my birth dad's name. I'm not sure what he wants or is expecting. He's young and obviously has no idea what he's getting himself into. But, really, who does? I know I don't!

M.I.A.

I know I've been M.I.A. for a while. I've been trying to figure out where I am in all this. I've been doing a good job masking things for a while and I'm afraid to open up and let the flood gates in. You know, blogging kind of has a way of doing that! I was going through and reading past entries and came across the "Ask Me Anything" post. I realized I never finished answering questions so I thought I would finish that up, so....

If you could change anything that you have done with regard to reunion, what would it be and why?
I wish I would have talked to a counselor from the very beginning of our reunion. I went into it completely blindsighted...we both did. I don't think anything can prepare you for the reunion rollercoaster, but I do know once I started talking to a counselor (4 years into my reunion), it helped tremendously!

Do you mind being called an "Adoptee"? Have you ever had any thoughts about it?
I've never thought about this one before. I guess I would have to answer with a yes and no. No, I do not mind being called an adoptee because that is, in fact, what I am. However, I do mind at times being called an adoptee because, in the adoption triad, you have the least amount of say about anything pertaining to you. It is beyond frustrating in that regard. But for the most part, an adoptee is what I am, so I have to be ok with it.

When it comes to talking about adoption with your birthmom...did she initiate the talking about the deep stuff or you?
In our first reunion, it was always me that initiated everything.
If you did, would you have preferred that she did instead? YES!! I totally wished she would have some. It made me feel like I was always "bugging" her or dredging up the past that she, clearly, wasn't overly willing to talk about.

What did you want to know most from her?
I mostly wanted to know why she gave me up and if she regretted it. I really wanted to know if she truly loved me and cared about me or if I was just a distant memory once she gave me away.

Is/was there monetary differences / social class differences between your first family and second family? YES, on both accounts.
What if any affect did that have on your comfort level? Was it awkward or important? Does it matter to me that we have some social and monetary differences? Absolutely not. Once I dove into this whole reunion with my mom, all I ever wanted was to be loved by her. I do not care about receiving fancy, expensive gifts or if she drives a nice car or lives in a huge house. None of that matters to me. I love her a lot and I just want to be loved by her.

The above question reinforces one of my biggest frustrations about adoption. In so many instances mom's feel they need to give their child up so they can have a better life...earthly treasures, more or less. Children do not care about those things. If they know they are loved and feel loved, none of the other stuff matters. In my opinion, your time and attention means more than any monetary thing you can buy. All I ever wanted was her love. Nothing else mattered. Honestly and truly. Sometimes, being an adult adoptee leaves you feeling like a grown child...trying to claw your way back into a family that discarded you. Not a fun feeling! That's a whole 'nother issue though! I guess I'll have to save that one for another post!

If she had only been stronger...

Would I be more confident in myself? Would I have a better understanding of who I really was? Would I still worry that the people I love in my life were going to leave me? Would I still bend over backwards to please people that hurt me the most? Would I be the same me?

No one knows. No one will ever know. Because she wasn't.

She said that she wonders what would have happened had she only been stronger. She said that she could not watch me be raised by my father's family. She said that she did what she thought was best for me. She said that she has been haunted by her choice her entire life. She said that she wishes she had been stronger.

But she wasn't.

Sometimes I wonder, too. If she had only been stronger, who would I be today? But then I realize, it doesn't matter. The past is the past. That cannot be erased. I am me. I am OK with that. I have to be.

We all have issues in our life that leave us to wonder, given a different situation, if your life would have turned out better. You can't dwell on it. It will only eat you alive. You have to move on. However, a small part of you will always wonder. I will always wonder. If she had only been stronger....

Random Reunion Thoughts

10 years ago, I never, ever would have admitted that I wanted to know my first mom. If somone asked, I would always quickly reply with, "OH, no!! Of course not! I could never do that to my parents. They were the ones that raised me. That just wouldn't be fair to them." And, I actually thought I meant it.

