Gone

Had I of known that our last conversation was indeed that, our last conversation, I maybe would have chosen my words a little more carefully. I maybe would have asked for her forgiveness for being so stubborn and not understanding her side of things. I would have given just about anything to have that moment back, but it was too late. The moment had come, and she was gone.

A couple of weeks had gone by and we had not talked. Anymore, that was not unusual to go a while without talking. So, I decided to call her. I wanted to make amends. I missed her and wanted her in my life. I was tired of playing games and being stubborn. I decided to take that first step towards reconciliation and call. So, I called and since there wasn't an answer I left a message. A few days went by, no answer, left another message, no response. I called again, no answer, left a sobbing message, waited a few more days, still no response. Called again, and again, and again....left message after message after message...no response. It had now been close to two months and I had not heard from her at all. I was worried. Worried about her safety, worried that this was the end of us. Just worried.

I then decided to write a letter. I do not know exactly what it said, as I sent several letters after that one. Some were sad and desperate sounding, I'm sure. Some were probably angry, full of questions and blame. She did not return any of my letters either. What was going on with her? We had been in our share of disagreements, but she always called me back or wrote eventually. It may be a few eeeks in between, but I always heard from her eventually. It was nearing my birthday, about 6 months since I had last talked to her. That was going to be my test. Ever since we were reunited, she had NEVER missed calling me and sending a card in the mail on my birthday. I was anxiously awaiting this birthday, for sure. Well, my birthday came...and left...nothing. No phone call, no card, absolutely nothing. I was worried.

I called her mom to make sure she was ok. I was starting to get really angry and I knew if something had happened to her and I wasn't told, I would never forgive myslef for being angry at her. Her mom said she was fine, she just had a lot of 'thinking' to do. I didn't ask what that meant, but figured it wasn't a good thing. I told her that I had wrote letters, made many phone calls, left a number of messages, all with no response. She assured me she would tell her I called and she would call me back soon. Again, weeks went by without a response. Now, I was angry! WHY IS SHE ABANDONING ME AGAIN!! I just wanted to yell, scream, shout, hit something...anything,I was hurt!

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I tried to call or write her. Each phone call, message and letter were BEGGING her to call me or write me. Tell me how horrible I am, tell me that you don;t want anything to do with me. Just tell me something...anything! Nothing, for me, was worse then being ignored. Anything she could have said at that moment could not have hurt worse then I was already feeling. Alone, betrayed, lost...I was absolutely pathetic.

I started to get really irritated at myself for being so ridiculous. Why could I not just get a clue? Move on? You lived 24 years without her, why do you think you need her now? She didn't want me. She was gone. Literally, in a flash, she was completely gone from my life. Even in my anger, I mourned the loss of my birth mom. I never knew how wonderful life could be with her in it until she was there. I never knew that a piece of me was missing and how I had always longed for her until she was there. Now that she was gone, I felt it. I really cannot describe the intense feelings that I had. I cried so many tears over her. I missed her so much, and now she was gone. Now what? Where in the world do I go from here?