Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Phone Call

The fact that I was only a phone call away from talking to my birth mom for the very first time was beginning to drive me nuts. I was so scared to make the call. For weeks the biggest thought on my mind was "What in the world do I say? How do I start the conversation? Who do I tell her I am?" I also knew once I called her, there was no turning around. The fantasy of my birth mom would no longer exist. Instead, there would be a new reality.

I was hanging out with my two very best friends. They are my family. We are very close and they are always so supportive of me. Anyway, we were talking about the 'phone call' for the millionth time. They knew I wanted to, but they also knew I was scared. After much talk, coaxing, and even bribing (I know, how pathetic am I?), I went into the bedroom and made the phone call that would forever change me.

She answered after a couple of rings. I was taken aback just upon hearing her voice. How I knew it was her, I don't know. It could have been anyone -- a daughter, mother, sister -- but I just knew. I stumbled around at the beginning, pausing for a few seconds after each sentence waiting for her to say something. I guess I was expecting an "OMG!!" kind of thing, but she was very quiet. I could tell she was emotional, but holding it together. She said she had been waiting for me to call for a few weeks. The social worker had told her I had her number and would be calling. I felt guilty that I had kept her waiting.[I have to add this side note...As my story unfolds on this blog, I am driving myself nuts at how many times I say I feel guilty about something. Is it just as annoying to read?!]

Anyway...we talked for about 20 minutes. She wanted to know how I was and if I was happy. It felt good to know that she cared. The social worker had told her I was a teacher and that I was married and had a baby. She asked about my adoptive parents and family. I, of course, told her how wonderful everyone was and I had a great life. After all, isn't that how it was supposed to be? She told me that she had a son. He was 10 years younger than me. He did not know about me. For some reason, I wasn't surprised by that and at the time it didn't bother me. She was married and had two step children as well. We talked about my biological father. She still saw him from time to time. He was married and had three boys. For some reason, I always had in my fairy tale that they ended up married and lived happily ever after. However, if that had truly happened, I am sure I would have been totally pissed that I was not a part of that family. Needless to say, it was probably best that my fairy tale had not played out.

Her voice was so calm and quiet the whole time I talked to her. Towards the end of the conversation, I gave her my phone number and address. I told her I would send her pictures of me. She said she would do the same. It was so surreal. I will never forget how I felt. I can't tell you every word of the conversation, but I remember feeling like I was dreaming...just waiting to jolt up from bed realizing it was all just a really great dream. I NEVER, EVER, EVER, imagined that this would be happening to me. I held it together very well while I was talking to her. I remember taking several deep breaths, but made it through the conversation just fine. However, when I hung up the phone I just lost it. I was releasing all the anxiety that had been building over the weeks prior. It all hit me at once...she had found me. We had found each other. What now?


  1. It IS a surreal experience...and I think you held it together beautifully.

    My nmother told me in the beginning of our journey that she'd always hoped I'd find her instead of it being the other way around. Talk about GUILT. I'm slowly releasing those feelings, but it's very difficult.


  2. the guilt you speak of is all too familiar:(