Well, fast forward to THE day..translated into THE day I found out that she was looking for me, THE day my world turned upside down...and that is all I could think about. She wanted me. She was looking for me. Then I have all this anger directed toward my ap's that I never knew exisited. It literally came out of nowhere. I was so angry at them for making me feel guilty for wanting a relationship with her. I was so hurt that they didn't at least attempt to be supportive and try to understand. I didn't care if it was genuine...just fake it...just pretend to be happy for me so I knew that what I was persuing was ok.

I loved many things about my reunion. Of course the emotions and figuring out 'stuff' was hard, but I LOVED getting to know my mom, and about the family, meeting people I was related to and finding out where I came from. I loved it, until she went away. Just like that, she was gone, again, out of my life. Then I spent the next few years angry at her. I was upset and so guilt-ridden that I ever was angry with my ap's. Angry that I invested so much of my heart into a relationship with her. I was so mad and so hurt.

Four years later, after many hours of counseling and a lot of growing up, I finally reached a point where I was ready to move on. I felt so much peace about it. I truly was ready to let go. Then it happens...she returns. And so it begins, all over again. The emotions can overtake me sometimes.

It has now been a year since my first mom came back into my life after our first reunion...I refer to it as our "re"reunion. Things have been pretty good with us, however, this re-reunion anniversary also marks the tragic death of her mom, her best friend. As you can imagine, that has been very difficult for her. It has also made things much more difficult for us. I always felt that our re-reunion was her way of filling the void that the loss of her mother placed in her heart. In a way, I'm waiting for her to realize that I am not her replacement.

I have to admit that my relationship with her scares me. No matter what I tell myself, there's always that little bit of fear that my last conversation I have with her will be THE last. When she's in my life, I typically take whatever she is willing to give me just because she's there. I'm afraid of losing her. If it were anyone else, I could let it go. I would want to let it go. But with her, it's so difficult. I love her. I just hate that it has to be so hard.

Truth #6

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I NEVER have to bury another one of my kids.

Having to go through the loss of my twins was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life. However, TRYING my best to find a positive in that situation, I have told myself a hundred times over that I am thankful that they were taken sooner. I was thankful that I only had an empty, unused room to come home to. I didn't have to pack away their favorite toys, special outfits, or look at the empty chairs where they sat at meal times around the table. It could have been so much worse. I cannot even imagine having to bury my 9, 4, or 1 year old. As tragic and awful as the twins' deaths were, losing my babies now would be even harder. The thought alone brings me to tears.

I am so thankful for my beautiful children!

Truth #5

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

There are so many things that I hope to do in my life. I hope to be a good wife. I hope to raise respectable children. I hope to be a good friend. I hope to live a life that is not full of regret. I do not want to die without being able to say that I have done SOMETHING to make the world a better place, but I am sure that is what everyone hopes for! So, I am going to go with something a little more on the selfish side. It is definitely a dream of mine and on the very top of my bucket list!

I hope to someday go to Paris.

Ever since I was a sophomore in high school, it has been my dream trip. Hopefully, that dream will be a reality one day! :)

Truth #4

Being snowed in is really helping me catch up on my blog. Don't get used to it. This blizzard can't last forever! ;) Onto truth #4...

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Like most of us, I have a list of people that I need to forgive. Not so much that they deserve my forgiveness, but in order for me to move on with my life it's something I need to do. However, since my task for Day 4 is to forgive some'one', I will keep this post to that...just one person.

I need to forgive my first mom for giving me away.

That is not something I talk about a lot, but definitely something that I have struggled with for a long time. It is not that I had a terrible, awful childhood and I think I would have had a happier life with her. For me, it has been just knowing that I didn't matter enough to her for her to keep me, raise me, and love me.

