Saturday, May 29, 2010

Be careful what you wish for...

'cause you just might get it. You know how I said "If I only had some closure, it would make it easier to move on?". That's what I wished for...and I definitely got it.

After I heard my birthmom say that she had a secret, I was drawn into the conversation. I wanted to hang up, but I couldn't. What I was hearing was tearing me apart, but I still would not hang up. I continued to stay on the phone and listen to her describe our relationship to her friend.

She first explained her secret. She had placed a baby for adoption when she was 17 years old. She had wondered my whole life how I was and where I was. She explained that she had 'found' me when I was 24 and was good with that. That is all she wanted. She didn't want a relationship with me, she just wanted to make sure I was ok. Once she found out I was ok, she was ready to move on. However, I made that difficult for her. I would call her all the time and keep her on the phone really late. She said that was really hard on her because she had to get up and go to work early, and I didn't understand that. She talked about how she would come see me often and I didn't return the 'favor' near as much. She talked about how I wanted her family to know all about me, but I didn't want my family (meaning my adoptive parents) to know about her. She also said that I only wanted it to be her and me, no one else, and that was hard because she had a child at home still to take care of. She said I blamed her for all of my abandonment issues and I made her feel so guilty. She also mentioned how it totally pissed her off that I didn't tell her when I had my son and how she found out that I had him. One thing that sticks out the most is when she said that if she knew it was me, she would not have answered. Ouch. I couldn't stand to hear anymore, so I hung up the phone.

There was more than that said and it was all explained in much more detail. It still breaks my heart to think about it. As I listened, I couldn't believe she was saying all those things. We had some issues, no doubt. There was a huge adjustment period after the honeymoon phase was over, but I NEVER, EVER, EVER thought that I was that much of a burden on her. I could literally feel a physical pain in my chest as I listened to how big of an inconvenience I was to her.

After I hung up, I sat in my husband's recliner. I felt completely numb. I felt like crying, but I was still processing everything I heard. Was that really true? Is that really how she felt about me? In the four years that we were in contact, I never felt that she couldn't stand me. It was a very, very low moment, but even lost in the trenches of that moment I had a little hope that she would call me the next day like she said she would.

I continued to sit there, trying to process everything that she said. I was devising a plan. When she called the next day, I was going to talk to her about what I overheard and explain why I was the way that I was. I was going to tell her the truth about my afamily and the abuse and loneliness that I had experienced growing up. I was going to tell her that I didn't have the fairytale life growing up and I had always longed for her. I would explain that once I had her in my life I tried maybe a little too hard for fear that I would lose her. I had it all figured out. Now that I knew why she had turned her back on me, I was going to talk to her and win her back. I now knew what I needed to do and not do to have the relationship with her that I desired.

I waited the next day for her phone call. I waited, and waited, and you probably imagined, she did not call back. BUT, I still had hope. I figured maybe she got in later then she planned, so she would call back the next day. I waited again, and again, day after day, OH MY WORD!!!! I am beyond pathetic! I wanted closure, and Lord knows, I had it. I had all the information I needed to know that she did not want me. It hurt, but I needed to move on. I didn't need that in my life. I had my own babies to focus my time and attention on. Let her go!

But, the truth is, I honestly (and still to this day) did not believe she meant any of the horrible things that she said. There is no way. I refused to believe it, because I knew her. I knew how she hurt. I knew how she tried to get me back shortly after I was born and already placed with my adoptive family. I knew how she searched for me. She found me, not the other way around. I had listened to her tell me, on a number of occasions, how much her decision to give me up changed her life and she wished more than anything that she could go back and do it differently. I KNEW that she cared and I KNEW that she loved me. There was no way that she had been lying to me before. I didn't know what was going on with her, but I knew that those things she said were not coming from her. So, I clung to the past and I focused on only the good things that she had said about me and our relationship. Call it naive, but I would not accept what I heard as truth. I continued to hold on to that hope that she would come back to me.

So, back to "be careful what you wish for.."...Was I really looking for closure? No, I was not. I was looking for my mom and I was not going to give up until I found her.


  1. oh, snap. i could have written this myself. way too familiar:(

  2. ♥ to you. That was incredibly powerful to read.

  3. my two cents:
    sounds like some respect was lacking.
    did you know that she had to get up in the ams to go to work?
    Did you not let yur afamily know about her?
    Did you have a child and not tell her?

    respect and understanding is a two way street.
    How would you feel if you had to get up at a certain time and somebody always called you and kept you up late.
    How would YOU feel if someone introduced someone to their family, but they did not reciprocate.
    why did you not want her to know about your son?
    If someone did those things to me, I would not have picked up the phone when I saw the caller id either.

  4. Dear Anonymous:

    Perhaps before jumping to the conclusions that you did in your above comment, you should go back and actually read Jen's entire blog and THEN make your bold statements.

    Yes, respect and understanding IS a two way street, but where was the respect for Jen's feelings? Where was the understanding about what Jen has gone through. How hard is it to just pick up the phone and say, "Sorry, I'm too busy to talk to you so please stop calling me.."? As hard as that would have been to hear, it might have made things easier than for Jen's mother to just not pick up the phone at all and make any sort of effort.

    The rest of your questions are crap, to be honest. And not even worth the time it took you to type them.

    Jen's a nicer person than I I'll say're extremely ignorant and the fact that she hasn't deleted your anonymous bullshit speaks volumes to her character.

    Yours is still up in the air.

  5. MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Simmer down't scare the poor girl off!