Saturday, May 22, 2010


As time wore on, reality started setting in. The honeymoon was way over. Don't get me wrong, we still enjoyed any time that was spent together and talked almost everyday. It's just all the little things that I had been sweeping under the rug and excusing her from, started to get to me. We had been talking for several months and she still had not told her son about me. By this time, I had even seen him and met him on a couple different occasions and she introduced me as her friend. I was crushed. I thought I was more than a friend to her. I was her daughter. I wanted her to acknowledge that and treat me as such. Was that too much to ask?

I became a lot more verbal about my feelings towards her. I loved her, and I definitely told her that, but I also shared things with her that really bothered me. I asked her why she had not told her son. She explained again that she didn't know how he would handle it. He was 14 at the time, and she thought that was a difficult age to understand something like that. She went on and on giving me excuse after excuse. I told her that it bothered me because it made me feel like she was ashamed of me or I wasn't important to her. I began to feel that all the things she had been telling me for months about loving me and wanting me, etc were not true, but only what I wanted to hear.

She was taking a trip to see one of her best friends and was taking her son with her. She had told me that since it was a several hour drive, she would talk to him about me while they were on the road. Sounded like the perfect plan to me. I was nervous for her and wondered the whole time she was gone if it had happened yet, when it happened, how did he react, what was said, etc. When I talked to her after the trip, I was waiting for her to share with me what went on when she told him. She didn't bring it up, so I finally did. She told me that she didn't talk to him about me. It didn't 'come up' so she felt like it wasn't the right time. She shared that she felt like I was pushing her/pressuring her to do something she wasn't comfortable with. It was not a real positive conversation. I was so upset and frustrated with her.

I began to feel that this was more then I could handle. I wanted so bad to have her in my life. I would do just about anything for her acknowledgement. I was in such an emotional rut that I was having a very hard time getting myself out of it. My other relationships were starting to be affected. I knew I needed help. I needed a professional!This was the first time I had been to see a therapist. To admit that I had a problem was very difficult for me, but I knew I couldn't do this on my own.

My therapist was very helpful. After going to him for several sessions, I felt like a different person. I was HEALED!!, or so I thought. It was, more or less, a temporary fix. The roller coaster ride that I talk about so frequently on this journey had finally reached the top of another peak. What I didn't realize was that it was about to go plummeting down the other side and crash at the bottom. My world was about to be turned inside out.

1 comment:

  1. My heart is crying for you Jen. I'm glad you were able to recognize that you needed the outside help of a therapist..and I'm so sorry your mother told you that you were pressuring her. I just don't understand.