There is just something that messes with the psyche to know that your mother did not want to keep you. I know many first moms will say that is not always the case and I know that it is not. However, when your mom tells you about not being able to 'take it' in the home she went to for two days or that she knows her grandmother would have loved you...taken us in...helped take care of you...etc, it kind of takes away from the "I had no other choice" thing. I've heard from her a hundred times, "but it was more complicating then that." That's fine, but it hurts to know that you, your life, did not matter more.

Being in reunion has been like being on the roller coaster ride from hell...to put it lightly. It is never ending. Just when you think things have slowed down, it's getting better and you can breathe a little easier, you find yourself turned upside down and starting the ride all over again. There have been a number of times that I have cried out, "Why?". I just don't get it. But, it is what it is...my life is what it is.

Even though she gave me away once, she found me and then rejected me again, then found me again and God only knows what's going to happen this time around, I still want her in my life. Something about knowing she is there makes me feel better. Even though she is so broken and sad as ever, she's there...my mom is there. If I am going to continue in our relationship, I have to forgive her. Hanging on to anger and fear only damages me and, in turn, keeps me from giving joy, understanding, and compassion to the other loved ones in my life. I know she loves me and never intended to hurt me, so I forgive her.

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." ~Louis B. Smedes

Truth #3

I am beginning to think I should have read through this list before I committed. Yikes...it gets kind of deep! I am hoping by the end of this, I will be a more well rounded person. One can hope, right? Moving on...

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I need to forgive myself for not being the perfect mother.

As long as I can remember I have always LOVED children. It was my dream to one day have 5 or 6 of my own. I have spent most of my life, from probably about 5 on, taking care of children. Whether it was my little brother, my neighbors' children, the nursery at church, teaching bible classes, sponsoring a child through the mail, Camp Fire groups, or babysitting...you name it...I ALWAYS found a way to be around and/or involved with children. I just LOVED kids.

As I got older, I started to realize that my desire to have children wasn't totally because I just loved kids. While that was a huge part of it, I had a very strong desire to have someone in my life that was a part of me. Being an adopted child raised in a family with bio-siblings, you reach a point where you realize that you don't have your mom's nose, your dad's eyes, your grandma's laugh, your aunt's jawline, etc. I reached a point where I wanted to be able to have someone that was my flesh and my blood. Selfish? Totally. But I wanted it all the same.

When I got married and we were expecting out first babies, TWIN girls, I was so excited. Not only was I going to have two babies, they were ours. They would have my genes. Maybe my smile, maybe their dad's nose..honestly, I didn't care. I was just thrilled to have a connection, for the first time, to another being...or two. :) That was until we lost them 6 months into my pregnancy. I was crushed, hurt, and devastated to my core. There are no words to describe that pain. Not only were my baby girls gone, a huge part of me was gone too. Two lives that were a part of me, were now buried in the ground. Only my heart knew the love that I had for them. I got to snuggle their tiny bodies, hold their perfect little hands, and kiss their tiny fingers and toes, and, of course, their little noses (definitely their daddy's!)and then let them go.

Letting go was hard. Choosing a funeral home, finding a cemetery, picking out a casket...there are no words. The days before and after were miserable. I was left to wonder. Why did God take my babies from me? Did he think I would not have been a good enough mother? Did he know that I would fail them time and time again? Did he think I couldn't handle taking care of them? I begged, and pleaded with God for weeks. Promising him that if he would give me another chance I would be THE BEST mom. Well, almost 2 months after we lost our baby girls, I became pregnant again. I was cautiously optimistic throughout the entire pregnancy, but almost 11 months to the date that we lost our little girls, we had our little girl.

I was elated about our newborn, but reality slowly started setting in. Motherhood was nothing like I thought it would be. It didn't matter whose smile or nose she had, there was a LOT of work and emotions that went into raising her. Not only was I dealing with crazy postpartum hormones, but I was also dealing with the loss of the twins and, SURPRISE, my first mom decides she's ready to enter my life. I WAS A MESS! All the promises I made to God about being the very best mother in the world seemed to go right out the window. I hated myself more times then I can count for not being a better mom, making better choices, knowing what to do in all situations, etc. AND to make things even better, 4.5 years later we had a little boy AND 3 years after that we added another little girl to the mix.

I still struggle with motherhood at times. However, I am also starting to realize that it was very unrealistic to think that I should be the perfect mom. Yes, raising children brings an abundance of responsibility upon myself, but I also need to give myself a break every now and then. My thoughts about raising children prior to actually having them were solely based on my need to feel like I belonged somewhere...I wanted "my people", so to speak. My thoughts since having children have drastically changed. Yes, it's nice to finally see myself in another little being (that has turned out to be a bit scarier then I ever realized!!), but there's so much more to it then that. I am so very thankful for my five little blessings. Even though my time with two of my children was short-lived, they have all taught me in one way or another how to be a better person. I'm so thankful for them and also grateful that I have reached a point that I can forgive myself for not being the perfect mother that I feel they deserve.

Looking at the road ahead, I have a long haul in this job as a mom. I want to enjoy it. I want to set a good example for my children. The only way that I feel I can do that is to do what I think is best (and not beat myself up when I later realize that I should have done it differently) and just be entirely me...their imperfect mother that loves them unconditionally with all of my heart and soul.

Truth # 2

7 days later and I'm FINALLY getting around to Truth #2?!! Guess you all thought I was just being facetious when I said it would take me a year! Ha! Anyway...

Truth #2: Something you love about yourself.

I've thought about this one a lot over the past few days. I am not one to take a compliment very well, much less compliment myself so this one was hard. BUT I did think of something, finally.

I think the thing that I love about myself is that I have a lot of compassion for others..friend, enemy, or complete stranger...I do not like to see others hurting. I used to think all people were this way, but as I've gotten older I have found that is not necessarily true.

If someone is hurting, whether I know them or not, I hurt too. You may think this falls under the "people pleasing" umbrella, but in my mind it doesn't. People pleasing is more of a selfish thing, which is why I DO NOT like that about myself. (I mean, really? Who likes to think of themselves as being a selfish person?) In recent years I have discovered that I please others to, unknowingly, make myself feel better. That is not the case with compassion. I have compassion for others, because I care for people and do not like to see others suffer.

I'm sure there is some grand psychological reasoning to why some people are naturally compassionate, while others can laugh at the sight/thought of an "enemy' in pain. Whether it is how I was raised or because of things that I have had to overcome in my life, who knows? Whatever the reason, I do like that I can look past whatever crap I have been handed to lend a hand, an ear, or a shoulder to cry on...even if they would not do the same for me.

Why?

Why does life have to be so hard? Why do parents have to lose children? Why do children have to be abused? Why? Why? WHY??? I have been catching up on some of the blogs that I follow and have found myself in tears while reading a couple of my favorites.

I have had so many moments in my life where I have asked "Why?". Whether it was my early childhood, adolescent, teen, or adulthood years, I've had my share of heartbreak and drama. However, as I'm reading the blog of a mom who unexpectedly lost her 1 year old (almost the exact same age as my baby girl -- I cannot imagine!) or looking at the picture of my sweet friend's abusive father, I am quickly reminded of how blessed I am. My heart breaks for their loss and their pain. Nothing I have experienced compares to either of their unimagineable circumstances.

It's easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for myself or wishing things were different in my life. Tonight, I was reminded of all that I have to thank God for. My husband, amazing children, incredible friends, a great job...what do I have to complain about? Sure, my days could go better. I wish my husband was sometimes more helpful or my children were a little less needy, but REALLY??? What do I have to complain about?? My life is far from perfect, but reading and thinking about the heartache and trials of others has definitely given me a new perspective.

30 Days of Truth

I have been inspired to attempt to do the "30 Days of Truth" challenge. At the rate that I have been posting lately, it may take me all year to do it, but it will get done. Besides, I never read that it had to be done in 30 consecutive days!!! :)

So here goes...

Truth #1: Something you dislike about yourself.

I can easily think of a hundred different things that I dislike about myself. However, my biggest dislike is the fact that I am a people pleaser. I drive myself nuts sometimes trying to make others happy. I will give up my only break at school to help someone else out. I volunteer to do jobs I really do not have time to do just because someone asked and said "they coudn't find anyone else to do it". I would give my last dollar to a total stranger just because they asked and I know I would feel awful later if I didn't help. I will even put myself (and sometimes my family)in harm's way by giving said stranger a ride to their apartment a few miles away because they said they were too tired to walk back home.

I know...it's a little crazy...but that's me. I don't even have to know the person to want to please them. It's something I do without much thought. It's just a natural reaction. I don't know if it's a normal reaction, but it's what I do.

The thing I dislike the most about it is that people take total advantage of the people pleaser types. I think my willingness to do whatever I am asked makes me come across as 'easy'. Anyone will ask me to do anything because they know I'll do it. I guess since I realize all this to be true, it does make me seem kind of ignorant. However, I am fully aware of who takes advantage of me and who loves me for who I truly am...not a people pleaser, just ME! Those are the people that I try to please the most! :)

Hard Cold Facts...in my opinion

As you've noticed, I've been MIA for a while on my blog. I have been super busy, but I also think there's a HUGE let-down after the holidays. It has taken me some time to get back into the mood to do much of anything. I think I'm finally getting back on track...maybe. ;)

I was led back to my blog because I had a few comments that needed to be moderated. One was in reference to this post regarding having second thoughts about obtaining my OBC. The comment is as follows...

Jen and other adoptees:

Has it occurred to you( adoptees _that your aparents were doing the best that they could to shield you from the hard cold FACTS of your birth story?

There are many adoptees of today that don't have the "young teen mom" birth story. Today's bmoms are older and have children already...what makes you think you weren't one of them? Instead of jumping to conclusions, know the facts before you're against adoption or any other thing.

I was going to reply to this within the comments of that post, but really wanted to share it with ALL my lucky readers! I mean...who doesn't want to hear the hard, cold facts??? In response to the comment...

Yes, it has occurred to me that my aparents believed they were doing what was best for me to "shield me from the hard cold facts". However, they were facts about ME and I have the right to know them. In my situation, the only reason my AP's withheld information regarding my adoption was simply because they did not want me to know. They did not want me to find my biological family and made that pretty clear by keeping all documents relating my relinquishment hidden from me. Still, to this day, they are not willing to give me documents they have relating to my adoption. That is not OK. Adoption is very complex and is filled with emotions. First moms and adoptees suffer greatly in adoption. I believe adoptive parents must be prepared for this and should take great pains in helping the child cope. Hiding information from a child, or better yet an ADULT child, is wrong. EVERYONE has a right to know where they come from. PERIOD.

Also, I am not at all sure what parts of my blog you have read. If you've read anything leading up to that particular post, you will know that I have been in reunion with my first mom for over 8 years now. She did have the "young teen mom birth story" coupled with racial issues that unfortunately led to my relinquishment. I am fully aware of who I am to her.

Finally, asking other adoptee's opinions in regard to obtaining my OBC is hardly "jumping to conclusions". I know the facts and have never claimed to be anti-adoption. I do believe there is a place for adoption. There are hundreds of children in the foster care system that need loving families. Adoption has a place. Taking newborns from young, capable, uninformed mother's, in my opinion, is not the place.

I type all of this to say that adoption is not only the simple and wonderful thing many people assume. It is extremely complex, and the experience varies a lot from person to person. Adoption is based first on loss. For a child to gain a new family, they first lose their first family....their birth family. Sometimes it works out for the best, and other times, it goes terribly wrong. There are many possibilities. I do not hate my AP's and the purpose of my blog is not to bash them. I'm sure there are times that I come across that way...guess it depends on my mood. I write to simply share my feelings about my life, gain support, and hopefully help others going through the same situation.